Bohemian Nursery: the story of Freddie Mark

It has literally been years since my last blog post- boy have our worlds changed! I find myself once again wanting to preserve precious memories before I forget all the little details I love so much.
Here is the story of our sweet miracle, Freddie:

Wednesday, February 20, 2019: Drew is away on business, Jude's birthday is tomorrow, and I just peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. I was feeling overwhelmed, excited, nervous- all of the things! I couldn't believe it... and almost didn't want to- it was too good to be true. We tried for years for Jude, this only took a few months! I called Drew, my mom, and then the doctor.

With Jude, my doctor in Nebraska had me come in right away to test my HCG levels and then again a few days later to make sure the levels had doubled. When my doctors office here called me back, I asked if I could come in to get the HCG levels tested and they said come on in!
Easy-peasy: I went in, got tested, and they called back and said levels looked great and to come back Friday. The next few days were spent celebrating Jude's birthday, preparing for his party that Saturday, and going back and forth between feeling excited and nervous about the new baby.

Friday, February 22: I went in to the doctor to get the HCG levels rechecked first thing in the morning, then spent the rest of the day palling around with Drew and watching The Profit (Drew had the rare day off and Marcus Lemonis was calling!). It was time to get Jude from school so Drew went to pick him up. Around 4:00pm I get the call from my doctors office: from the nurses tone I could tell she was about to give me bad news.

"The levels did not double. We will need you to come in Monday to double check but this is most likely an 'abnormal pregnancy' (code for not viable- chemical pregnancy or miscarriage)."

I was devastated and in shock. Drew got home with Jude just as I got off the phone with the nurse. I burst into tears as I told him the news and did not stop crying for the rest of the night. Crying increased to sobbing in the fetal position in my bed.
I cried harder than I ever have in my life. I don't even think what I did that night could even be called 'functioning'. My sister asked what the levels were because maybe they ALMOST doubled but the doctor was just being safe. We got online to look at my medical records and discovered that the levels had only gone up by 20 - not even close. Even all these months later, I remember the pain of that long night.

The next morning I felt like my heart had been completely removed. I wavered between feeling dead and feeling devastated. I called a dear friend who had experienced miscarriage and just sort of asked her what to expect. She gave me such incredible love and support and answered all of my questions. She is truly one of the strongest women I know- as are any and all of you who have experienced miscarriage.

Jude's birthday party was later that day and I'm honestly not sure how I got through it. I still couldn't tell you who all showed up from his school because I was so out of it. I probably made a horrible and unfriendly first impression to many parents but I could barely speak, let alone carry on full-on 'get to know you' conversations. When everyone left, I remained in the party room with two of my best friends and I just broke down to them. The sadness I felt built up and I exploded with tears- I had spent the morning waiting and wondering, "Will it happen this morning? Am I going start bleeding at my sons birthday party?" They listened and hurt right along with me. After the party we went out to eat all together at Charlestons and they helped me feel slightly more human again.
*I cannot stress enough how important it was to me to have such amazing friends during this time. Lisa, Meagon, and Nicole: You are life-changers.*

Sunday was more of the same. I just couldn't bring myself to go to church and see people, so I stayed home and watched the service on my laptop while I took a bath. I'd barely eaten anything the past few days and for some reason, I felt the strength to eat a little that morning.

Something hit me and I realized that I still had the baby at that moment, and decided the baby was going to get some of it's brothers birthday cake.

I spent the morning in the bathtub, eating birthday cake and singing songs of worship with the venue praise team as tears constantly flowed down my face.
That night was the Oscars and I had a viewing party already scheduled because I so desperately wanted Lady Gaga to win best actress for A Star Is Born (btw, I'll get to talking about stars later).
I spent the party just basically waiting and dreading the appointment I had to face the next morning.

Monday, February 25: I did my best to get ready for the day, constantly praying for comfort and peace. I went into the kitchen only to find that my dear friend, Meagon, had snuck an encouraging card there right before she left the night before- girl, you have no idea how much that meant to me.
As I drove to the doctors office, I knew what I was about to face. I just wanted to be in and out- I didn't have an appointment, they told me to come in first thing and they'd do the blood work and call with the results later.

One thing I knew: I did NOT want to cry in there.
I prayed the whole drive, "Please Lord, don't let me cry in the doctors office. I don't want people to see me."
For some reason I just felt embarrassed and I didn't want any sort of attention. If I could've made myself invisible I probably would have.

In the past when I've prayed that I wouldn't cry in a situation (I'm a BIG time crier), I couldn't cry if I tried. I knew God was holding my head high and keeping my eyes dry!
This time was different. I parked in the lot and immediately burst into tears. I made one more plea to God to dry me up, composed myself as best I could, and walked into the building.
When it was my turn to go to the blood work guy, I sat down in his chair and he immediately remembered me.

