Turn that frown upside down. Right now. Do it.

The second Drew and I moved to Des Moines, I wanted out. Omaha was my homaha...nowhere else. I lived there almost four years, but my head was always in Omaha.

It seemed like a dream come true to have the opportunity to move back, but it's been terrible.

I had it good in Des Moines but I wasn't looking around, I was looking over to the other side of the fence.

In my head and heart, I know that God moved us here for a reason.... and that everything that has happened here has been for a reason and will ultimately be used for good. So glad that is truth.

I've been looking lots of places for happiness and, surprise, haven't found it anywhere I looked. Every step I have been taking has ripped my focus and self-esteem to shreds.

I love Beth Moore books. "Get out of that Pit" was my first taste and now I'm trying "Breaking Free". Both books (especially the first) reference being stuck in a pit and the various ways you get into a pit. I am, without a doubt, in a giant self-made pit. The thing that is encouraging though is the books say that the only way you can't leave a pit is if you refuse to leave.

I want the flip out. I'm gonna get out.

My trouble is constantly remembering truths. I always go back to "but I did this! but this happened! no one loves me! I'm a freak here!" So I'm gonna start listing truths right now for my own benefit. Hopefully this will be something that I reference when I'm spazing about how much I hate myself.

1. God loves me; no matter what I've done or will do.
2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
3. God knows what has happened in the past and will use it for His ultimate good.
4. I have a purpose.
5. God doesn't want me to live with a spirit of fear and depression.
6. My worth doesn't come from others.
7. I can only control myself, not others.
8. God has provided me with a wonderful family.
9. God has provided me with wonderful friends, even if they are far away.
10. I don't have to be perfect and please everyone at all times.
11. I have talents; I can sing, paint, draw, and make (most) people laugh (even if it is AT me!).
12. Satan wants me to fail and will do anything to make me fail.

There are more, obviously, but I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment. Such is Lauren.

If you have any to add, lemme know.

Now for a more lighthearted list. Things I want/am hoping for here in Omaha:

1. A movie twin: I've got a quirky sense of humor and I'd love someone to joke around with.
2. A farmers market buddy.
3. A Bible study buddy(ies); not giant, informal group. Close, personal friends.
4. A rocker buddy: someone who likes to jump around at shows like I do.
5. Heck, I just want someone who is genuinely happy to see me every day because of who I am and not what I do. Oh, and someone who doesn't get sick of listening to me talk.

I don't want to waste the opportunities I've been given by God.
Sulking no more.

Lauren out.

Back to the Future

It's amazing how much I've thought, over the years, that if I could only go back in time, I could teach 'past Lauren' a thing or two. "Avoid this, pursue that" type of stuff.

Yeah, I've definitely done some things I'm not proud of at all, but 'past Lauren' reminded me today that there isn't anything that can happen in my life that God won't use for good. She schooled me.

I just got done reading all of my past blog posts. It's so interesting to see how my focus has changed as of late. Well, more like terrible.

My last post discussed the upcoming move back to Omaha. Excited and scared of the uncertainty that awaited us at our new home. Looking back, I wish I was better equipped (emotionally and spiritually) for such a change.

Highs and Lows:

-We have wonderful renters for our house in Des Moines.

-We're way closer to my family.

-Cupcake Island. (If you know it, you understand.)

-Not terribly happy with our living situation.

-I failed to realize that my 'Omaha friends' all moved away.

-I got fat again. (Haha...cupcake island.)

I'm currently working as an infant teacher for Bright Horizons. It is a great job. No job is perfect, but it's a great job. It keeps me quite busy!

I don't do much 'art' anymore for myself. Just not excited or inspired as much anymore.

Drew loves his job so much. He is the best at what he does and he's due to get a big, well-deserved promotion pretty soon. I'm so proud of how hard he works. The downside is that he works A LOT. It's not unusual for him to have a 70 hour work week. Working open to close and beyond. Once he had a 19 hour work day. I can't believe his strength. I'm sure he's so exhausted but he never seems like it! Like a boss.

