Last Sunday, April 12, My friend and coworker, Stacy, lost one of her beautiful 15 week old twin boys; a loss that I don't think the smartest person in the world could possibly wrap their brain around. I can't even imagine the pain that Stacy and her husband, Jared, are experiencing. My heart aches for them.
Little Easton was so tiny, so precious; he touched the life of everyone who knew him. All of my coworkers are pretty overwhelmed right now. Here is where opportunity knocks:
I don't know why this happened. I don't know what God's ultimate plan is, and I never will. I rejoice in the fact that Stacy and Jared are believers and can take comfort in knowing that they will see Easton again in heaven, but many of my coworkers do not share that knowledge.
How horrible is life and death to unbeliever's minds? No comfort in knowing that the Lord and Savior of the Universe is LOVE and even in this present suffering, there is hope?
This is where I see a huge opportunity: I want to show Christ to those people. I love all of my coworkers dearly and my heart aches for their salvation. I feel a bit insensitive when I think this but at the risk of that; I believe that God will use the tragedy of Easton's death to lead others to Him.
So many people are hurt and confused right now. I don't have all the answers. No one does. But I do know this: God knows. God has a plan that we may never understand. God loves his children and wants everyone to know Him.
If I died tomorrow, I would want others to be shown Christ. I would want God to use my death to point others to Him. I would want my friends and loved ones to know that I am in heaven with my Father, and they will see me again.
I'm not the most eloquent person in the world, and I, myself, am still trying to wrap my brain around this, but I know my God will help.
I ask for prayer, friends: Prayer for courage to speak about God to my coworkers. Prayer that my fellow Christian coworkers will join me. Prayer that people will be lead to Christ. And of course, prayer for the Van Egdom family. The loss of a child is something so terrible... Pray for comfort and wisdom. I pray that they will constantly look to God for help and that their faith will stay strong.
Thank you.
Lauren
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I feel like a zombie today.
I wrote this a year ago today on my now-deleted myspace blog:
This is basically just my rant right now. I've just got to get it out. I don't care who reads it or what you think of it. All of the thoughts and feelings may not be "Biblically sound" or whatever but I won't apologize.
3-3-08: I have no Grandmas.
It's not fair. I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to fall down and I want to just kick the crap out of someone, anyone, but there is no one to blame.
Sometimes I blame God. I just don't understand how He works. I've been told that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes you may not be able to see the reason right away. I've even been told that sometimes you may never get a reason why some things happen. Freaking "Because I said so"????? I've never been the kind of person to accept that for an answer. I tell myself that my grandmas were just too good, God needed them for Himself because they were just too wonderful. Thats the only logical thing I can think of.
I'm selfish. God, I want them. I'm only 21. I'm not done with them yet!
I never got the chance to show either of them my house.
I never am going to get the chance to show them my children (and for Grandma Simmerman, I'm never going to get the chance to show her that she has a grandaughter that is capable of being a wonderful mother and she can be proud of me for it.) and tell them that I am a great mother because of the things they taught me.
Grandma S: I can never go shopping with you. Do lunch. Tell you how sorry I am that I didn't come to Elm Creek to visit you more. She was so taken for granted. I hate myself for that every day. Grandma, I was never bored at your house, I just hated Annie. I still hate Annie. Everytime I see her, I want to kick her face in for how she's hurt you and grandpa and everyone else who has carried her, bent over backwards, and done everything for her with no thanks in return. I hate her even more for preventing me from visiting you. But I hate myself even more than I hate her because somehow when I got older, other things, stupid things, just suddenly became 'more important'. God, I'm so sorry.
Grandma P: I'm never going to get to cook for you again. I can't ever come ring your doorbell, and have you come watch me shoot hoops in your driveway for 5 minutes. You always acted like I was the most amazing child you've ever seen. I'm never going to hear your stories. I didn't care that I'd heard them the day before, or the day before that. I loved seeing you smile while you told them. I can never show you another pretty dress that I bought and have you say, "OOh! Pretty! But why do you always pick black?"
I'm thankful for the time I've had with you.
But what about Kati? She won't have any Grandmothers at her graduation or wedding. I was fortunate enough to have them at mine. I break down all over again thinking of how Kati won't be blessed with some of the memories I have.
It's just not fair! Grandma S. was WALKING DOWN THE STEPS! Just walking to her car!!! She tripped and broke her leg! Do you know of anyone who has died of complications from a BROKEN LEG???? I do. I hate that I do. Fell on Monday, died on Sunday. It's just so random and stupid. Thats right, stupid. I think God was stupid for taking my Grandma away from us so suddenly. Yes, I am thankful that she wasn't dying of cancer and suffering for months and months. But seriously, how many people in the world just plain heal from a broken leg??? It's not fair, and it's stupid.
Grandma P, why didn't you ever taken your medicine correctly? Sometimes it seemed as if you wanted to just give up and die. WE STILL WANTED YOU. WE STILL NEEDED YOU! Stacie and Jessica are having babies! Babies that are going to miss out on knowing a wonderful Great Grandma. Grandma P didn't suffer either, she just went to sleep. Obviously, that I am thankful for.
My parents don't have moms anymore. How do you deal with that? How do you just "not have a mom" anymore?
I hate it when you cry so much that your sinuses just have so much pressure you feel like your head is going to explode.
I'll probably come back and edit this later, but this is all I can take for now.
A year later, here is my edit:
Not gonna lie, it still hurts. A ton. I've been walking around very distracted all day. I finally broke down tonight. I don't think it's possible to ever stop missing them and hating the fact that they are gone...but it's awful selfish of me.