Brief aside: I love this guy. He reminds me of my dad- just kind of sarcastic and dry with the perfect amount of 'grouch'. You know- the kind of 'grouch' that isn't mean, just adorable? At my first blood work appointment, he made fun of my black and white boots and said they looked like skunks. This guy makes me smile.

Anyway, he remembered me.
He goes, "You just had the HCG test- how'd the last one go?"
"Not good." I said and the waterworks started.
Crap.
Now I'm crying in public.
In the doctors office.
In front of medical professionals and strangers.

"Oooooh boy, me and my big mouth!" the man said as he nervously popped his head into the hallway and then said to someone, "Is Stacy (my doctors NP) available????"
"No, she's with a patient, what's going on?"
"Uh, this girl...."(gestures to me)
*nurse walks in and comes right to my side*
"What's wrong sweetie?" she asked.
"I'm going to loose my baby." I managed to get out through sobs.
I then told her what was going on and she wrapped her arms around me and said, "Oh honey! I'm so sorry!!! We've all been through that, too.... it's so hard. I'm going to be praying for you!!!!"
Instantly I felt a bit of comfort wash over me.

He took my blood, and I thanked them both for their kindness.
Just as I was grabbing my coat, another woman came into the room and said, "You guys needed me?"
It was Stacy. I hadn't met her before that day.
They told her my situation and she said, "Here, let's go find a room."

We went into an empty exam room and she looked up my chart. For the next 20 minutes, Stacy answered all of my questions and told me what to expect in a miscarriage.
She was honest- didn't sugar coat or give me 'false hope'. She was so kind and comforting.
She let me know everything was going to be ok.

I left feeling I'd just received a hug from Jesus. I had gone in feeling like my life was over (however irrational that sounds), and left feeling like I had hope. This miscarriage was going to suck, I didn't want it obviously- but now I felt prepared...and like I had a team of people who had my back.

Think about it: if I had gone in like I wanted to- dry eyes, in and out- I would have never experienced the kindness and comfort of the medical staff.
In my car I teared up and just prayed, "God, You showed up. Thank you."
That's why He let me cry. I know it.
Knowing that God cared enough to comfort me in such a physical and tangible way helped me feel like I could get through this. I knew it would still be hard and devastating at times, but I'd be ok.

I went through my day with peace. Still sad, but improving. I waited to get 'the call' to let me know the next steps of the process. It was a long day. I picked Jude up from school and just waited some more. I knew the office closed at 5:00pm so I only had a few more hours to wait.
Then my phone rang. I took a deep breath and answered.
"Is this Lauren?"
"Yes."
"Hi! So everything looks great! The levels doubled so it's all good!"

......

"Wait, what? Um...what? I'm sorry, what? *heh* What? Sorry..so I just...what??" (Repeat that a few times) "I'm sorry....I was just not expecting that. I just spent like 20 minutes talking to Stacy today and she was preparing me for a miscarriage."
Then she said something I'll NEVER forget...
"Well, prepare for the opposite!"

We made plans for me to have follow up appointments and then hung up.
I could NOT believe it. The joy and shock were overwhelming.
Through happy tears, I looked up and said, "God....wow. You showed me Your goodness already, I knew You were good even with the bad that was happening. I don't deserve this. You didn't have to, but You did this..... wow. Thank you."
*Note: they said beforehand that tests can be wrong and that's why they were double checking. I believe the miracle is in those numbers, because the test was not wrong. My levels on Monday hadn't doubled from the past Wednesday, they doubled from Friday. My heart knows I received a miracle.*

I called my mom and texted my few closest friends who knew and immediately Nicole calls me and is ecstatic. I told her I was so happy and in shock and I felt like my world had just turned upside down... then I said (because we're both fans of Stranger Things), "I'm in the Upside-down!!"
To which she replied, "You've got a little demogorgon in there!!"

Later that night, we both took our sons to t-ball practice together where we met a woman who, when I told her my sons name was Jude, told us that she had a son named Revelation. Nicole turns to me and adorably says, "Uh...did she just name your next child?!"
Thus, this little baby was dubbed Revelation Demogorgon (or little RD for short).

The next few weeks were filled with ultrasounds to keep an eye on the progression of baby RD. It was nerve wracking every time but baby was always doing well....in the beginning he was measuring a tad small though (which is amusing now).
We had SO many ultrasounds. Before the big anatomy scan, we had one that had us starting to prepare for a little baby girl! I was excited because I was going to name her after a dear family friend who had passed away the previous year.

Anatomy scan: it's a boy!

Once again, "prepare for the opposite"!
Initially, I had a hard time switching over from 'girl' to 'boy' in my brain, but mostly because I was so proud to name 'her' after our friend, and I had NO clue what to name a boy.
We had Jude's name picked out for years! I felt like a bad mom somehow that I didn't have a name so I didn't know 'who' he was.

