Hey people. Just thought I'd give another update in my life.
Get ready for a hot mess.
Yesterday was Sunday, and aside from being my beautiful sons third birthday (how did that happen so fast?!?!), it was a challenging day at church.
Something that has changed since my last post is that we have found a church that we absolutely love. We are still trying to get connected on a deeper level with people/ministries/etc. but I'm sure that'll come. It still royally sucks to be the new kid.
First thing that struck me yesterday came from our church service. The sermon was incredibly powerful and moved me to tears a few times (granted, these days, that isn't difficult to do, but the sermon was amazing!). One such time was because of something incredibly simple, and some might say cliché; at the end of the message, the pastor had everyone close their eyes and meditate on this:
God. Loves. YOU.
Every part of you.
You cannot go anywhere to escape His love.
God. Loves. You.
Of all the things to strike me, that did it. I sing "Jesus Loves Me" with my son every night before bed. I know the words...most people do. God loves me? Full disclosure: I don't know that I really truly believe it wholeheartedly. Especially when I feel, for lack of better words, abandoned and forgotten.
I'll come back to this thought but now I want to touch on the second thing that struck me.
This came from our Sunday school class.
The teacher spoke on what I affectionately call "The Spiderman Verse" of the bible.
Luke 12:48b "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand more."
Get it? Spiderman? "With great power comes great responsibility."
In class we discussed the things that God has blessed us with and the responsibility that comes along with those things.
- Children = caring/nurturing/providing/loving/etc.
- Jobs = hard work/discipline/responsibility/etc.
- Health = taking good care of our bodies
The teacher brought up deeper blessings, but the one that stood out to me was the last point:
Faith.
Our faith is a blessing from God and it doesn't matter what that looks like from person to person (i.e. Matthew 17:20 -mustard seed), He uses what we have.
I thought of another 'branch on the blessing/faith tree' if you will: trials.
I've believed from a fairly young age that the hardships I've gone through in my life weren't just to ultimately benefit myself, but to hopefully help others as well. Simply put, my struggles in marriage, infertility, weight, depression, and MOVING ALL THE STINKIN TIME must be for more than I even know. Those are the blessings.
I believe my responsibility is to just say something. To be reasonably transparent in my trials and hurts to hopefully benefit someone who might be hurting in the same way.
There you go. If you know me personally, I'm pretty much an open book. I learned too late in life that giving the appearance of "perfection" and "everything is awesome!!!" benefits absolutely nobody...especially myself. Now I don't shut up. God has given me strength in my vulnerability.
So here it is: I'm definitely struggling. IN NO WAY to I think I have it rougher than anyone in the history of man. As difficult as things are, I thank God for the problems I have. It could be so much worse. On the flip side of that, I think Satan tries to tell me that my problems are so small compared to what others are dealing with, speaking up for the purpose of possibly helping someone is just foolish. Maybe I will come off as whiny or pathetic, but maybe someone who just happens to endure my posts can feel they are not alone.
I went to a K-12 private Christian school. I never had to be the 'new kid' until college. THAT went well (extreme sarcasm intended). I never moved growing up - my parents still live in the same house I grew up in. I didn't leave that house until I got married. Marriage has brought many moves. My husband and I have lived in five different homes in four states in the eight and a half years we've been married. The place we lived prior to this only lasted 11 months. I have no idea how long we will live here. I have completely jumped off of the cliff labeled "COMFORT ZONE" into the river of "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON". I'm an introvert that now has to be an extrovert. A perfect job for someone who gets anxiety when the pastor announces that the time has come in the service to stand up and greet everyone around you. I usually feign convenient thirst and proceed to 'greet' my water bottle at that time.
One of the hardest parts of being an introvert wearing the costume of an extrovert is just one of the facts of life: you will face rejection more often than not. That only makes it harder to keep up the energy required of extroverts...especially after almost a year and a half of rejection after rejection.
That's where I am now. Feeling rejected. Forgotten. Abandoned. Homeless. Too different to be loved or accepted. Not worth the time to be listened to. Too tired to try so hard anymore.
I'll confess, sometimes my prayers are just two tear-soaked lines.
"God, I don't understand this. I just want to go home."
Is it so wrong for me to have the desires of my heart? To want my son to grow up around family? To have stability???? Is stability so wrong?! Why is it that I have to feel as though life happens TO me?
It's easy to jump to the conclusion that my wants don't matter. I'm just a rag doll waiting to be tossed onto a different shelf.
Clichés don't help.
If someone stabbed you in the arm, smiled, and said, "Everything happens for a reason! Praying for you!" and walked away, how would you feel? God knows I've said that before (not after a stabbing, obviously), but I do try to be more intentional and conscientious of what I say to hurting people now. And don't get me wrong: prayer is wonderful and much appreciated! Sometimes I feel that the phrase "I'm praying for you!" can mean as little as "I don't know what else to say but I think as a Christian I'm supposed to say this. BYE!"
Yesterday, though. Simplicity was exactly what I needed to hear.
God loves me? Even though my faith is so small right now? Even though I'm frustrated and even angry at times? Even all the way down here in Oklahoma?
It was a much needed reminder that He didn't lose me or forget me, and, in spite of my sin and not being 'perfect'... He loves me anyway.
He. Loves. ME.
Thank you for letting me have a voice.
Lauren