I still don't know why things went down like they did. But God knows. And I need to trust in His soverignty. Here are some things I can always know for sure in any situation (taken from Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George):
*Nothing will ever happen to you that God does not already know about (Psalm 139:1-4).
* Nothing will ever happen to you that is a mistake (PSalm 139: 4-16).
*Nothing will ever happen that you cannot handle by God's power and grace (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
*Nothing will ever happen to you that will not eventually be used by God for some good purpose in your life (Romans 8:28).
*Nothing will ever happen to you without God's presence (Matthew 28:20).
A year ago today, I lost my very last Grandma. The one I was very close with. But the worst part of that time was that the Lord was not a part of my life at that point. I can feel it in my words, I can remember the darkness. I haven't reached some 'enlightened' point where I'm all Holy or anything of the sort; I, myself, am a disgusting fool. Now, though, I have my Savior.
Thank you, Lord, for your comfort at this time.
Right now, I'm gonna hold onto those verses as tight as I can, and get some sleep.
Goodnight, Grandmas. I love you.
This is basically just my rant right now. I've just got to get it out. I don't care who reads it or what you think of it. All of the thoughts and feelings may not be "Biblically sound" or whatever but I won't apologize.
3-3-08: I have no Grandmas.
It's not fair. I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to fall down and I want to just kick the crap out of someone, anyone, but there is no one to blame.
Sometimes I blame God. I just don't understand how He works. I've been told that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes you may not be able to see the reason right away. I've even been told that sometimes you may never get a reason why some things happen. Freaking "Because I said so"????? I've never been the kind of person to accept that for an answer. I tell myself that my grandmas were just too good, God needed them for Himself because they were just too wonderful. Thats the only logical thing I can think of.
I'm selfish. God, I want them. I'm only 21. I'm not done with them yet!
I never got the chance to show either of them my house.
I never am going to get the chance to show them my children (and for Grandma Simmerman, I'm never going to get the chance to show her that she has a grandaughter that is capable of being a wonderful mother and she can be proud of me for it.) and tell them that I am a great mother because of the things they taught me.
Grandma S: I can never go shopping with you. Do lunch. Tell you how sorry I am that I didn't come to Elm Creek to visit you more. She was so taken for granted. I hate myself for that every day. Grandma, I was never bored at your house, I just hated Annie. I still hate Annie. Everytime I see her, I want to kick her face in for how she's hurt you and grandpa and everyone else who has carried her, bent over backwards, and done everything for her with no thanks in return. I hate her even more for preventing me from visiting you. But I hate myself even more than I hate her because somehow when I got older, other things, stupid things, just suddenly became 'more important'. God, I'm so sorry.
Grandma P: I'm never going to get to cook for you again. I can't ever come ring your doorbell, and have you come watch me shoot hoops in your driveway for 5 minutes. You always acted like I was the most amazing child you've ever seen. I'm never going to hear your stories. I didn't care that I'd heard them the day before, or the day before that. I loved seeing you smile while you told them. I can never show you another pretty dress that I bought and have you say, "OOh! Pretty! But why do you always pick black?"
I'm thankful for the time I've had with you.
But what about Kati? She won't have any Grandmothers at her graduation or wedding. I was fortunate enough to have them at mine. I break down all over again thinking of how Kati won't be blessed with some of the memories I have.
It's just not fair! Grandma S. was WALKING DOWN THE STEPS! Just walking to her car!!! She tripped and broke her leg! Do you know of anyone who has died of complications from a BROKEN LEG???? I do. I hate that I do. Fell on Monday, died on Sunday. It's just so random and stupid. Thats right, stupid. I think God was stupid for taking my Grandma away from us so suddenly. Yes, I am thankful that she wasn't dying of cancer and suffering for months and months. But seriously, how many people in the world just plain heal from a broken leg??? It's not fair, and it's stupid.
Grandma P, why didn't you ever taken your medicine correctly? Sometimes it seemed as if you wanted to just give up and die. WE STILL WANTED YOU. WE STILL NEEDED YOU! Stacie and Jessica are having babies! Babies that are going to miss out on knowing a wonderful Great Grandma. Grandma P didn't suffer either, she just went to sleep. Obviously, that I am thankful for.
My parents don't have moms anymore. How do you deal with that? How do you just "not have a mom" anymore?
I hate it when you cry so much that your sinuses just have so much pressure you feel like your head is going to explode.
I'll probably come back and edit this later, but this is all I can take for now.
A year later, here is my edit:
Not gonna lie, it still hurts. A ton. I've been walking around very distracted all day. I finally broke down tonight. I don't think it's possible to ever stop missing them and hating the fact that they are gone...but it's awful selfish of me.
I still don't know why things went down like they did. But God knows. And I need to trust in His soverignty. Here are some things I can always know for sure in any situation (taken from Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George):
*Nothing will ever happen to you that God does not already know about (Psalm 139:1-4).
* Nothing will ever happen to you that is a mistake (PSalm 139: 4-16).
*Nothing will ever happen that you cannot handle by God's power and grace (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
*Nothing will ever happen to you that will not eventually be used by God for some good purpose in your life (Romans 8:28).
*Nothing will ever happen to you without God's presence (Matthew 28:20).
A year ago today, I lost my very last Grandma. The one I was very close with. But the worst part of that time was that the Lord was not a part of my life at that point. I can feel it in my words, I can remember the darkness. I haven't reached some 'enlightened' point where I'm all Holy or anything of the sort; I, myself, am a disgusting fool. Now, though, I have my Savior.
Thank you, Lord, for your comfort at this time.
Right now, I'm gonna hold onto those verses as tight as I can, and get some sleep.