In terms of names, I like different, but not crazy. Meaningful. Inspiring.
It took us a while, but I think we nailed it.
Little RD became Freddie Mark (Mark, after my dad <3 p="">
Jude had a hard time with the news for a bit, too. He wanted a sister so badly and was even chanting "I want my girl!" as we were heading to the back yard for the confetti cannon gender reveal he had requested. Blue confetti exploded everywhere and Jude's heart shattered...he burst into tears and didn't stop crying for about 20 minutes. We were trying to help him process his feelings and we asked him why he wanted a sister and he burst out,
"Because some boys are mean and some boys are nice but all girls are nice to me!"
Drew asked him, "Jude, do you think a brother will be mean to you?"
His big blue eyes, still filled with tears, looked up at us and he nodded.
We assured him that his brother is going to love him more than he loves anyone! Once he heard that he felt happy about having a baby brother.

At 30 weeks we had another anatomy scan (something we didn't do with Jude, but is standard now I guess?). Going in I was like, "I swear, if we get another 'opposite' and he's a girl, Imma be upset!" haha.
Well anyway, Freddie was still Freddie, but he was measuring big (ironic because he had measured small before and I prayed that he'd be ok- God showed us! haha!) and the fluid around him was greater than normal. The doctor said it could mean anything from he pees a lot to he has a chromosomal disorder or the extra fluid could cause fetal death.
Drew heard one end of the spectrum, I heard the other. Cue my worrying tears. We had to do another ultrasound at 35w to make sure everything was ok. It was the same (too much fluid), so we had to do non-stress tests every week until delivery to make sure everything was ok.
(Non-stress tests are comprised of being hooked up to a heart monitor for about a half hour to make sure Freddie's heart was behaving appropriately, followed by another anatomy scan type ultrasound.)

Because of all of that, I chose to be induced as soon as I could. This kiddo had given me many scares- I needed him out of me so I didn't worry about what was going on inside me, haha.
Plus, at the last non-stress test ultrasound, they measured him to be almost 10lbs....so yeah.

We were scheduled for induction on October 22- 39weeks on the dot. The night before we thought my water may have broken (I was induced with Jude as well so the spontaneous water breaking thing is unfamiliar to us) so we went in to check and, nope, it hadn't. I had apparently just sat in something wet outside- it sounds silly now, but I was so ready to go I think I was reading into anything I could.

When we went in that night, they said to call ahead in the morning to make sure they had a room for me so I didn't have to wait in the lobby for six hours or something. They had apparently been overrun with births as of late and often were out of rooms. I asked if it's possible we wouldn't even be seen on our scheduled day and they said it was definitely possible. Me and my hormones were not happy with that answer to say the least.
Don't show me the finish line and then move the finish line!
Anyway, crankiness ensued.

On the morning of the 22nd, I got ready and had Drew call the hospital because I was pretty sure if they told me to wait, I might not have been so kind to the nurse who absolutely didn't deserve my hormonal wrath.
I can't tell you how overjoyed I was to hear Drew on the phone with the nurse saying, "You do? Great! We'll see you soon!"
Hallelujah here we go!

From 7:00am on, we spent the day watching Great British Bake Off while I got pumped with amazing drugs. The nurse would check to see how things were progressing every hour, and each time, it went up a centimeter.
I was at a 6 when Drew started to get hungry and told me after the next check, he would leave and grab some food. I was like, "Babe just go now! I'm still 4cm away....he's not going to go 6 to 10."
A few minutes later the nurse walked in to check me and announced, "Alright, you're at a 10! Ready to go!"
It's the first time Drew not listening to me was a good thing (hahahaha).

While we were waiting for the doctor, the nurse checked Freddie's position and discovered he was facing upward. They were going to need to flip him to face downward and her first idea was for me get on all fours, because a lot of times the baby will just flip on their own when that happens.

Y'all...when I say my epidural was good.....it was GOOD.
I was dead from the waist down.
This idea....well....

So we're attempting this all fours thing and I managed to get my upper half turned around and tried with all my might to bring the lower half with me. The nurse was helping me turn over and for some reason my brain thought 'we did it! I'm successfully on all fours!'. I looked down only to discover my legs were not where I thought they were, but were, in fact, so far to my left side that they may as well have been attached to someone else.
It didn't hurt....it also didn't work...but it was hilarious, so I guess that's something.

They flipped me back over and when the doctor arrived, she flipped Freddie no problem and on we went. Time to push.
I apparently impressed the doctor with my pushing abilities because she kept saying how amazing I was at it. Again: dead from the waist down- "Thanks! I'll just take your word for it!"
I was pushing so hard I needed oxygen between contractions....I just wanted this boy in my arms!
Luckily, this didn't last long at all: I pushed through three contractions and he was here!