Unfortunately for us, though, his work schedule leaves me home alone a lot. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me till recently.

Something I probably took for granted in Des Moines were my Christian friends. I'd give anything to have Lisa Nelson Rogan (haha) here every day. What I had, friend-wise, in Des Moines was very rare.

I'd like a Bible study to go to with girls my age. Spiritual connection and growth is what I crave now. I need it.

I lived in Omaha 20 years before Drew and I got married and moved away. Now I'm back and somehow, it seems larger. I feel like a small fish in a big pond. Lost in everything that goes on around me. Unnoticed. It's a day to day struggle to keep swimming. Let's just say that if my life were that "Footprints in the Sand" poem, this scene of my life most definitely has one set of footprints.

Sometimes it feels like I'm back at square one again. I guess the positive side of knowing this is that I know what I have to do. My focus is kaput. My thoughts are trash. My eyes are not on what they should be.

This ends now. I've made mistakes; big and small. Satan knows I don't know how to forgive myself. There is a wonderful song that, lately, has become my 'mantra'.

Jason Gray "I Am New"

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

That's just a portion.

Every time I start to hate myself all over again, I think "I am new."

Time has gotten away from me again. I've got to go. I wish I could end by saying that I'm doing great now, but I'm still in this struggle. The good news is that the presence of a struggle means there is a fight going on, and God will win. Even while I'm in this, I'm starting to see God's hand in everyday things and people. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm back from the dead.

This is an opportunity for growth.

I don't know who still reads this, but if you'd pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

The past is the past. I can't get back to the future without letting go of it. Somehow I feel like getting plutonium for a delorian is easier. Hmm.

Love love love,

Lauren

The Times, They are A-Changin'

The first line of my last post is a little ironic, considering this post comes over a year after it. Anyway, that isn't the point.

In less than a month, I will no longer be an Iowan. The day will soon come, the day I've wished for ever since we moved here, that I will return to my motherland. Omaha, Nebraska, here we come!

It was a sudden opportunity that was thrust upon us, but things are falling into place and I'm glad I don't have to plan a thing. Basically, as of right now, the only 'worry' we've got is renting out our home in Des Moines. It will happen though. Everything else has.

I've known we were going to be moving ever since Wednesday, September 8, at 4:30 p.m. However, the reality of the situation is just starting to hit me.

At first, I cried. I want to live in Omaha. I want to live near my family. I want a better job. I. Want. OUT. But.... all of my best friends are here! I didn't make any friends in college, that fact and some other situations that had occurred in my life led me to believe that I was just thoroughly and completely unlovable and unlikeable. My daycare coworkers proved that wrong. I've never met so many wonderful people that make me feel like I'm wonderful too. People I have REAL fun with. People who make me laugh till I cry. People who I can talk to and will listen and care.

Then there are the children I work with every day. I never leave for the day without getting at least one hundred hugs.

Between my friends and the children, I've given away so many pieces of my heart I won't be returning to Omaha with much of a heart at all. So much love to all my friends.

Tomorrow I am turning in my two weeks notice. The above feelings are still true, I will miss my friends and children very much, but I could not be more excited to only have two weeks left! I wanna party! I feel like Ferris Bueller. I'm gonna hijack a parade. Seriously, let's have a party or two before I'm gone, eh?

Now is where I get sentimental.

I've learned so much in the three years (has it only been three???) I've lived here. I'll not share the obvious adventures of learning to live 'on my own', being married, etc. Just the not so obvious ones.

I already spoke of making friends. I'll admit. I'm a loser! I'm a complete dweeby dork. I never understood why people liked me and understood completely when they decided they didn't like me anymore. This attitude made me feel like Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy" at the restaurant when he illustrates what he does with his 'pets' (clients) by using a dinner roll.(Not gonna explain the reference, go see the movie.)