Goodnight, Grandmas. I love you.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Most Beautiful
When I took the break position at Iowa Health, I had no idea what God had planned. Sometimes I picture God up in heaven, just chuckling at me, saying, "Oh Lauren, you can try and make plans... but wait until you see what I have planned for you!!!" Yes, Lord, it is always way better than anything I could have ever imagined.
This story is not about me. It's about HIM. His power, glory, and works.
When I started working for Iowa Health, I met a beautiful girl named Caitlin. When I first met her, we started talking, and I totally felt like a huge dork. I was telling her about myself; I'm married, I'm 21, and I attended a Bible college...not things to be ashamed of, but things that are possibly dorky to a super-cool 20-something. She's gorgeous, and I was intimidated.
A few days later, we were watching kids on the playground and she walked up to me and said, "Hey, where do you go to church?" I told her about how I'd just started going to Willow Creek and how great it was. She asked if she could come with me sometime, I of course said yes! We spent the next few days talking, hanging out, planning a jewelry party (haha, that bombed!), etc. She was unsaved. She had a hard life. She had a lot of pain.
As we became closer as friends, the more I knew about her, the more I thought, "God, you brought me this amazing person. Help me to show her YOU." So many of the things she had experienced, I had, too. I love moments when you realize, "Hey, that excruciating pain I experienced back then is something I can use to help someone now!!! Thank you, God, for Your perfect plan!!!"
She began attending church with us regularly and met some great people who immediately loved and had a burden for her, just like I did. She did a Tuesday night bible study with them, and a Thursday night bible study with me and my cousin, Jessica. Caitlin was so thirsty for God!
I can't even begin to explain how cool it was to see. Someone so hurt and lost, and now so happy and receptive to God's word! She's the coolest person in the world. I'll never forget when I gave her her own bible. When I saw her later in the day, she said, "I've already read the first 10 pages!"
Many things happened in the months that followed. God changed her heart, mind, and LIFE!
About a month and a half ago, Caitlin tells me she got saved. I was like, "What???!?!?! When????" She said she had prayed one night a while back while she was in her room alone. I asked her why she didn't say anything sooner, she said, "I didn't know if I was supposed to keep it a secret!"
At this point, our whole church had heard of Caitlin and had fallen in love with her and was praying with her. Obviously, everyone was so excited to hear that she got saved!
The next Sunday was a baptismal service. I whispered to her, "You should get baptized now!" She was like, "I don't think I could ever get up the nerve to do that!!!"
Fast forward to now. Here are some photos I took on Sunday, January 11, 2009:
This is Caitlin.
A changed life. A sister in Christ.
I love her so much.
Words cannot express how honored and humbled I am that I got to see the beautiful transformation happen. Jessica and I (and I'm sure many others) were in tears when Caitlin was up there giving her testimony. Once again, this is so not me, it's all God.
It makes me want more. I want to see this happen MORE. I want to let everyone I know how great my God is.
Here is my prayer: That I would have courage to share the gospel with my friends, coworkers, and basically everyone! I want more lives to be changed! I want the people that I see hurting to feel the love of Christ and have their lives changed, too! I.Want.More. Not for me, for HIM. I have never felt such a burden on my heart before.
Yknow, Caitlin asked me about church. How many more people are out there waiting for someone to invite them???? I don't want to waste a single opportunity.
How great is our God? --That song will always bring tears to my eyes now.
I love you all. I hope you were blessed by the (condensed) story of Caitlin like I am. Isn't God amazing????
Lauren
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
There 'aint no party like my Nana's tea party.
Hi.
No surprise to anyone that it's Christmas time. Here's what my week looks like:
Monday: Worked
Tuesday: Worked
Wednesday: Will work, night; Travel to OMAHA.
Thursday: Christmas! Celebrate with Phillips side of family
Friday: Chill, travel to Elm Creek, NE in afternoon to celebrate with Simmerman side
Saturday: Elm Creek-y things
Sunday: afternoon; travel back to Omaha, and then Des Moines.
I can say with full confidence that this will be the hardest holiday of my life. No Grandmas.
Last year at Christmas, Grandma Simmerman was already gone. It was awful. I hear things aren't so well with Grandpa S. still (understandably). Grandma Phillips was still here...but not herself at times. She was hilarious though. I'll never forget how she confiscated all of the grandchildren's airsoft guns. She posed for a wicked awesome picture: totally Gram-bo. Three months later, she was gone, too.
Fond Memories:
Grandma and Grandpa S. live in a super small town, so Grandma would order our presents from catalogues. For years, she ordered Kati and I, what we called, "cat shirts". Basically the name says it all, but they were t-shirts with pictures of cats on them. Old lady looking, but we always got a kick out of them. We'd give them to our mom and laugh about getting another for the next holiday. It wasn't terribly random of her; we loved cats (a love we actually GOT from her. After she died, I told Drew I absolutely needed a cat, so we went out and got Miley.). I'd give anything for a cat t-shirt this Christmas.
After she died, someone older told Kati, "I still miss my grandma." I don't expect the pain to ever go away, or even fade. Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow in sorrow every day, but every time I think about my grandmas, it stings just as badly as it did when it happened.
I must not cry, though. That's the hardest part. How can I not? And honestly, the reason I have to stop doesn't exactly help me to stop: Grandma P HATED it when we cried. She would cry, too. Over anything. One time I was over at her house watching a sad movie, I started crying and, since she was deaf and didn't know the movie was sad, she thought I was upset and she started crying, too. I told her it was just the movie, but she still just hated to see me cry.