2:56pm: I finally got to hold my beautiful, 9lb 4oz, 21.5in long baby boy.
My living, breathing, beautiful miracle.
Best day ever.

Here are some treasured photos Drew and I took at the hospital:

Now, about those stars...
"A Star Is Born" is an amazing and perfect film (that I never want to see again) that had come out the previous fall, and for some reason when we were trying to get pregnant, thinking of a baby always made me think 'a star is born'. Not like star as in 'celebrity'.... I don't know exactly how to describe it, but just the symbol of a star stuck with me and spoke to me. Whenever I needed uplifting, stars would just 'show up'.... go ahead and think I'm crazy, but I think this is how God works sometimes.
For example: the very first time was the Sunday before I found out I was pregnant. I knew the upcoming week would give me an answer one way or the other. As we were in church singing, the lights from the stage were projecting onto the ceiling above us. They're usually just circles, but that day... they were stars. That was just the beginning.
To me, stars represent God's love and protection for me and this little boy. Freddie has many star print items as a constant reminder of this.


Today, as I'm writing this, I'm surrounded by Christmas decorations and I can't help but think of my (as a mom) favorite part of the story of Jesus' birth:

Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

I have so many treasured things in my heart from this whole experience. Freddie's existence has already made such an impact in my life. That first lesson of "prepare for the opposite" really struck me. I tend to be a worrier, and if I don't have anything to worry about, I'll find something or make something up haha.
The other day Drew told me on average we all have good things happen to us about 90% of the time, but we spend 90% of our time worrying about the other 10%.
That really stuck with me because what I thought I was doing (or rather, the way I justified what I was doing) by worry all the time was preparing myself for anything and everything. I expected the worst because somehow that'd mean I'd never be disappointed. Lately I've realized my 'preparing' is only robbing the '90% good.' And yes, bad things may come...but will worrying ever actually prepare me for them?

Prepare for the opposite started to mean accept the good, expect the good, and look for the good.
Live a life of gratitude, not worry-- this is something I'm working on, and hopefully it'll become natural to me more and more each day.
I'm thankful to have Freddie, my star and physical reminder of how good the opposite can be.

Like I said at the beginning of the post, I see writing this as pondering and preserving my treasured memories. I look at things like this as kind of like a scrapbook I can take with me via my phone or computer and be reminded of each passing anniversary.
My children are my treasures and my legacy and I want them to always have plenty of evidence of my love for them wherever they are....even when they're off at college or with their wives in their own houses and Drew and I are on a beach somewhere relaxing :).

I love you, Freddie Mark.
You are so precious.
You are so important.
You are going to do great things.

God Loves Spiderman

Hey people. Just thought I'd give another update in my life.
Get ready for a hot mess.

Yesterday was Sunday, and aside from being my beautiful sons third birthday (how did that happen so fast?!?!), it was a challenging day at church.

Something that has changed since my last post is that we have found a church that we absolutely love. We are still trying to get connected on a deeper level with people/ministries/etc. but I'm sure that'll come. It still royally sucks to be the new kid.

First thing that struck me yesterday came from our church service. The sermon was incredibly powerful and moved me to tears a few times (granted, these days, that isn't difficult to do, but the sermon was amazing!). One such time was because of something incredibly simple, and some might say cliché; at the end of the message, the pastor had everyone close their eyes and meditate on this:

God. Loves. YOU.
Every part of you.
You cannot go anywhere to escape His love.
God. Loves. You.

Of all the things to strike me, that did it. I sing "Jesus Loves Me" with my son every night before bed. I know the words...most people do. God loves me? Full disclosure: I don't know that I really truly believe it wholeheartedly. Especially when I feel, for lack of better words, abandoned and forgotten.

I'll come back to this thought but now I want to touch on the second thing that struck me.
This came from our Sunday school class.

The teacher spoke on what I affectionately call "The Spiderman Verse" of the bible.

Luke 12:48b "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand more."

Get it? Spiderman? "With great power comes great responsibility."

In class we discussed the things that God has blessed us with and the responsibility that comes along with those things.
- Children = caring/nurturing/providing/loving/etc.
- Jobs = hard work/discipline/responsibility/etc.
- Health = taking good care of our bodies

The teacher brought up deeper blessings, but the one that stood out to me was the last point:

Faith.
Our faith is a blessing from God and it doesn't matter what that looks like from person to person (i.e. Matthew 17:20 -mustard seed), He uses what we have.

I thought of another 'branch on the blessing/faith tree' if you will: trials.

I've believed from a fairly young age that the hardships I've gone through in my life weren't just to ultimately benefit myself, but to hopefully help others as well. Simply put, my struggles in marriage, infertility, weight, depression, and MOVING ALL THE STINKIN TIME must be for more than I even know. Those are the blessings.

