It's amazing how much I've thought, over the years, that if I could only go back in time, I could teach 'past Lauren' a thing or two. "Avoid this, pursue that" type of stuff.
Yeah, I've definitely done some things I'm not proud of at all, but 'past Lauren' reminded me today that there isn't anything that can happen in my life that God won't use for good. She schooled me.
I just got done reading all of my past blog posts. It's so interesting to see how my focus has changed as of late. Well, more like terrible.
My last post discussed the upcoming move back to Omaha. Excited and scared of the uncertainty that awaited us at our new home. Looking back, I wish I was better equipped (emotionally and spiritually) for such a change.
Highs and Lows:
-We have wonderful renters for our house in Des Moines.
-We're way closer to my family.
-Cupcake Island. (If you know it, you understand.)
-Not terribly happy with our living situation.
-I failed to realize that my 'Omaha friends' all moved away.
-I got fat again. (Haha...cupcake island.)
I'm currently working as an infant teacher for Bright Horizons. It is a great job. No job is perfect, but it's a great job. It keeps me quite busy!
I don't do much 'art' anymore for myself. Just not excited or inspired as much anymore.
Drew loves his job so much. He is the best at what he does and he's due to get a big, well-deserved promotion pretty soon. I'm so proud of how hard he works. The downside is that he works A LOT. It's not unusual for him to have a 70 hour work week. Working open to close and beyond. Once he had a 19 hour work day. I can't believe his strength. I'm sure he's so exhausted but he never seems like it! Like a boss.
Unfortunately for us, though, his work schedule leaves me home alone a lot. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me till recently.
Something I probably took for granted in Des Moines were my Christian friends. I'd give anything to have Lisa Nelson Rogan (haha) here every day. What I had, friend-wise, in Des Moines was very rare.
I'd like a Bible study to go to with girls my age. Spiritual connection and growth is what I crave now. I need it.
I lived in Omaha 20 years before Drew and I got married and moved away. Now I'm back and somehow, it seems larger. I feel like a small fish in a big pond. Lost in everything that goes on around me. Unnoticed. It's a day to day struggle to keep swimming. Let's just say that if my life were that "Footprints in the Sand" poem, this scene of my life most definitely has one set of footprints.
Sometimes it feels like I'm back at square one again. I guess the positive side of knowing this is that I know what I have to do. My focus is kaput. My thoughts are trash. My eyes are not on what they should be.
This ends now. I've made mistakes; big and small. Satan knows I don't know how to forgive myself. There is a wonderful song that, lately, has become my 'mantra'.
Jason Gray "I Am New"
Now I won't deny
The worst you could say about me
But I'm not defined
By mistakes that I've made
Because God says of me
I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new
That's just a portion.
Every time I start to hate myself all over again, I think "I am new."
Time has gotten away from me again. I've got to go. I wish I could end by saying that I'm doing great now, but I'm still in this struggle. The good news is that the presence of a struggle means there is a fight going on, and God will win. Even while I'm in this, I'm starting to see God's hand in everyday things and people. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm back from the dead.
This is an opportunity for growth.
I don't know who still reads this, but if you'd pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
The past is the past. I can't get back to the future without letting go of it. Somehow I feel like getting plutonium for a delorian is easier. Hmm.
Love love love,
Lauren
1 comment:
Thinking of you and praying for you. You seemed to have captured my life as well. One breath and day at a time, by dear. I KNOW God has great things in store for you! "Test me in this... and see if I will not throw open the flood gates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10. A daily devotional I go through had this to say today, "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us." Romans 12:6 'It is such a sorrowful waste of energy and spirit to grieve about the person you are not. Ask the Lord to show you how to celebrate the person you are.'" Another verse that encourages me, "So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen,but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18. Struggling with depression I always remind myself that I only have to do my best for the day God has laid out before me--I need only be the best Angie I can be at that given moment. He WILL see you through, Lauren. And if life has taught me anything, it's if we don't have faith, we have nothing. There are many times I question the validity of my existance, but then I remind myself that our God does NOT make mistakes. Our being, our place and situation in life is all a part of his master plan. I cling to this. Desperately cling to this. His eyes are the eyes that matter. And thanks be to God he sees us as masterful works of art, his precious creation... It does not matter how the eyes of the world see me--I will always not be good enough for someone and maybe lots of someone's--but I am always 'good enough' for God. And really, that's all that matters. When we get to heaven, it's going to be all about what Jesus saw in us--nothing else. That motivates me to get up out of bed each day--although hiding under those covers sure sounds good lots of mornings. Hang in there, friend. This world is NOT our home, so we can be expected to experience spiritual struggles, love. Hold on to him for dear life and He WILL carry you. Today, tomorrow, and a year from now is not forever. He will change your situation and he will change you. Blessings and God's peace, girl. Keep up the good fight! It takes the full armor most days =). Prayers always. Love, Angie
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