Every time I want to just bawl my eyes out, because, you know what? It's just not fair..... anyways... I picture Grandma looking at me with tears in her eyes, and somehow, I force myself to stop.
Oh Grandmas, there was so much left to do with you.
Both of my Grandmas loved birds, as do I. I'm going to get a bird tattoo for them.... I just.....
I just have to.
God blessed me with an amazing amazing family. I have to use "amazing" twice. "Scrumtrelescent" isn't even a strong enough word to describe how wonderful my family is. I am so lucky to have had such wonderful Grandmothers that helped me become who I am today. They raised wonderful children. I have the best parents in the world. Their legacy will carry on.
Grandma and Grandpa Simmerman (Left), Grandma and Grandpa Phillips (Right)
This was the last time I saw my Grandma S. alive. It's hard to look at the wedding pictures.
Pray for my Grandpas. Especially Simmerman.
Thank you,
Lauren
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Being for the Benefit of Mrs. Phillips-Schneider
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered
forgive them anyway..."
How do you 'forgive'? It's something I struggle with often. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense..." You're saying I've got to forgive _____? Even if they're not sorry? Even if they're never sorry? Even if they never know (or care) how badly they've hurt me? Even if they keep doing _______ over and over?" Ka-razy. Every once in a while I'll think that it's just not fair that I've got to walk around wounded and they're just dandy. Sometimes I just want to have the chance to yell "Do you know what you did?? I can't trust because of you! I can't _____ because of you! How dare you!"
Thank goodness I know better (now, heh). Praise God that there is a purpose for my pain. Think about Joseph! How much more did he suffer at the hands of his own brothers? And they didn't care.... they threw him in a pit...and went and had something to eat. God knew. And He wouldn't have let it happen to Joseph if He hadn't seen a higher purpose. Take comfort. HE KNOWS.
"...If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives,
be kind anyway..."
How hard is it to be kind in any circumstance? Very. Kindness...hmm. It pains me to think of how many times I've ruined my testimony by being unkind. Some people are just so easy to be rude to. Anymore, those people make me want to show them Jesus.
"...If you are honest, people may cheat you
be honest anyway..."
Dishonesty doesn't have to be ginormous. It can be itty bitty. How many baby lies do I tell every day? Half-truths? Someone from my church once put it this way, "Every time I think 'oh, that's just an innocent little white lie, didn't hurt anyone.' I've got to remember, Christ DIED for that little white lie. That teeny sin was big enough to need forgiveness for and Christ took MY punnishment. He died for that one little sin."
"...If you find happiness, people may be jealous
be happy anyway..."
Rejoice in the Lord for He is good!!! How many blessings do we get every day? We don't even deserve them! Ha!
I've been so blessed in my life. I can't tell you how thankful I am. For instance, my job! I've never been so happy with a job in my life. I love what I do and I really love who I work with. I'll talk your ear off about how amazing my coworkers are. Trust me. It's so neat to see Gods hand at work every day. Breathtaking.
"...The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow,
do good anyway..."
I'll be honest; here's a story from my own life:
I do a TON of extra things for one of my coworkers. Love her to death, but I don't get any "thank you's". Just "could you do such-and-such now?" or "thats great, but you need to do ________ as well". These are just little projects. Nothing that I'm required to do, I just do them out of the 'goodness of my heart' haha...right? Sometimes I'd like some recognition, I'll be honest. But I've got to humble myself. Basically, what I'm doing for said coworker, could be considered "gifts". What is a gift? Something you give and don't expect anything in return.
I need to be better about not thinking I 'deserve' something out of it.
Thats the whole point of doing good. If we expect something in return, that's all 'earthly goods'. My reward is in heaven. (I'm definately not saying I'm some awesome person who is amazing and does amazing things, blah blah. In reality, I need to do MORE.)
"...Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough,
give your best anyway..."
See above.
I always want to be striving to do better in all areas of my life. Assistance through prayer would be helpful :).
Now...here's the bottom line:
"...For you see in the end, it is between you and God
it was never between you and them anyway."
-Mother Teresa
I have a picture frame with that quote in it. My mom bought it for me. I don't even think she realized how much it meant to me. The first part jumped out and bit me. I hope maybe it helped someone else like it did for me.
Another thing I like to remember is something I read in "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore; Whenever I think, "Why did I have to go through all of the things I went through??? Why couldn't my life have been more simple, less painful?"
"You're a much neater person healed that you would have been perfect."- Beth Moore
(I may have changed wording a bit, I don't have the book at the moment, but the idea is the same.)
Anyways, Thanks for reading.
Love,
Lauren
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Freestylin...like it's just..random...r-r-random.
I don't really have a clear point right now, I just need to write. Who knows what my fingers have to say?
Drew and I are cleaning out the closet right now. Mostly my clothes, including prom dresses and multiple formals for other high school occasions. High school didn't seem that long ago till now...
Side note; I think it would be really depressing if back then I had the knowledge of people I do now. For example; being able to look at all of your friends/classmates/whatever, straight in the eye, and know which ones are just going to leave or betray you. I guess it's a good thing time and knowledge works the way it does then, eh?
If "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was possible, I'd totally do that...maybe.
God is good.
It's crazy to think of where I was last year at this time. I was miserable, God-less, and so alone. It's amazing how ever since I turned my life over to God, every detail has changed; jobs, friends, happiness.
I still struggle with trust, though.
And forgiveness. Jessica taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to forget that I was hurt. Sometimes I still feel like I don't understand how to forgive, though. I'd rather forget I was hurt.
I miss my grandmas. How to people just stop living? And whats more, how is time allowed to pass without them?