I believe my responsibility is to just say something. To be reasonably transparent in my trials and hurts to hopefully benefit someone who might be hurting in the same way.

There you go. If you know me personally, I'm pretty much an open book. I learned too late in life that giving the appearance of "perfection" and "everything is awesome!!!" benefits absolutely nobody...especially myself. Now I don't shut up. God has given me strength in my vulnerability.

So here it is: I'm definitely struggling. IN NO WAY to I think I have it rougher than anyone in the history of man. As difficult as things are, I thank God for the problems I have. It could be so much worse. On the flip side of that, I think Satan tries to tell me that my problems are so small compared to what others are dealing with, speaking up for the purpose of possibly helping someone is just foolish. Maybe I will come off as whiny or pathetic, but maybe someone who just happens to endure my posts can feel they are not alone.

I went to a K-12 private Christian school. I never had to be the 'new kid' until college. THAT went well (extreme sarcasm intended). I never moved growing up - my parents still live in the same house I grew up in. I didn't leave that house until I got married. Marriage has brought many moves. My husband and I have lived in five different homes in four states in the eight and a half years we've been married. The place we lived prior to this only lasted 11 months. I have no idea how long we will live here. I have completely jumped off of the cliff labeled "COMFORT ZONE" into the river of "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON". I'm an introvert that now has to be an extrovert. A perfect job for someone who gets anxiety when the pastor announces that the time has come in the service to stand up and greet everyone around you. I usually feign convenient thirst and proceed to 'greet' my water bottle at that time.

One of the hardest parts of being an introvert wearing the costume of an extrovert is just one of the facts of life: you will face rejection more often than not. That only makes it harder to keep up the energy required of extroverts...especially after almost a year and a half of rejection after rejection.

That's where I am now. Feeling rejected. Forgotten. Abandoned. Homeless. Too different to be loved or accepted. Not worth the time to be listened to. Too tired to try so hard anymore.

I'll confess, sometimes my prayers are just two tear-soaked lines.
"God, I don't understand this. I just want to go home."

Is it so wrong for me to have the desires of my heart? To want my son to grow up around family? To have stability???? Is stability so wrong?! Why is it that I have to feel as though life happens TO me?

It's easy to jump to the conclusion that my wants don't matter. I'm just a rag doll waiting to be tossed onto a different shelf.

Clichés don't help.
If someone stabbed you in the arm, smiled, and said, "Everything happens for a reason! Praying for you!" and walked away, how would you feel? God knows I've said that before (not after a stabbing, obviously), but I do try to be more intentional and conscientious of what I say to hurting people now. And don't get me wrong: prayer is wonderful and much appreciated! Sometimes I feel that the phrase "I'm praying for you!" can mean as little as "I don't know what else to say but I think as a Christian I'm supposed to say this. BYE!"

Yesterday, though. Simplicity was exactly what I needed to hear.

God loves me? Even though my faith is so small right now? Even though I'm frustrated and even angry at times? Even all the way down here in Oklahoma?

It was a much needed reminder that He didn't lose me or forget me, and, in spite of my sin and not being 'perfect'... He loves me anyway.

He. Loves. ME.

Thank you for letting me have a voice.
Lauren

Gypsy Life

Well my last post ended with, "see you in six months" so I'm only a teeny bit late I guess.

I'm going to be brutally honest...I'm really struggling right now so this post might not be terribly cheery. Here's what has been going on as of late.

It all started in mid-August. Drew's job threw us a total curve ball: please move again. Less than a year after we asked you to move the last time. To a brand-new city that you've never set foot in before. And we're totally going to screw you out of a good relocation package by the way. Enjoy!

So off we went! It was overwhelming and left my mind flooded with questions and emotions.

Why?
Is this really what we're supposed to do?
How is Jude going to handle this?
Was Drew's job actually going to be as great as was promised this time?
How long is this move for?
Where on earth are we going to end up next?
What did Fort Smith mean???

I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I do feel like this move was what God wanted for our family and He's definitely provided for us. Also, Jude has been really resilient and is seemingly adapting well to all of the changes. I was able to find him a new school (although I GREATLY miss his old one in Fort Smith) and a fantastic speech therapist, so I'm incredibly thankful for that! The other questions are a bit harder to deal with....

Drew's job is why we move. Where he goes, I go. Arkansas was supposed to be a wonderful job opportunity for him and it was absolutely not. It was hard for me to see him go through what he did... I mean, unfortunately it's not abnormal to have Drew come home from work looking like a dementor sucked out his soul...but this was supposed to be different. Why were we there if it was only causing more grief? It got so bad that we just knew in our heads and hearts that something big was going to change soon.....and along came Oklahoma. So far it seems like he's happier at his job here. I just hope that continues and even improves more with time! I hate seeing him unhappy.

