There 'aint no party like my Nana's tea party.

Hi.

No surprise to anyone that it's Christmas time. Here's what my week looks like:

Monday: Worked

Tuesday: Worked

Wednesday: Will work, night; Travel to OMAHA.

Thursday: Christmas! Celebrate with Phillips side of family

Friday: Chill, travel to Elm Creek, NE in afternoon to celebrate with Simmerman side

Saturday: Elm Creek-y things

Sunday: afternoon; travel back to Omaha, and then Des Moines.

I can say with full confidence that this will be the hardest holiday of my life. No Grandmas.

Last year at Christmas, Grandma Simmerman was already gone. It was awful. I hear things aren't so well with Grandpa S. still (understandably). Grandma Phillips was still here...but not herself at times. She was hilarious though. I'll never forget how she confiscated all of the grandchildren's airsoft guns. She posed for a wicked awesome picture: totally Gram-bo. Three months later, she was gone, too.

Fond Memories:

Grandma and Grandpa S. live in a super small town, so Grandma would order our presents from catalogues. For years, she ordered Kati and I, what we called, "cat shirts". Basically the name says it all, but they were t-shirts with pictures of cats on them. Old lady looking, but we always got a kick out of them. We'd give them to our mom and laugh about getting another for the next holiday. It wasn't terribly random of her; we loved cats (a love we actually GOT from her. After she died, I told Drew I absolutely needed a cat, so we went out and got Miley.). I'd give anything for a cat t-shirt this Christmas.

After she died, someone older told Kati, "I still miss my grandma." I don't expect the pain to ever go away, or even fade. Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow in sorrow every day, but every time I think about my grandmas, it stings just as badly as it did when it happened.

I must not cry, though. That's the hardest part. How can I not? And honestly, the reason I have to stop doesn't exactly help me to stop: Grandma P HATED it when we cried. She would cry, too. Over anything. One time I was over at her house watching a sad movie, I started crying and, since she was deaf and didn't know the movie was sad, she thought I was upset and she started crying, too. I told her it was just the movie, but she still just hated to see me cry.

Every time I want to just bawl my eyes out, because, you know what? It's just not fair..... anyways... I picture Grandma looking at me with tears in her eyes, and somehow, I force myself to stop.

Oh Grandmas, there was so much left to do with you.

Both of my Grandmas loved birds, as do I. I'm going to get a bird tattoo for them.... I just.....

I just have to.

God blessed me with an amazing amazing family. I have to use "amazing" twice. "Scrumtrelescent" isn't even a strong enough word to describe how wonderful my family is. I am so lucky to have had such wonderful Grandmothers that helped me become who I am today. They raised wonderful children. I have the best parents in the world. Their legacy will carry on.

Grandma and Grandpa Simmerman (Left), Grandma and Grandpa Phillips (Right)

This was the last time I saw my Grandma S. alive. It's hard to look at the wedding pictures.

Pray for my Grandpas. Especially Simmerman.

Thank you,

Lauren

Being for the Benefit of Mrs. Phillips-Schneider

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered

forgive them anyway..."

How do you 'forgive'? It's something I struggle with often. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense..." You're saying I've got to forgive _____? Even if they're not sorry? Even if they're never sorry? Even if they never know (or care) how badly they've hurt me? Even if they keep doing _______ over and over?" Ka-razy. Every once in a while I'll think that it's just not fair that I've got to walk around wounded and they're just dandy. Sometimes I just want to have the chance to yell "Do you know what you did?? I can't trust because of you! I can't _____ because of you! How dare you!"

Thank goodness I know better (now, heh). Praise God that there is a purpose for my pain. Think about Joseph! How much more did he suffer at the hands of his own brothers? And they didn't care.... they threw him in a pit...and went and had something to eat. God knew. And He wouldn't have let it happen to Joseph if He hadn't seen a higher purpose. Take comfort. HE KNOWS.

"...If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives,

be kind anyway..."

How hard is it to be kind in any circumstance? Very. Kindness...hmm. It pains me to think of how many times I've ruined my testimony by being unkind. Some people are just so easy to be rude to. Anymore, those people make me want to show them Jesus.

"...If you are honest, people may cheat you

be honest anyway..."

Dishonesty doesn't have to be ginormous. It can be itty bitty. How many baby lies do I tell every day? Half-truths? Someone from my church once put it this way, "Every time I think 'oh, that's just an innocent little white lie, didn't hurt anyone.' I've got to remember, Christ DIED for that little white lie. That teeny sin was big enough to need forgiveness for and Christ took MY punnishment. He died for that one little sin."