My thoughts aren't brilliant. I don't think I'm clever or artsy. I don't say ambiguous things to make myself feel smarter than others. Right now, I think I'm accomplishing the typed version of "blurting".
I'm gonna be 22 next month. Whhhaaaaaaat? It's not that 22 is old, it's just....where have the past few years gone?
Ha, Drew just found one of my "Goonies" tshirts. Where did they go?
Could everyone please stop having babies? You're making me jealous. (Kidding to the first part. Feel free to keep on having babies, people.)
I should be doing homework right now...
Moving on.
Thank you to all who read my last post and gave me such wonderful feedback. It meant a lot to me. I'm honored whenever God uses my story to encourage anyone in any way. It's all HIM.
I go to quite possibly the best church in the world. Wilow Creek Baptist in Des Moines. The people there are amazing. The pastor is so wonderful. I adore going to church on Sundays. If anyone out there needs a church to go to, please please please, come with me! I guarantee you'll love it too.
It's amazing how awesome things can be when Christians are acting the way they are supposed to.
Side note to my post, "In the beginning..."; I went to FBBC and hated it. People were awful, but not all of them. I was in the best possible dorm. 320 was awesome. I had the best possible dorm mates, the best possible roommate, the best possible room leader (Super Secretary Sarah!), and the best possible RA. Basically everyone in 320 made life livable at Faith.
I'm sure if I sat here for another hour I'd come up with lots more to say. At the moment, I should be getting to my homework, and also, the blurting has made me feel better.
Thank you.
Lauren
Drew and I are cleaning out the closet right now. Mostly my clothes, including prom dresses and multiple formals for other high school occasions. High school didn't seem that long ago till now...
Side note; I think it would be really depressing if back then I had the knowledge of people I do now. For example; being able to look at all of your friends/classmates/whatever, straight in the eye, and know which ones are just going to leave or betray you. I guess it's a good thing time and knowledge works the way it does then, eh?
If "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was possible, I'd totally do that...maybe.
God is good.
It's crazy to think of where I was last year at this time. I was miserable, God-less, and so alone. It's amazing how ever since I turned my life over to God, every detail has changed; jobs, friends, happiness.
I still struggle with trust, though.
And forgiveness. Jessica taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to forget that I was hurt. Sometimes I still feel like I don't understand how to forgive, though. I'd rather forget I was hurt.
I miss my grandmas. How to people just stop living? And whats more, how is time allowed to pass without them?
My thoughts aren't brilliant. I don't think I'm clever or artsy. I don't say ambiguous things to make myself feel smarter than others. Right now, I think I'm accomplishing the typed version of "blurting".
I'm gonna be 22 next month. Whhhaaaaaaat? It's not that 22 is old, it's just....where have the past few years gone?
Ha, Drew just found one of my "Goonies" tshirts. Where did they go?
Could everyone please stop having babies? You're making me jealous. (Kidding to the first part. Feel free to keep on having babies, people.)
I should be doing homework right now...
Moving on.
Thank you to all who read my last post and gave me such wonderful feedback. It meant a lot to me. I'm honored whenever God uses my story to encourage anyone in any way. It's all HIM.
I go to quite possibly the best church in the world. Wilow Creek Baptist in Des Moines. The people there are amazing. The pastor is so wonderful. I adore going to church on Sundays. If anyone out there needs a church to go to, please please please, come with me! I guarantee you'll love it too.
It's amazing how awesome things can be when Christians are acting the way they are supposed to.
Side note to my post, "In the beginning..."; I went to FBBC and hated it. People were awful, but not all of them. I was in the best possible dorm. 320 was awesome. I had the best possible dorm mates, the best possible roommate, the best possible room leader (Super Secretary Sarah!), and the best possible RA. Basically everyone in 320 made life livable at Faith.
I'm sure if I sat here for another hour I'd come up with lots more to say. At the moment, I should be getting to my homework, and also, the blurting has made me feel better.
Thank you.
Lauren
Saturday, November 22, 2008
In the beginning...
This isn't going to be nearly as profound and wonderful as the most famous work that began with the words in my title, but it is my first post, so here I go;
I figure, since, nothing profoundly interesting is going on in my life at this moment, I will begin with kind of a testimony of my life.
I was born in Omaha, Nebraska to a christian family. I have a beautiful mom, Keri, a silly but brilliant dad, Mark, and quite possibly the perfect combination of both plus more, my little sister, Kati.
I went to a k-12 christian school and I grew up in a Bible-believing church (that has since got to pot, but that's a different story). I was saved at vbs when I was around 4 by my Aunt Vickie's mom, Grandma Titus. I was baptized when I was 8.
Although I had many christian influences in my life, I never really had a personal relationship with God growing up. I had some tough junior high years that involved a medical condition that I couldn't help or cure but other kids found it awesome fuel for harassment, depression, anorexia, and suicidal tendencies. One night, while laying in bed, crying uncontrollably, I was finally going to take all of the pills I'd collected from the house over time, but I heard a voice, that I know was from heaven, saying, "This isn't it. I've got more for you." I put the pills down and clung to those words over the next year of hardship. Once I was in high school, things started to get a little better. My medical condition randomly went away, and two wonderful girls befriended me. Things really started to turn around. Come sophomore year, though, I still had a problem; God was not a part of my life. I was an angry, bitter, rude person. I had harbored a lot of hatred in my heart for the people who had tortured me through junior high and it really hardened me. I had some wonderful friends, but I was far from happy. One day, a family friend gave me a book on The Prayer of Jabez. My mom suggested I read a chapter of that every night for devotions. I looked through the book and decided that would be wicked easy because the chapters were only like, a few pages long, and it would be doing that thing that I was supposed to be doing, like homework for God. Easy enough. So I did....and I loved it. I never expected my attitude, heart, life to change so drastically! The 'homework for God' became 'spending time with my wonderful Friend'; something I loved and desired to do.