Our contract in Arkansas was for 18 months. We were there just shy of 12 months. Most people ask how long we will be in Oklahoma...the simple answer is we are in another 18 month contract so we could be here anywhere from another month to another twenty years. Simple enough. Where next? Who knows. If it's up to us: Omaha. Hands down. We want Jude to grow up around family. We are so blessed with a great support system/family in Omaha and we miss it dearly. Sometimes it's hard to be content in our current situation because of what we've had before. We are by no means suffering, but we are basically gypsies that would like a place to finally call home...and to actually LIVE THERE.

When we were preparing to move to Arkansas, I was full of hope and faith that God had something huge planned for us. I dreamed of the awesome new friends I'd make and the people I'd help by being a great friend/listener/encourager/helper/whatever. Maybe I expected too much, but I was severely let down. Don't get me wrong: I definitely met some wonderful friends who I hope remain a big part of my life forever, but I also met some people I wish I hadn't haha. I look back on our time and think, "I don't get it?" What was it for? A test? A trial? I wanted to make an impact, and to be honest, I left feeling like I didn't matter at all. I don't understand all of the 'whys' of Fort Smith yet and maybe I never will. I cling to one thing though that honestly made all of the pain I went through worth it:

I had dinner with one of my best friends in Arkansas and we bawled our eyes out in that back booth of a diner expressing our feelings about my time here. She knew how worthless I felt and gave me the best compliment I think I've ever received in my entire life. She said I'd helped her get through hard times that she didn't think she could have survived without me. She said I helped make her strong. She said I taught her to stand up for herself.
She was probably the first person I knew that genuinely made me feel worth something. I'm not saying these things to toot my own horn, but those words meant more to me that she'll probably ever know. Words said crying over a big bowl of green bean fries :).

So now we're here in Edmond, Oklahoma. The area is about the size of Omaha but it just feels so big right now. We're starting over.........again. I poured my whole self into Fort Smith, AR trying to make it feel like home. Right now, its hard to muster up the energy to do it all over again...especially since I have no idea how long we'll be here. It's hard to live in a place and feel so invisible. Things take time, I know. It took me living in Arkansas for about seven months before I found "my people." Praying to find some good people here as well. I know I'm an odd person, but somehow I just feel even more out of place here right off the bat. It's a much larger city..."my people" may be harder to find. We are EXTREMELY  blessed to know some wonderful families that live in the area already. That's more than we had starting out in Arkansas! I think what will make a huge difference is when we find our church/small group "home" here. The trick is coming up with enough emotional energy to do so.

Sorry if this was negative. I don't really need clichés right now, just prayer and encouragement. I'm sure my next post will tell of great improvements to our lives here in Oklahoma. I know there's all the potential in the world.

Thanks for reading.
Lauren

In like a Lion

It's March! We are officially in our sixth month of living in Arkansas.

18 months:

1/3 down

2/3 to go

All of the sudden the weather decided to be a bit crap (the one thing Arkansas had going for them ;D), but it'll pass and I'm sure we'll soon be in sweltering heat. I'm so ready to take advantage of our pool!!!

Things are improving, slowly but surely. At this rate I'll be blissfully happy by the time we are called to leave. That's how life works, right? Haha. 

Jude is two now!!! Can you believe it? He is going to daycare two days a week and that has been awesome for both of us! I'm really hoping that being around other children more frequently will help Jude's vocabulary. He doesn't speak much. He prefers signing apparently, which isn't working for us anymore seeing as how I've exhausted all of my signing knowledge on him and the words "more", "please", and "all done" won't get him too far in life. We've already noticed an improvement in his speech since he started daycare a month ago. I'm sure once he starts I'll be wishing he'd be quiet just for even a minute. Again, that's how life works, right?

Drew is quite busy with his jobs at Biomat and Maverick. His workload is substantial but his schedule, for the most part, has never been better. Until we moved, it was HIGHLY unusual for Drew to have dinner at home. Now he's home almost every night. Love it! Not surprisingly, the center in AR has thrived under Drew's leadership. Duh! My man can do anything. So proud of him. 

Then there's little old me. 

I've never tried so many different things in my entire life. If there's a meeting/church group - I go to it. If there's a party - I'm usually there. I've joined MOPS, I teach cubbies, and I try to get involved in any church activities I can. I'm finding that I really enjoy it! As a textbook introvert, it can get exhausting, but I think God is helping to sustain me! 

The process of 'fitting in' isn't easy. I'm not interested in changing who I am for anyone except God. 

I like me (most of me haha) and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's the 'refining process' that is a challenge. In trying 'everything' it's only natural to have a bad 'fit' or experience. Boy is that true. I must exhude 'crazy' because that just seems to be the thing that finds me. I've got story after story of things I've experienced that are nothing short of soap opera drama. It's to the point that I just have to laugh. 

