I feel like a zombie today.

I wrote this a year ago today on my now-deleted myspace blog:


This is basically just my rant right now. I've just got to get it out. I don't care who reads it or what you think of it. All of the thoughts and feelings may not be "Biblically sound" or whatever but I won't apologize.

3-3-08: I have no Grandmas.
It's not fair. I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to fall down and I want to just kick the crap out of someone, anyone, but there is no one to blame.
Sometimes I blame God. I just don't understand how He works. I've been told that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes you may not be able to see the reason right away. I've even been told that sometimes you may never get a reason why some things happen. Freaking "Because I said so"????? I've never been the kind of person to accept that for an answer. I tell myself that my grandmas were just too good, God needed them for Himself because they were just too wonderful. Thats the only logical thing I can think of.
I'm selfish. God, I want them. I'm only 21. I'm not done with them yet!
I never got the chance to show either of them my house.
I never am going to get the chance to show them my children (and for Grandma Simmerman, I'm never going to get the chance to show her that she has a grandaughter that is capable of being a wonderful mother and she can be proud of me for it.) and tell them that I am a great mother because of the things they taught me.
Grandma S: I can never go shopping with you. Do lunch. Tell you how sorry I am that I didn't come to Elm Creek to visit you more. She was so taken for granted. I hate myself for that every day. Grandma, I was never bored at your house, I just hated Annie. I still hate Annie. Everytime I see her, I want to kick her face in for how she's hurt you and grandpa and everyone else who has carried her, bent over backwards, and done everything for her with no thanks in return. I hate her even more for preventing me from visiting you. But I hate myself even more than I hate her because somehow when I got older, other things, stupid things, just suddenly became 'more important'. God, I'm so sorry.

Grandma P: I'm never going to get to cook for you again. I can't ever come ring your doorbell, and have you come watch me shoot hoops in your driveway for 5 minutes. You always acted like I was the most amazing child you've ever seen. I'm never going to hear your stories. I didn't care that I'd heard them the day before, or the day before that. I loved seeing you smile while you told them. I can never show you another pretty dress that I bought and have you say, "OOh! Pretty! But why do you always pick black?"

I'm thankful for the time I've had with you.
But what about Kati? She won't have any Grandmothers at her graduation or wedding. I was fortunate enough to have them at mine. I break down all over again thinking of how Kati won't be blessed with some of the memories I have.

It's just not fair! Grandma S. was WALKING DOWN THE STEPS! Just walking to her car!!! She tripped and broke her leg! Do you know of anyone who has died of complications from a BROKEN LEG???? I do. I hate that I do. Fell on Monday, died on Sunday. It's just so random and stupid. Thats right, stupid. I think God was stupid for taking my Grandma away from us so suddenly. Yes, I am thankful that she wasn't dying of cancer and suffering for months and months. But seriously, how many people in the world just plain heal from a broken leg??? It's not fair, and it's stupid.
Grandma P, why didn't you ever taken your medicine correctly? Sometimes it seemed as if you wanted to just give up and die. WE STILL WANTED YOU. WE STILL NEEDED YOU! Stacie and Jessica are having babies! Babies that are going to miss out on knowing a wonderful Great Grandma. Grandma P didn't suffer either, she just went to sleep. Obviously, that I am thankful for.

My parents don't have moms anymore. How do you deal with that? How do you just "not have a mom" anymore?
I hate it when you cry so much that your sinuses just have so much pressure you feel like your head is going to explode.
I'll probably come back and edit this later, but this is all I can take for now.


A year later, here is my edit:

Not gonna lie, it still hurts. A ton. I've been walking around very distracted all day. I finally broke down tonight. I don't think it's possible to ever stop missing them and hating the fact that they are gone...but it's awful selfish of me.

I still don't know why things went down like they did. But God knows. And I need to trust in His soverignty. Here are some things I can always know for sure in any situation (taken from Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George):

*Nothing will ever happen to you that God does not already know about (Psalm 139:1-4).

* Nothing will ever happen to you that is a mistake (PSalm 139: 4-16).

*Nothing will ever happen that you cannot handle by God's power and grace (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

*Nothing will ever happen to you that will not eventually be used by God for some good purpose in your life (Romans 8:28).

*Nothing will ever happen to you without God's presence (Matthew 28:20).

A year ago today, I lost my very last Grandma. The one I was very close with. But the worst part of that time was that the Lord was not a part of my life at that point. I can feel it in my words, I can remember the darkness. I haven't reached some 'enlightened' point where I'm all Holy or anything of the sort; I, myself, am a disgusting fool. Now, though, I have my Savior.

Thank you, Lord, for your comfort at this time.

Right now, I'm gonna hold onto those verses as tight as I can, and get some sleep.

Goodnight, Grandmas. I love you.