Fast-forward through the rest of high school; I graduated! Haha. It actually wasn't a surprise. Anyways, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I decided to just attend UNO (the University of Nebraska at Omaha) like the majority of my classmates, and just take gen-eds. Mom and I went over and signed up for classes with a counselor. She printed off my schedule and said "Wow, I've never seen anyone have such a nice schedule before! This is rare, you're lucky!" I was holding back tears. My mom and I got out of the counselors office, I was crying by that point, I said, "Mom, don't give them any money, I can't go here." Mom said, "Lauren! It's ok! You don't have to! What's wrong?" I told her something just didn't feel right and I couldn't go there. She said, "Ok, that's just fine, but where are you going to go?" I blurted without a single thought or hesitation, "I have to go to Faith." (referring to Faith Baptist Bible College in Ankeny, IA, a place I swore I'd never go!) Mom said, "REALLY???!!!!" She was so excited. We both cried and prayed right in the parking lot at UNO. Thus began my journey.
The summer after high school was the BEST summer of my life. I was going to a wonderful Saturday night Bible study with some of my fellow graduates. It was awesome, we learned so much. It was such a spiritual high! I thought, "Man, I bet Faith is like this all day every day! It's gonna be awesome!!!!" I had also began to date quite possibly the most fantastic guy I was convinced God had ever created. He loved God so much and at the time, I thought we'd be together forever, and I wanted that more than anything.
Fast-forward to Faith. Now, just a little info about me; I was the most homesick person you could possibly imagine. I hated taking trips in high school because of it. It was one of the reasons I swore I'd never go to Faith. Anyways, moving in was probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Mom and I were both sick to our stomachs and I was pretty much paralyzed with fear. But I knew I was supposed to be there and God's power would be made perfect through my weakness. My family left after moving me in and there I was, alone. The week that followed was awful. I began to realize that the 'Christians' I was meeting at Faith were nothing like my loving friends back home. I was relying on the support of my boyfriend instead of God. After being at Faith for, what, 6 days? My boyfriend traveled to Ankeny, and broke up with me. A blow I don't even honestly think I could say I'm even over right now. Now I was REALLY alone.
The week that followed was MISERABLE. It's amazing how when your heartbroken, how the littlest tasks are so difficult. My mom told me to take it one step at a time (My mom is wonderful, btw, incredibly supportive. This was around the time that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were getting a divorce and all of those "Team Jennifer" and "Team Angelina" shirts came out. My mom made "Team Lauren" shirts and sent me one at Faith. My best friend ever, Dan, said he wanted one, too. Lol. I love you, Dan!). I would literally be, in the morning getting ready for class, at my make up mirror, saying to myself, "Ok, we're just gonna do mascara now. Ok, now we're gonna do blush." etc. I couldn't handle the thought of "Ok Lauren, do all of your makeup." Don't worry, the goals soon got bigger and I was, as my cousin, Jessica, told me, "functioning" lol. The weekend after the breakup, my wonderful friends surprised me by visiting! I cried and cried, I was so thankful to see friendly faces!!! It was Saturday and we could just hang out! That night was a bbq at a lake that a guy had invited me to (it was his suite-mates bbq....remember that for later :D haha). At the beginning of the bbq, his suite mate gave a speech and asked people to pitch in a few bucks for the meat, etc. I thought, "Oh, crap! They're gonna think I'm so rude! I brought, like, 4 extra people!" I promptly ran up to the suite-mate, who was grilling, and handed him a twenty and said, "Hi! My name is Lauren, I brought some extra people so here's some money for that." He said, "Hi, I'm Drew. Thanks! Nice to meet you, Lauren." (Yep, its THAT Drew. He would later tell me that he had seen me before, but thought I was going to be stuck up because he thought I was so beautiful, and I had impressed him, because I was pretty much the only person to pitch in any money that night! Jerks, right??)
Over the next month or so, Drew and I became friends, talked over instant messenger, etc. I convinced myself he was not interested in me at all, and I, honestly, wanted nothing to do with him! I had just gotten hurt, I didn't want to be again! I literally begged and prayed to God to take this dude away. I didn't need the complications.
One night, after Drew and I hung out at his friends house, we got back to our dorms (lovely Faith curfew), and both hopped on IM (dorky, lol). I was irate. At him, at myself...I had started to like him. I didn't want to!! So why did I??? What kind of mess did I start now???? He imed me and pretty much let him have it. I chewed him out and basically, in so many words, told him to go away and leave because everyone else does and I don't want to deal with it. He told me he'd never leave. I was so mad, I asked him to leave, he wouldn't. I said, "Why??? Why are you here???? Why do you 'care' so much????!?!" He said, "Stay with me, I've got a lot to type and it's gonna take a while." About 20 minutes later, I got a ginormous message saying how he was interested in me as more than a friend (wink wink) and basically saying if I hated him for that and didn't feel the same, that's just fine. I took the leap; I told him I felt the same. "You do?!" He said, haha. We proceeded to talk for about an hour more about how we were going to take things slow and be friends for a ridiculously long time and we were going to be careful and not get hurt, etc. (I've got the whole IM convo saved if anyone is interested, haha!)
Anyways, the details of our relationship are straight out of a love story written by God. I will be happy to elaborate some other time.
