Turn that frown upside down. Right now. Do it.

The second Drew and I moved to Des Moines, I wanted out. Omaha was my homaha...nowhere else. I lived there almost four years, but my head was always in Omaha.

It seemed like a dream come true to have the opportunity to move back, but it's been terrible.

I had it good in Des Moines but I wasn't looking around, I was looking over to the other side of the fence.

In my head and heart, I know that God moved us here for a reason.... and that everything that has happened here has been for a reason and will ultimately be used for good. So glad that is truth.

I've been looking lots of places for happiness and, surprise, haven't found it anywhere I looked. Every step I have been taking has ripped my focus and self-esteem to shreds.

I love Beth Moore books. "Get out of that Pit" was my first taste and now I'm trying "Breaking Free". Both books (especially the first) reference being stuck in a pit and the various ways you get into a pit. I am, without a doubt, in a giant self-made pit. The thing that is encouraging though is the books say that the only way you can't leave a pit is if you refuse to leave.

I want the flip out. I'm gonna get out.

My trouble is constantly remembering truths. I always go back to "but I did this! but this happened! no one loves me! I'm a freak here!" So I'm gonna start listing truths right now for my own benefit. Hopefully this will be something that I reference when I'm spazing about how much I hate myself.

1. God loves me; no matter what I've done or will do.
2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
3. God knows what has happened in the past and will use it for His ultimate good.
4. I have a purpose.
5. God doesn't want me to live with a spirit of fear and depression.
6. My worth doesn't come from others.
7. I can only control myself, not others.
8. God has provided me with a wonderful family.
9. God has provided me with wonderful friends, even if they are far away.
10. I don't have to be perfect and please everyone at all times.
11. I have talents; I can sing, paint, draw, and make (most) people laugh (even if it is AT me!).
12. Satan wants me to fail and will do anything to make me fail.

There are more, obviously, but I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment. Such is Lauren.

If you have any to add, lemme know.

Now for a more lighthearted list. Things I want/am hoping for here in Omaha:

1. A movie twin: I've got a quirky sense of humor and I'd love someone to joke around with.
2. A farmers market buddy.
3. A Bible study buddy(ies); not giant, informal group. Close, personal friends.
4. A rocker buddy: someone who likes to jump around at shows like I do.
5. Heck, I just want someone who is genuinely happy to see me every day because of who I am and not what I do. Oh, and someone who doesn't get sick of listening to me talk.

I don't want to waste the opportunities I've been given by God.
Sulking no more.

Lauren out.

Back to the Future

It's amazing how much I've thought, over the years, that if I could only go back in time, I could teach 'past Lauren' a thing or two. "Avoid this, pursue that" type of stuff.

Yeah, I've definitely done some things I'm not proud of at all, but 'past Lauren' reminded me today that there isn't anything that can happen in my life that God won't use for good. She schooled me.

I just got done reading all of my past blog posts. It's so interesting to see how my focus has changed as of late. Well, more like terrible.

My last post discussed the upcoming move back to Omaha. Excited and scared of the uncertainty that awaited us at our new home. Looking back, I wish I was better equipped (emotionally and spiritually) for such a change.

Highs and Lows:

-We have wonderful renters for our house in Des Moines.

-We're way closer to my family.

-Cupcake Island. (If you know it, you understand.)

-Not terribly happy with our living situation.

-I failed to realize that my 'Omaha friends' all moved away.

-I got fat again. (Haha...cupcake island.)

I'm currently working as an infant teacher for Bright Horizons. It is a great job. No job is perfect, but it's a great job. It keeps me quite busy!

I don't do much 'art' anymore for myself. Just not excited or inspired as much anymore.

Drew loves his job so much. He is the best at what he does and he's due to get a big, well-deserved promotion pretty soon. I'm so proud of how hard he works. The downside is that he works A LOT. It's not unusual for him to have a 70 hour work week. Working open to close and beyond. Once he had a 19 hour work day. I can't believe his strength. I'm sure he's so exhausted but he never seems like it! Like a boss.

Unfortunately for us, though, his work schedule leaves me home alone a lot. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me till recently.

Something I probably took for granted in Des Moines were my Christian friends. I'd give anything to have Lisa Nelson Rogan (haha) here every day. What I had, friend-wise, in Des Moines was very rare.

I'd like a Bible study to go to with girls my age. Spiritual connection and growth is what I crave now. I need it.

I lived in Omaha 20 years before Drew and I got married and moved away. Now I'm back and somehow, it seems larger. I feel like a small fish in a big pond. Lost in everything that goes on around me. Unnoticed. It's a day to day struggle to keep swimming. Let's just say that if my life were that "Footprints in the Sand" poem, this scene of my life most definitely has one set of footprints.

Sometimes it feels like I'm back at square one again. I guess the positive side of knowing this is that I know what I have to do. My focus is kaput. My thoughts are trash. My eyes are not on what they should be.

This ends now. I've made mistakes; big and small. Satan knows I don't know how to forgive myself. There is a wonderful song that, lately, has become my 'mantra'.

Jason Gray "I Am New"

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

That's just a portion.

Every time I start to hate myself all over again, I think "I am new."

Time has gotten away from me again. I've got to go. I wish I could end by saying that I'm doing great now, but I'm still in this struggle. The good news is that the presence of a struggle means there is a fight going on, and God will win. Even while I'm in this, I'm starting to see God's hand in everyday things and people. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm back from the dead.

This is an opportunity for growth.

I don't know who still reads this, but if you'd pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

The past is the past. I can't get back to the future without letting go of it. Somehow I feel like getting plutonium for a delorian is easier. Hmm.

Love love love,

Lauren