Wow, it has been quite a while since I last blogged. Then again, I usually don't have much to say, and as I mentioned in my first post ever, I probably wont write very frequently until I'm 'with child' or something... which I am not.
Anyway, kinda feeling like rambling tonight.
I am a tragic underachiever. I am smart, talented, creative, and what have you (at least I think so occasionally). I do not do much with said smarts, talent, and creativity.
In high school and college, I never found it terribly difficult to get good grades, but I've never been much of a school person. Recently I finished up classes at DMACC for my CDA (Child Development Associate) degree. Hated it! (Picture that said like those guys on "In Living Color".) I just cannot sit still for anything. My mind wanders like crazy. I am just not the kind of person that can sit and listen for a long time. There are very few people my mind can even concentrate on listening to (fortunately, Pastor Mike is one!!!). This CDA degree was a requirement for my job, which I love. I know for a fact that God put me in this job. His hand was so evident in every aspect of my hiring, etc. I am where I am supposed to be and I. Am. Happy. There.
Sometimes I feel a little 'left behind' though. Friends of mine are graduating from college after 4 years, and I went for like, a year and a quarter. I know it was God's plan, but to the world, I look like a failure, I'm sure. That hurts sometimes. It's easy to say, "Well, people's opinions don't matter." but not easy to set your mind to. These days, people are bombarded with the theory that if you don't go to school for 4 years or more and get a degree in something significant, you will fail at life. Whereas I completely beg to differ, it is sometimes hard to keep standing in the confidence of knowing that my pathetic college career that amounted to just about nothing is, in fact, good enough.
Sometimes I think I want to go back to school... but for what? I have ideas but I don't know how to achieve what I want to achieve. I cannot and will not sit in a classroom for hours on end. My brain can't handle it. I am convinced that I have autistic tendencies that went undiagnosed, haha.
I wish I could write. Write well. I don't want to write books or poems or haiku's or whatever. I want to write songs. I am so interested in music and singing but embarrassed to admit it out loud for fear of being one of those bad American Idol auditions. I love to sing. I have absolutely no confidence, but I love to sing. Drew doesn't even get to hear me that often! I'm just afraid of being judged, I guess. (Wow, I am Brennan from "Step Brothers"). I want to learn how to write a song. I'd love help. Here's the thing: I can't read music. I was in choir/ensemble for what, 12 years? Don't tell Mr. Nilius that I still can't read music! I took voice and piano lessons. I would just memorize what to do. Whatever. Louise Harrison told me that none of the Beatles could read music either... that kind of inspired me.... then again, I'm no John, Paul, or George... I'm not even Ringo.
I want to be in a band. The lead singer! I picture myself as a rock-ier version of John Mayer but without the tool like personality, sappy lyrics, or fondness for Jessica Simpson. In my dreams.
I do a lot of art projects around the daycare for various teachers. I love it! I was in mandatory art classes throughout elementary school but that's about it. I think I am pretty good sometimes. I'm told I'm good, too. I want to be better. I'd love to take a class on painting. I probably will eventually. I just don't want to have to paint some naked dude. I'll select the class I take carefully...
I've always loved acting. I have no idea if I was ever any good, haha. I did get most of the leads in high school. I don't want to be Reese Witherspoon. I want to be Zooey Deschanel or someone else who does more artistic films. Oh yeah, I want to do films. This is a lofty dream. Not one I entertain in my thoughts very often at all. Just thought I'd put it out there in case Tim Burton reads my blog.
Right now, I'm trying to figure things out. I feel like I don't know what it is that I 'do'. I'm pretty good at a bunch of things... I want to be excellent at 1 or 2 things at least. I guess I don't know what it is that I want exactly... some days I think I know, but then I can't figure out how to get there.
All I know is this; I want something more.
Naaaaaa Naaaa Naa, Na na Na naaaaaaaaaaa
This ended up being longer than I thought it would be.