Back to Faith; Even with Drew, my year at Faith was awful. I had never met such mean, legalistic, uber-conservative people in my life! I gave up. After that year, I went home to Omaha and decided, "If that is what a Christian is supposed to be, I don't want anything to do with it." I spent the next few years battling with God.
Fast-forward again (as if this post isn't long enough already!), Summer of 2008, both of my Grandma's (I was very close to both) had passed away, I hated Iowa and my job, my marriage was suffering, and because of a drug-side effect disaster which made me unable to work for the first few months of marriage, so were our finances. One particular day, I was sick and throwing up, my boss was, quite rude about it, our car had been repossessed, and one of my oldest friends decided to basically 'break up' with me. I was dying inside again. I called the one person I trusted for help; my cousin, Jessica. We met for coffee soon after. I told her all of the things that were getting me so down and she explained that I needed God again (something I knew, but somehow wasn't ready to admit until that point. Jessica has a wonderful way of saying exactly what needs to be said, some of it hard to hear, but in a way that isn't offensive. She's amazing, if you know her, you know what I mean.). She gave me a book called "Get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore. She was going to study it with me. Again, like the Jabez book from so long ago, I read it, and it changed everything.
We began attending church at Willow Creek Baptist in Des Moines. I'm convinced it is the best church in the world. We've never met such loving, wonderful people. (THIS is what Christians should be like.)
I got a new job! I work for a child development center for Iowa Health. I'm a teachers assistant and I have never loved a job more in my life!!! It was such a blessing from God to receive it. At my job, I've met so many wonderful people. I have amazing co-workers. Specifically, I met Caitlin; who is quite possibly the most remarkable person I've ever met in my life. She's got the coolest story and she's so awesome. She has been such an encouragement to my spiritual walk. And the best thing ever ever ever ever ever???---She just got saved!
God is good. Amazing. Awesome. I can't believe how anyone can think they're 'living' without Him.
So that basically brings us to now. I'm still learning and growing. Things are getting better all the time. I'm not saying that my life is cupcakes and rainbows. But even through the bad times, I've got my Lord and Savior. What else is there?
Thanks for enduring this post.
Love,
Lauren
I figure, since, nothing profoundly interesting is going on in my life at this moment, I will begin with kind of a testimony of my life.
I was born in Omaha, Nebraska to a christian family. I have a beautiful mom, Keri, a silly but brilliant dad, Mark, and quite possibly the perfect combination of both plus more, my little sister, Kati.
I went to a k-12 christian school and I grew up in a Bible-believing church (that has since got to pot, but that's a different story). I was saved at vbs when I was around 4 by my Aunt Vickie's mom, Grandma Titus. I was baptized when I was 8.
Although I had many christian influences in my life, I never really had a personal relationship with God growing up. I had some tough junior high years that involved a medical condition that I couldn't help or cure but other kids found it awesome fuel for harassment, depression, anorexia, and suicidal tendencies. One night, while laying in bed, crying uncontrollably, I was finally going to take all of the pills I'd collected from the house over time, but I heard a voice, that I know was from heaven, saying, "This isn't it. I've got more for you." I put the pills down and clung to those words over the next year of hardship. Once I was in high school, things started to get a little better. My medical condition randomly went away, and two wonderful girls befriended me. Things really started to turn around. Come sophomore year, though, I still had a problem; God was not a part of my life. I was an angry, bitter, rude person. I had harbored a lot of hatred in my heart for the people who had tortured me through junior high and it really hardened me. I had some wonderful friends, but I was far from happy. One day, a family friend gave me a book on The Prayer of Jabez. My mom suggested I read a chapter of that every night for devotions. I looked through the book and decided that would be wicked easy because the chapters were only like, a few pages long, and it would be doing that thing that I was supposed to be doing, like homework for God. Easy enough. So I did....and I loved it. I never expected my attitude, heart, life to change so drastically! The 'homework for God' became 'spending time with my wonderful Friend'; something I loved and desired to do.
Fast-forward through the rest of high school; I graduated! Haha. It actually wasn't a surprise. Anyways, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I decided to just attend UNO (the University of Nebraska at Omaha) like the majority of my classmates, and just take gen-eds. Mom and I went over and signed up for classes with a counselor. She printed off my schedule and said "Wow, I've never seen anyone have such a nice schedule before! This is rare, you're lucky!" I was holding back tears. My mom and I got out of the counselors office, I was crying by that point, I said, "Mom, don't give them any money, I can't go here." Mom said, "Lauren! It's ok! You don't have to! What's wrong?" I told her something just didn't feel right and I couldn't go there. She said, "Ok, that's just fine, but where are you going to go?" I blurted without a single thought or hesitation, "I have to go to Faith." (referring to Faith Baptist Bible College in Ankeny, IA, a place I swore I'd never go!) Mom said, "REALLY???!!!!" She was so excited. We both cried and prayed right in the parking lot at UNO. Thus began my journey.
The summer after high school was the BEST summer of my life. I was going to a wonderful Saturday night Bible study with some of my fellow graduates. It was awesome, we learned so much. It was such a spiritual high! I thought, "Man, I bet Faith is like this all day every day! It's gonna be awesome!!!!" I had also began to date quite possibly the most fantastic guy I was convinced God had ever created. He loved God so much and at the time, I thought we'd be together forever, and I wanted that more than anything.
Fast-forward to Faith. Now, just a little info about me; I was the most homesick person you could possibly imagine. I hated taking trips in high school because of it. It was one of the reasons I swore I'd never go to Faith. Anyways, moving in was probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Mom and I were both sick to our stomachs and I was pretty much paralyzed with fear. But I knew I was supposed to be there and God's power would be made perfect through my weakness. My family left after moving me in and there I was, alone. The week that followed was awful. I began to realize that the 'Christians' I was meeting at Faith were nothing like my loving friends back home. I was relying on the support of my boyfriend instead of God. After being at Faith for, what, 6 days? My boyfriend traveled to Ankeny, and broke up with me. A blow I don't even honestly think I could say I'm even over right now. Now I was REALLY alone.