"...If you find happiness, people may be jealous

be happy anyway..."

Rejoice in the Lord for He is good!!! How many blessings do we get every day? We don't even deserve them! Ha!

I've been so blessed in my life. I can't tell you how thankful I am. For instance, my job! I've never been so happy with a job in my life. I love what I do and I really love who I work with. I'll talk your ear off about how amazing my coworkers are. Trust me. It's so neat to see Gods hand at work every day. Breathtaking.

"...The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow,

do good anyway..."

I'll be honest; here's a story from my own life:

I do a TON of extra things for one of my coworkers. Love her to death, but I don't get any "thank you's". Just "could you do such-and-such now?" or "thats great, but you need to do ________ as well". These are just little projects. Nothing that I'm required to do, I just do them out of the 'goodness of my heart' haha...right? Sometimes I'd like some recognition, I'll be honest. But I've got to humble myself. Basically, what I'm doing for said coworker, could be considered "gifts". What is a gift? Something you give and don't expect anything in return.

I need to be better about not thinking I 'deserve' something out of it.

Thats the whole point of doing good. If we expect something in return, that's all 'earthly goods'. My reward is in heaven. (I'm definately not saying I'm some awesome person who is amazing and does amazing things, blah blah. In reality, I need to do MORE.)

"...Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough,

give your best anyway..."

See above.

I always want to be striving to do better in all areas of my life. Assistance through prayer would be helpful :).

Now...here's the bottom line:

"...For you see in the end, it is between you and God

it was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

I have a picture frame with that quote in it. My mom bought it for me. I don't even think she realized how much it meant to me. The first part jumped out and bit me. I hope maybe it helped someone else like it did for me.

Another thing I like to remember is something I read in "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore; Whenever I think, "Why did I have to go through all of the things I went through??? Why couldn't my life have been more simple, less painful?"

"You're a much neater person healed that you would have been perfect."- Beth Moore

(I may have changed wording a bit, I don't have the book at the moment, but the idea is the same.)

Anyways, Thanks for reading.

Love,

Lauren

Freestylin...like it's just..random...r-r-random.

I don't really have a clear point right now, I just need to write. Who knows what my fingers have to say?

Drew and I are cleaning out the closet right now. Mostly my clothes, including prom dresses and multiple formals for other high school occasions. High school didn't seem that long ago till now...

Side note; I think it would be really depressing if back then I had the knowledge of people I do now. For example; being able to look at all of your friends/classmates/whatever, straight in the eye, and know which ones are just going to leave or betray you. I guess it's a good thing time and knowledge works the way it does then, eh?

If "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was possible, I'd totally do that...maybe.

God is good.

It's crazy to think of where I was last year at this time. I was miserable, God-less, and so alone. It's amazing how ever since I turned my life over to God, every detail has changed; jobs, friends, happiness.

I still struggle with trust, though.

And forgiveness. Jessica taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to forget that I was hurt. Sometimes I still feel like I don't understand how to forgive, though. I'd rather forget I was hurt.

I miss my grandmas. How to people just stop living? And whats more, how is time allowed to pass without them?

My thoughts aren't brilliant. I don't think I'm clever or artsy. I don't say ambiguous things to make myself feel smarter than others. Right now, I think I'm accomplishing the typed version of "blurting".

I'm gonna be 22 next month. Whhhaaaaaaat? It's not that 22 is old, it's just....where have the past few years gone?

Ha, Drew just found one of my "Goonies" tshirts. Where did they go?

Could everyone please stop having babies? You're making me jealous. (Kidding to the first part. Feel free to keep on having babies, people.)

I should be doing homework right now...

Moving on.

Thank you to all who read my last post and gave me such wonderful feedback. It meant a lot to me. I'm honored whenever God uses my story to encourage anyone in any way. It's all HIM.

I go to quite possibly the best church in the world. Wilow Creek Baptist in Des Moines. The people there are amazing. The pastor is so wonderful. I adore going to church on Sundays. If anyone out there needs a church to go to, please please please, come with me! I guarantee you'll love it too.

It's amazing how awesome things can be when Christians are acting the way they are supposed to.

Side note to my post, "In the beginning..."; I went to FBBC and hated it. People were awful, but not all of them. I was in the best possible dorm. 320 was awesome. I had the best possible dorm mates, the best possible roommate, the best possible room leader (Super Secretary Sarah!), and the best possible RA. Basically everyone in 320 made life livable at Faith.

I'm sure if I sat here for another hour I'd come up with lots more to say. At the moment, I should be getting to my homework, and also, the blurting has made me feel better.

Thank you.
Lauren