I've learned that when Satan sees something in your life that you struggle with (i.e. confidence), he grabs hold and pulls with everything he's got. I wasn't thinking on the truth, I was believing lies that I was worthless and no one could possibly ever genuinely like me. God provided me with some of the best friends I've ever had and showed me the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not arrogant. But I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a sinner who has been forgiven and cleansed. I am blessed.

I am talented. My friends at work sparked a passion in me. I was asked if I was artistic and replied "kinda" and the rest is history. I've done art project after art project for work and love making things with my hands. I want to do this. I've started freelance art projects and intend to do it more and more in the future. My heart is in woodburning, painting, drawing, etc. I've been asked if I took art classes. No, I haven't. In high school, I never thought I was good enough. Everyone else at OCA seemed so out of my league. I was embarrassed so I did nothing. Not anymore. I can do this. I'll be taking art classes in Omaha just as soon as my little hands can find some. Anyway, that's the passion, that's the plan.

I can't talk about significant Iowa experiences without mentioning Caitlin. Probably the most significant person I've ever met. If you've ever seen a life and heart changed by God, you know what I mean. We've drifted apart a bit, but I will never forget her, and I will always love her and appreciate how God LET me be blessed enough to be a part of her life. I love you, Caitlin.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll realize more later.

What adventures and trials await me in Omaha? Tune in to find out.

One thing is always true, wherever/ whenever. God is good and in control.



The line it is drawn, The curse it is cast
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'
And the first one now will later be last
For the times, they are a-changin'.

Don't you know that it's just you...You'll do.

Wow, it has been quite a while since I last blogged. Then again, I usually don't have much to say, and as I mentioned in my first post ever, I probably wont write very frequently until I'm 'with child' or something... which I am not.

Anyway, kinda feeling like rambling tonight.


I am a tragic underachiever. I am smart, talented, creative, and what have you (at least I think so occasionally). I do not do much with said smarts, talent, and creativity.

In high school and college, I never found it terribly difficult to get good grades, but I've never been much of a school person. Recently I finished up classes at DMACC for my CDA (Child Development Associate) degree. Hated it! (Picture that said like those guys on "In Living Color".) I just cannot sit still for anything. My mind wanders like crazy. I am just not the kind of person that can sit and listen for a long time. There are very few people my mind can even concentrate on listening to (fortunately, Pastor Mike is one!!!). This CDA degree was a requirement for my job, which I love. I know for a fact that God put me in this job. His hand was so evident in every aspect of my hiring, etc. I am where I am supposed to be and I. Am. Happy. There.

Sometimes I feel a little 'left behind' though. Friends of mine are graduating from college after 4 years, and I went for like, a year and a quarter. I know it was God's plan, but to the world, I look like a failure, I'm sure. That hurts sometimes. It's easy to say, "Well, people's opinions don't matter." but not easy to set your mind to. These days, people are bombarded with the theory that if you don't go to school for 4 years or more and get a degree in something significant, you will fail at life. Whereas I completely beg to differ, it is sometimes hard to keep standing in the confidence of knowing that my pathetic college career that amounted to just about nothing is, in fact, good enough.

Sometimes I think I want to go back to school... but for what? I have ideas but I don't know how to achieve what I want to achieve. I cannot and will not sit in a classroom for hours on end. My brain can't handle it. I am convinced that I have autistic tendencies that went undiagnosed, haha.

I wish I could write. Write well. I don't want to write books or poems or haiku's or whatever. I want to write songs. I am so interested in music and singing but embarrassed to admit it out loud for fear of being one of those bad American Idol auditions. I love to sing. I have absolutely no confidence, but I love to sing. Drew doesn't even get to hear me that often! I'm just afraid of being judged, I guess. (Wow, I am Brennan from "Step Brothers"). I want to learn how to write a song. I'd love help. Here's the thing: I can't read music. I was in choir/ensemble for what, 12 years? Don't tell Mr. Nilius that I still can't read music! I took voice and piano lessons. I would just memorize what to do. Whatever. Louise Harrison told me that none of the Beatles could read music either... that kind of inspired me.... then again, I'm no John, Paul, or George... I'm not even Ringo.
I want to be in a band. The lead singer! I picture myself as a rock-ier version of John Mayer but without the tool like personality, sappy lyrics, or fondness for Jessica Simpson. In my dreams.