The week that followed was MISERABLE. It's amazing how when your heartbroken, how the littlest tasks are so difficult. My mom told me to take it one step at a time (My mom is wonderful, btw, incredibly supportive. This was around the time that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were getting a divorce and all of those "Team Jennifer" and "Team Angelina" shirts came out. My mom made "Team Lauren" shirts and sent me one at Faith. My best friend ever, Dan, said he wanted one, too. Lol. I love you, Dan!). I would literally be, in the morning getting ready for class, at my make up mirror, saying to myself, "Ok, we're just gonna do mascara now. Ok, now we're gonna do blush." etc. I couldn't handle the thought of "Ok Lauren, do all of your makeup." Don't worry, the goals soon got bigger and I was, as my cousin, Jessica, told me, "functioning" lol. The weekend after the breakup, my wonderful friends surprised me by visiting! I cried and cried, I was so thankful to see friendly faces!!! It was Saturday and we could just hang out! That night was a bbq at a lake that a guy had invited me to (it was his suite-mates bbq....remember that for later :D haha). At the beginning of the bbq, his suite mate gave a speech and asked people to pitch in a few bucks for the meat, etc. I thought, "Oh, crap! They're gonna think I'm so rude! I brought, like, 4 extra people!" I promptly ran up to the suite-mate, who was grilling, and handed him a twenty and said, "Hi! My name is Lauren, I brought some extra people so here's some money for that." He said, "Hi, I'm Drew. Thanks! Nice to meet you, Lauren." (Yep, its THAT Drew. He would later tell me that he had seen me before, but thought I was going to be stuck up because he thought I was so beautiful, and I had impressed him, because I was pretty much the only person to pitch in any money that night! Jerks, right??)
Over the next month or so, Drew and I became friends, talked over instant messenger, etc. I convinced myself he was not interested in me at all, and I, honestly, wanted nothing to do with him! I had just gotten hurt, I didn't want to be again! I literally begged and prayed to God to take this dude away. I didn't need the complications.
One night, after Drew and I hung out at his friends house, we got back to our dorms (lovely Faith curfew), and both hopped on IM (dorky, lol). I was irate. At him, at myself...I had started to like him. I didn't want to!! So why did I??? What kind of mess did I start now???? He imed me and pretty much let him have it. I chewed him out and basically, in so many words, told him to go away and leave because everyone else does and I don't want to deal with it. He told me he'd never leave. I was so mad, I asked him to leave, he wouldn't. I said, "Why??? Why are you here???? Why do you 'care' so much????!?!" He said, "Stay with me, I've got a lot to type and it's gonna take a while." About 20 minutes later, I got a ginormous message saying how he was interested in me as more than a friend (wink wink) and basically saying if I hated him for that and didn't feel the same, that's just fine. I took the leap; I told him I felt the same. "You do?!" He said, haha. We proceeded to talk for about an hour more about how we were going to take things slow and be friends for a ridiculously long time and we were going to be careful and not get hurt, etc. (I've got the whole IM convo saved if anyone is interested, haha!)
Anyways, the details of our relationship are straight out of a love story written by God. I will be happy to elaborate some other time.
Back to Faith; Even with Drew, my year at Faith was awful. I had never met such mean, legalistic, uber-conservative people in my life! I gave up. After that year, I went home to Omaha and decided, "If that is what a Christian is supposed to be, I don't want anything to do with it." I spent the next few years battling with God.
Fast-forward again (as if this post isn't long enough already!), Summer of 2008, both of my Grandma's (I was very close to both) had passed away, I hated Iowa and my job, my marriage was suffering, and because of a drug-side effect disaster which made me unable to work for the first few months of marriage, so were our finances. One particular day, I was sick and throwing up, my boss was, quite rude about it, our car had been repossessed, and one of my oldest friends decided to basically 'break up' with me. I was dying inside again. I called the one person I trusted for help; my cousin, Jessica. We met for coffee soon after. I told her all of the things that were getting me so down and she explained that I needed God again (something I knew, but somehow wasn't ready to admit until that point. Jessica has a wonderful way of saying exactly what needs to be said, some of it hard to hear, but in a way that isn't offensive. She's amazing, if you know her, you know what I mean.). She gave me a book called "Get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore. She was going to study it with me. Again, like the Jabez book from so long ago, I read it, and it changed everything.
We began attending church at Willow Creek Baptist in Des Moines. I'm convinced it is the best church in the world. We've never met such loving, wonderful people. (THIS is what Christians should be like.)
I got a new job! I work for a child development center for Iowa Health. I'm a teachers assistant and I have never loved a job more in my life!!! It was such a blessing from God to receive it. At my job, I've met so many wonderful people. I have amazing co-workers. Specifically, I met Caitlin; who is quite possibly the most remarkable person I've ever met in my life. She's got the coolest story and she's so awesome. She has been such an encouragement to my spiritual walk. And the best thing ever ever ever ever ever???---She just got saved!
God is good. Amazing. Awesome. I can't believe how anyone can think they're 'living' without Him.
So that basically brings us to now. I'm still learning and growing. Things are getting better all the time. I'm not saying that my life is cupcakes and rainbows. But even through the bad times, I've got my Lord and Savior. What else is there?
Thanks for enduring this post.
Love,
Lauren
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