It can be tough at times. Making new friends, finding out people weren't who you thought they were, hoping the people you've left behind aren't forgetting you. Like I said, it's a refining process. 

Pressure makes diamonds. Quality stays. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know people better and hopefully forming some strong, lasting relationships. I definitely feel like God is placing certain people in my life for this. 

In times of disappointment and frustration I remind myself that every person in my life was put there by God for whatever reason.....and I'm in their lives for His purpose, too. I've come to the realization that instead of worrying so much about what to do/say/be, I need to just pray that I'm whatever God wants me to be in people's lives. 

If you know me well, you know I'm a skosh 'different'. That wasn't an accident. God made me that way because He has a purpose for my life. That's what I want. His purpose. 

That's how life should work, right?

Talk to you in six months. 

Lauren

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Well, I think this is officially the week that everyone has already bailed on their New Years resolutions. 

You know I'm right. Calendar production companies should just go ahead and write that on in. 

Typically I don't make New Years resolutions because I know me: probably not gonna follow thru. 

It's like a diet. I don't believe in diets. I believe in lifestyle changes. Think of it this way: changing something so drastically to accomplish a 'small' goal you may have might be a quick way to reach the goal, but if you can't live with the changes forever, you will ultimately be unsuccessful in your journey. 

Also, pick something that actually matters to you. Yeah it might be nice for some to look great in a bikini, but will that matter to you in 20, 40, or 60 years? 

(Totally not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. And if you're rocking your bikini, good for you!!! Just saying, that's not me.)

Last week in our Sunday school class, our teacher spoke on a topic that really hit home to me and I decided I officially needed to make a lifestyle change now more than ever. 

He spoke on love vs. hate. 

Is it easier to love or hate? 

I know my answer. Now for my confession:

I hate Ft. Smith, Arkansas. 

Let me get out my negative rant first:

We were happy in Omaha. We loved it there. My family is there. Our friends are there. I felt loved and needed there. THERE WAS STUFF TO DO!!!

Southern charm is definitely a thing, but it's fake. It's extremely difficult to get past the friendly veneer to the genuine person sometimes. Ft. Smith is a tough town if you're the new kid. People have their established groups. Not much room for new or different. This isn't true of everyone, but a decent majority. 

My first experiences here were very negative and hurtful.  I'm wounded and quite frankly, I'd like to just give up on trying. 

How is that better though?

My second confession might be more shocking than the first:

I haven't regretted moving here for a second. 

We knew for a fact that God wanted us to move here, so we did. I cling to that every day. 

If God wanted us here, it wasn't random. He has a purpose for us here. 

Call me crazy but I think it's safe to say that God didn't intend for me to just keep my living room couch company all day. 

That means I've gotta try... which means I've gotta love. 

It's my choice. I can see this for what it is- an opportunity- and choose to NOT waste it. 

I will make a conscious effort every day to "put on love" ( Col. 3:14) even if it means I might get hurt again. People always disappoint. God doesn't. I'm listening to Him now. 

I will try to get plugged in to groups at church that I enjoy and hopefully, while growing closer to God, make some great friends in the process. 

I actually have a lot of love to give. Now I'm going to. 

I don't enjoy this negativity I've felt here! I love to love, give, serve, and help!!! 

I'm praying for more opportunities to do those things :). 

In summation, my life change goal is this: 

LOVE Ft. Smith. 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Sincerely Yours, The Breakfast Club

Well, the Schneider family is officially living in Arkansas....there's something I never thought I'd say!

Here's a little update on how things have been going for us since our big move a month ago:


For some reason, at the very beginning of the year I felt as though God had some sort of 'trial' or 'difficult learning experience' for us this year. Being the hypochondriac I am, I immediately assumed it meant cancer and death for me. Thankfully, so far at least, those things have not been in the picture. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, and I definitely would not trade our problems for anyone else's, but I had no idea how difficult this year would be. I especially didn't think Arkansas would be this years' antagonist!

As you may know, Drew has been traveling back and forth to Arkansas since April of this year. This was completely out of left field. It isn't something we asked for; it isn't something we wanted. Nevertheless, it happened. Drew was gone more than he was home every month. It was very hard on Jude; he started getting really clingy and having complete breakdowns if Drew or I even just left the room. It was very hard on me in just about every way possible. If it weren't for my parents, sister, friends, and Jude's babysitter, I'm pretty sure I would have lost it. I admit, I definitely had a few breakdowns. Tears were a recurring theme this year. We attended a church near the air force base in Omaha so similar situations happened to friends of ours, and I cannot imagine how difficult military wives have it when their spouses are deployed for months, even years at a time! Hands down, they are some of the strongest women in the world.