I do a lot of art projects around the daycare for various teachers. I love it! I was in mandatory art classes throughout elementary school but that's about it. I think I am pretty good sometimes. I'm told I'm good, too. I want to be better. I'd love to take a class on painting. I probably will eventually. I just don't want to have to paint some naked dude. I'll select the class I take carefully...

I've always loved acting. I have no idea if I was ever any good, haha. I did get most of the leads in high school. I don't want to be Reese Witherspoon. I want to be Zooey Deschanel or someone else who does more artistic films. Oh yeah, I want to do films. This is a lofty dream. Not one I entertain in my thoughts very often at all. Just thought I'd put it out there in case Tim Burton reads my blog.

Right now, I'm trying to figure things out. I feel like I don't know what it is that I 'do'. I'm pretty good at a bunch of things... I want to be excellent at 1 or 2 things at least. I guess I don't know what it is that I want exactly... some days I think I know, but then I can't figure out how to get there.

All I know is this; I want something more.


Naaaaaa Naaaa Naa, Na na Na naaaaaaaaaaa

This ended up being longer than I thought it would be.

Opportunity.

Last Sunday, April 12, My friend and coworker, Stacy, lost one of her beautiful 15 week old twin boys; a loss that I don't think the smartest person in the world could possibly wrap their brain around. I can't even imagine the pain that Stacy and her husband, Jared, are experiencing. My heart aches for them.

Little Easton was so tiny, so precious; he touched the life of everyone who knew him. All of my coworkers are pretty overwhelmed right now. Here is where opportunity knocks:

I don't know why this happened. I don't know what God's ultimate plan is, and I never will. I rejoice in the fact that Stacy and Jared are believers and can take comfort in knowing that they will see Easton again in heaven, but many of my coworkers do not share that knowledge.

How horrible is life and death to unbeliever's minds? No comfort in knowing that the Lord and Savior of the Universe is LOVE and even in this present suffering, there is hope?

This is where I see a huge opportunity: I want to show Christ to those people. I love all of my coworkers dearly and my heart aches for their salvation. I feel a bit insensitive when I think this but at the risk of that; I believe that God will use the tragedy of Easton's death to lead others to Him.

So many people are hurt and confused right now. I don't have all the answers. No one does. But I do know this: God knows. God has a plan that we may never understand. God loves his children and wants everyone to know Him.

If I died tomorrow, I would want others to be shown Christ. I would want God to use my death to point others to Him. I would want my friends and loved ones to know that I am in heaven with my Father, and they will see me again.

I'm not the most eloquent person in the world, and I, myself, am still trying to wrap my brain around this, but I know my God will help.

I ask for prayer, friends: Prayer for courage to speak about God to my coworkers. Prayer that my fellow Christian coworkers will join me. Prayer that people will be lead to Christ. And of course, prayer for the Van Egdom family. The loss of a child is something so terrible... Pray for comfort and wisdom. I pray that they will constantly look to God for help and that their faith will stay strong.

Thank you.
Lauren

I feel like a zombie today.

I wrote this a year ago today on my now-deleted myspace blog:


This is basically just my rant right now. I've just got to get it out. I don't care who reads it or what you think of it. All of the thoughts and feelings may not be "Biblically sound" or whatever but I won't apologize.

