Gypsy Life

Well my last post ended with, "see you in six months" so I'm only a teeny bit late I guess.

I'm going to be brutally honest...I'm really struggling right now so this post might not be terribly cheery. Here's what has been going on as of late.

It all started in mid-August. Drew's job threw us a total curve ball: please move again. Less than a year after we asked you to move the last time. To a brand-new city that you've never set foot in before. And we're totally going to screw you out of a good relocation package by the way. Enjoy!

So off we went! It was overwhelming and left my mind flooded with questions and emotions.

Why?
Is this really what we're supposed to do?
How is Jude going to handle this?
Was Drew's job actually going to be as great as was promised this time?
How long is this move for?
Where on earth are we going to end up next?
What did Fort Smith mean???

I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I do feel like this move was what God wanted for our family and He's definitely provided for us. Also, Jude has been really resilient and is seemingly adapting well to all of the changes. I was able to find him a new school (although I GREATLY miss his old one in Fort Smith) and a fantastic speech therapist, so I'm incredibly thankful for that! The other questions are a bit harder to deal with....

Drew's job is why we move. Where he goes, I go. Arkansas was supposed to be a wonderful job opportunity for him and it was absolutely not. It was hard for me to see him go through what he did... I mean, unfortunately it's not abnormal to have Drew come home from work looking like a dementor sucked out his soul...but this was supposed to be different. Why were we there if it was only causing more grief? It got so bad that we just knew in our heads and hearts that something big was going to change soon.....and along came Oklahoma. So far it seems like he's happier at his job here. I just hope that continues and even improves more with time! I hate seeing him unhappy.

Our contract in Arkansas was for 18 months. We were there just shy of 12 months. Most people ask how long we will be in Oklahoma...the simple answer is we are in another 18 month contract so we could be here anywhere from another month to another twenty years. Simple enough. Where next? Who knows. If it's up to us: Omaha. Hands down. We want Jude to grow up around family. We are so blessed with a great support system/family in Omaha and we miss it dearly. Sometimes it's hard to be content in our current situation because of what we've had before. We are by no means suffering, but we are basically gypsies that would like a place to finally call home...and to actually LIVE THERE.

When we were preparing to move to Arkansas, I was full of hope and faith that God had something huge planned for us. I dreamed of the awesome new friends I'd make and the people I'd help by being a great friend/listener/encourager/helper/whatever. Maybe I expected too much, but I was severely let down. Don't get me wrong: I definitely met some wonderful friends who I hope remain a big part of my life forever, but I also met some people I wish I hadn't haha. I look back on our time and think, "I don't get it?" What was it for? A test? A trial? I wanted to make an impact, and to be honest, I left feeling like I didn't matter at all. I don't understand all of the 'whys' of Fort Smith yet and maybe I never will. I cling to one thing though that honestly made all of the pain I went through worth it:

I had dinner with one of my best friends in Arkansas and we bawled our eyes out in that back booth of a diner expressing our feelings about my time here. She knew how worthless I felt and gave me the best compliment I think I've ever received in my entire life. She said I'd helped her get through hard times that she didn't think she could have survived without me. She said I helped make her strong. She said I taught her to stand up for herself.
She was probably the first person I knew that genuinely made me feel worth something. I'm not saying these things to toot my own horn, but those words meant more to me that she'll probably ever know. Words said crying over a big bowl of green bean fries :).

So now we're here in Edmond, Oklahoma. The area is about the size of Omaha but it just feels so big right now. We're starting over.........again. I poured my whole self into Fort Smith, AR trying to make it feel like home. Right now, its hard to muster up the energy to do it all over again...especially since I have no idea how long we'll be here. It's hard to live in a place and feel so invisible. Things take time, I know. It took me living in Arkansas for about seven months before I found "my people." Praying to find some good people here as well. I know I'm an odd person, but somehow I just feel even more out of place here right off the bat. It's a much larger city..."my people" may be harder to find. We are EXTREMELY  blessed to know some wonderful families that live in the area already. That's more than we had starting out in Arkansas! I think what will make a huge difference is when we find our church/small group "home" here. The trick is coming up with enough emotional energy to do so.

Sorry if this was negative. I don't really need clichés right now, just prayer and encouragement. I'm sure my next post will tell of great improvements to our lives here in Oklahoma. I know there's all the potential in the world.

Thanks for reading.
Lauren