First off, let me be terribly cliché and say that time went way too fast. I cannot believe that it is your first birthday already! By the way, you are officially grounded because when you were a week old, I told you that you were not allowed to grow up. You were supposed to stay little. It was the very first time you disobeyed me ;). You've gotten so big! I'll never forget the day you were born. It was the happiest day of my life.
Second, I just want you to know how much you were and are wanted. For a few years, your dad and I weren't sure we would be able to have children. The thought of it was probably one of the deepest hurts I knew. It was a struggle every day, week, month, year. I am not ashamed to say that we ended up getting some medical help...and miraculously, it worked the very first try. The overwhelming joy I felt when I found out we were pregnant with you is unlike anything in the world. From the moment I knew you existed, I was extremely proud of you. The next nine months were horrible, haha. I had every negative pregnancy side effect in the book! To be honest I miss being pregnant at times though. Feeling you move and kick and hiccup inside of me was the most special and beautiful thing ever. I would drink orange juice every day to make you wiggle even more! It was comforting to me. I knew you were okay if you were wiggling. By the time you are able to read and understand this, you may find it funny to know that I was crazy and a worrier even before you were born...something I'm sure you're all too familiar with now. I think the fact that I didn't even know if you were possible for me made you all the more precious. When the time came for you to make your entrance into the world, I was so nervous! First of all because I didn't know how I could do it! I'd never given birth before and I really didn't have a choice in the matter, haha...you were coming ready or not! Second of all because I was worried I wouldn't be good enough for you. As you also know honey, I'm far from perfect. And as bad as I want it, I can never be perfect enough for you. Looking back I'd have to say I was more than prepared for you in the most important way (aside from having a proper car seat because without that, the hospital wouldn't have let us take you home!) : I loved you with all that I had. And as much as I think each day that I couldn't possibly love you more... I do. More each day. Forever and beyond.
Third, I want you to know how special you are. Every good parent thinks their child is wonderful....and I'm the most correct of all in thinking it :). I'm not trying to say that some parents don't love or appreciate their children as much as others, but I do think that I love and appreciate you in a different way because I, like many other moms, know a devastating time 'without'. This is a fact: You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Your dad and I waited for you...not knowing if you would even come. God gives you exactly what you need exactly when you need it. Want to know what I think? God knew it was the perfect time for us to have a baby and so He went to my Grandma Phillips and Grandma Simmerman (who are both in Heaven) and told them to pick out the best baby for me...and they picked you:). You're everything I could have wanted and more. You're not perfect... you can have quite the attitude sometimes (hereditary), but I would never wish for any other child in your place. From a small age we could already tell that you were very smart and very strong! You've always been so vocal and chatty with the best sense of humor and comedic timing:). I'm so excited to see you grow and develop your amazing personality even more. You are so much fun to be around! Jude, we're soul mates... and I couldn't be happier about that.
Lastly, I want to say thank you. Thank you for so much more than I can even express right now. Thank you for the joy and laughter you brought into my life. Thank you for giving me a feeling of belonging and purpose. You are a gift from God and I feel it wholeheartedly. Thank you for making me feel complete (that's not to say I don't want you to have brothers or sisters someday, but I just never felt completely myself until you came along). Thank you for bringing me closer to God. When you become a parent a long LONG time from now, you'll understand :).
In closing I just want to say that I wish so much for you. So much joy and adventure! I want you to know that I'm always here for you whenever you need me. Even if you mess up. We all mess up, honey! There's nothing you can do that will stop me loving you. I want you to know that I'm here to support you. I apologize in advance because I'm also here to unintentionally embarrass you. I will help you in any way that I can. You can always talk to me about anything. I wish for you to have a heart and a love for others. I wish for you to show the world what a good example of a Christian should be. I wish for you to be strong because times will get hard. I wish for you to have a good work ethic and to do your best in everything you do (A+ or C+; no matter what your best looks like). I wish for you to love music like I do (I think that you already do!). In short, I wish for you to have a long happy and healthy life with good friends, prosperity, a love for God, and a wonderful wife and children someday (but you're sooo not allowed to move far away from me!).
Baby, you're just everything.
I love you,
Mommy