3-3-08: I have no Grandmas.
It's not fair. I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to fall down and I want to just kick the crap out of someone, anyone, but there is no one to blame.
Sometimes I blame God. I just don't understand how He works. I've been told that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes you may not be able to see the reason right away. I've even been told that sometimes you may never get a reason why some things happen. Freaking "Because I said so"????? I've never been the kind of person to accept that for an answer. I tell myself that my grandmas were just too good, God needed them for Himself because they were just too wonderful. Thats the only logical thing I can think of.
I'm selfish. God, I want them. I'm only 21. I'm not done with them yet!
I never got the chance to show either of them my house.
I never am going to get the chance to show them my children (and for Grandma Simmerman, I'm never going to get the chance to show her that she has a grandaughter that is capable of being a wonderful mother and she can be proud of me for it.) and tell them that I am a great mother because of the things they taught me.
Grandma S: I can never go shopping with you. Do lunch. Tell you how sorry I am that I didn't come to Elm Creek to visit you more. She was so taken for granted. I hate myself for that every day. Grandma, I was never bored at your house, I just hated Annie. I still hate Annie. Everytime I see her, I want to kick her face in for how she's hurt you and grandpa and everyone else who has carried her, bent over backwards, and done everything for her with no thanks in return. I hate her even more for preventing me from visiting you. But I hate myself even more than I hate her because somehow when I got older, other things, stupid things, just suddenly became 'more important'. God, I'm so sorry.

Grandma P: I'm never going to get to cook for you again. I can't ever come ring your doorbell, and have you come watch me shoot hoops in your driveway for 5 minutes. You always acted like I was the most amazing child you've ever seen. I'm never going to hear your stories. I didn't care that I'd heard them the day before, or the day before that. I loved seeing you smile while you told them. I can never show you another pretty dress that I bought and have you say, "OOh! Pretty! But why do you always pick black?"

I'm thankful for the time I've had with you.
But what about Kati? She won't have any Grandmothers at her graduation or wedding. I was fortunate enough to have them at mine. I break down all over again thinking of how Kati won't be blessed with some of the memories I have.

It's just not fair! Grandma S. was WALKING DOWN THE STEPS! Just walking to her car!!! She tripped and broke her leg! Do you know of anyone who has died of complications from a BROKEN LEG???? I do. I hate that I do. Fell on Monday, died on Sunday. It's just so random and stupid. Thats right, stupid. I think God was stupid for taking my Grandma away from us so suddenly. Yes, I am thankful that she wasn't dying of cancer and suffering for months and months. But seriously, how many people in the world just plain heal from a broken leg??? It's not fair, and it's stupid.
Grandma P, why didn't you ever taken your medicine correctly? Sometimes it seemed as if you wanted to just give up and die. WE STILL WANTED YOU. WE STILL NEEDED YOU! Stacie and Jessica are having babies! Babies that are going to miss out on knowing a wonderful Great Grandma. Grandma P didn't suffer either, she just went to sleep. Obviously, that I am thankful for.

My parents don't have moms anymore. How do you deal with that? How do you just "not have a mom" anymore?
I hate it when you cry so much that your sinuses just have so much pressure you feel like your head is going to explode.
I'll probably come back and edit this later, but this is all I can take for now.


A year later, here is my edit:

Not gonna lie, it still hurts. A ton. I've been walking around very distracted all day. I finally broke down tonight. I don't think it's possible to ever stop missing them and hating the fact that they are gone...but it's awful selfish of me.

I still don't know why things went down like they did. But God knows. And I need to trust in His soverignty. Here are some things I can always know for sure in any situation (taken from Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George):

*Nothing will ever happen to you that God does not already know about (Psalm 139:1-4).

* Nothing will ever happen to you that is a mistake (PSalm 139: 4-16).

*Nothing will ever happen that you cannot handle by God's power and grace (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

*Nothing will ever happen to you that will not eventually be used by God for some good purpose in your life (Romans 8:28).

*Nothing will ever happen to you without God's presence (Matthew 28:20).

A year ago today, I lost my very last Grandma. The one I was very close with. But the worst part of that time was that the Lord was not a part of my life at that point. I can feel it in my words, I can remember the darkness. I haven't reached some 'enlightened' point where I'm all Holy or anything of the sort; I, myself, am a disgusting fool. Now, though, I have my Savior.

Thank you, Lord, for your comfort at this time.

Right now, I'm gonna hold onto those verses as tight as I can, and get some sleep.

Goodnight, Grandmas. I love you.

The Most Beautiful

When I took the break position at Iowa Health, I had no idea what God had planned. Sometimes I picture God up in heaven, just chuckling at me, saying, "Oh Lauren, you can try and make plans... but wait until you see what I have planned for you!!!" Yes, Lord, it is always way better than anything I could have ever imagined.

This story is not about me. It's about HIM. His power, glory, and works.

When I started working for Iowa Health, I met a beautiful girl named Caitlin. When I first met her, we started talking, and I totally felt like a huge dork. I was telling her about myself; I'm married, I'm 21, and I attended a Bible college...not things to be ashamed of, but things that are possibly dorky to a super-cool 20-something. She's gorgeous, and I was intimidated.

A few days later, we were watching kids on the playground and she walked up to me and said, "Hey, where do you go to church?" I told her about how I'd just started going to Willow Creek and how great it was. She asked if she could come with me sometime, I of course said yes! We spent the next few days talking, hanging out, planning a jewelry party (haha, that bombed!), etc. She was unsaved. She had a hard life. She had a lot of pain.

As we became closer as friends, the more I knew about her, the more I thought, "God, you brought me this amazing person. Help me to show her YOU." So many of the things she had experienced, I had, too. I love moments when you realize, "Hey, that excruciating pain I experienced back then is something I can use to help someone now!!! Thank you, God, for Your perfect plan!!!"

She began attending church with us regularly and met some great people who immediately loved and had a burden for her, just like I did. She did a Tuesday night bible study with them, and a Thursday night bible study with me and my cousin, Jessica. Caitlin was so thirsty for God!

I can't even begin to explain how cool it was to see. Someone so hurt and lost, and now so happy and receptive to God's word! She's the coolest person in the world. I'll never forget when I gave her her own bible. When I saw her later in the day, she said, "I've already read the first 10 pages!"

Many things happened in the months that followed. God changed her heart, mind, and LIFE!

About a month and a half ago, Caitlin tells me she got saved. I was like, "What???!?!?! When????" She said she had prayed one night a while back while she was in her room alone. I asked her why she didn't say anything sooner, she said, "I didn't know if I was supposed to keep it a secret!"

At this point, our whole church had heard of Caitlin and had fallen in love with her and was praying with her. Obviously, everyone was so excited to hear that she got saved!

The next Sunday was a baptismal service. I whispered to her, "You should get baptized now!" She was like, "I don't think I could ever get up the nerve to do that!!!"

Fast forward to now. Here are some photos I took on Sunday, January 11, 2009:

This is Caitlin.

A changed life. A sister in Christ.

I love her so much.

Words cannot express how honored and humbled I am that I got to see the beautiful transformation happen. Jessica and I (and I'm sure many others) were in tears when Caitlin was up there giving her testimony. Once again, this is so not me, it's all God.

It makes me want more. I want to see this happen MORE. I want to let everyone I know how great my God is.

Here is my prayer: That I would have courage to share the gospel with my friends, coworkers, and basically everyone! I want more lives to be changed! I want the people that I see hurting to feel the love of Christ and have their lives changed, too! I.Want.More. Not for me, for HIM. I have never felt such a burden on my heart before.

Yknow, Caitlin asked me about church. How many more people are out there waiting for someone to invite them???? I don't want to waste a single opportunity.

How great is our God? --That song will always bring tears to my eyes now.

I love you all. I hope you were blessed by the (condensed) story of Caitlin like I am. Isn't God amazing????

Lauren