The travel schedule was increasing each month and Drew was continually being asked if he'd be willing to relocate to Arkansas. Uh...absolutely not!!! OMAHA is our home! That's where our family is! Our whole support system! Our beloved church! Our house! Finally, they stopped asking.

Fall was approaching and Drew was facing more trips away. I finally just had a complete nervous breakdown and bawled my eyes out to him. I couldn't take it anymore and for the first time I think Drew finally understood how hard his work schedule was on our family (don't get me wrong; Drew was supportive and helpful throughout this whole ordeal. It was crazy hard on him too! He was being pulled in four different directions at once and I think we'd both reached a breaking point.). We both knew that something had to change. We both felt it; like God was telling us something was going to happen. I just thought it meant Drew wouldn't have to travel anymore and would get to do the job he actually wanted. I guess I was partly right, haha.

The question came again. "Drew, what is it going to take to get you to relocate to Fort Smith, Arkansas for the next 12-18 months?" I believe that was the exact question that was posed. I was on the way to see a movie with my friend Ciara (who was also in the 'husband-is-away' boat with me) when Drew called me to chat and told me what was asked of him. Both of us had the same words coming out of our mouths (No way! Not ever!), all the while both feeling in our hearts, "I think we're supposed to say 'yes' to this." By the end of the conversation, we decided this was it; we were waving the white flag and giving in. We both immediately felt like a weight was lifted off of our shoulders.

After lots of stress and tears...here we are. In Arkansas. The actual move wasn't terrible. The company relocated us so I didn't have to pack a single box (which was absolutely ideal because I don't know if I could have emotionally handled packing up our perfect house in Omaha). Unpacking is always overwhelming but I really don't have anything to complain about. That's life! If a box is packed, it will eventually have to be unpacked. Apparently though I was under more stress than I realized because for the second time in my life (the first being when my body was under the stress of being 36 weeks pregnant), I got shingles. Ugh. So...much...pain! Like the first time, it affected my back, which was NOT helpful trying to unpack and lift heavy things.

*For those of you who have been blessed enough to not have experienced shingles, for me this is how it feels: severe body aches like the flu + the feeling of a really large bruise + the 'sensitive to the touch' feeling of a bad sunburn + extreme fatigue = shingles on Lauren's back.*

Fortunately I had some meds left over from the first bout so I was able to heal fairly quickly. I wasn't the only one who had health issues when we moved; Drew caught a severe cold and Jude, we discovered, cannot tolerate the tap water here (horrible digestive issues are the result) so he is exclusively on bottled water. We tried introducing britta filtered water, but it still causes 'yuckies' so bottled it is for the lad!

As of now, we are probably 90% settled in terms of unpacking (the garage is still a hot mess), and all health issues have ceased (for now at least). Drew loves his job and is having great success at it (like that was a surprise....Drew's the best at what he does!). Judes' temperament has improved significantly! It is definitely noticeable that he feels much more at ease knowing daddy comes home every single night. I think its noticeable in all of us: we're a family again. It. Is. Wonderful.

I'll be perfectly honest; I still have a difficult time with things. I am beyond thankful that our awesome little family is together, and I still feel that God wanted us to make this move and I'm happy that we did, but this is harder than I expected.

I'm a stay at home mommy and I love it, but it also makes it more difficult to not feel 'alone'. In Omaha, I would go out with my mom, my sister, my friends, and there were numerous places to go and so many fun things to do! Not to be a pessimist, but there just isn't anything here. I know the people aspect of everything will take time and that's ok! We've already made a few friends and we've found a great church and small group to attend so I'm sure many more new friends are right around the corner. **Brief side note: how did we find a church we love so quickly? Our neighbor is the college pastor. Go ahead and try to say that isn't just straight up a "God thing" :)**
The whole 'things to do' aspect of Fort Smith is a little more challenging. When we ask people what there is to do around here, most people list things that are two to three hours away. The people who don't give us that answer are the ones that say, "Well...there really isn't much to do here." Alrighty then!

Fort Smith is much smaller than Omaha, obviously, but it really is a sweet little town with lots of potential! I've said to a few people that I feel like I need to go to a city council meeting because there are so many things that could happen here that just aren't. I've been told that the 'powers that be' in this town are kind of stuck in their ways and do not like change. Oh well, it is what it is. I do have to say that boutique shopping Omaha vs. Fort Smith.... point Fort Smith! Seriously girlfriends, come down and go shopping with me :).

Culturally it's been a bit of a shock. There have been many times that Drew and I have literally had to ask people, "What is this? Is this a 'thing' here?" For example; half the town is closed on Sunday (not bad, just different), a 15% tip at a restaurant is extravagant, and don't even get me started on the term "y'all" haha. Even the grass is different here than in Omaha! Oh and going back to shopping; any of my Omaha girls tell me what a 'piko' is? This was a new experience for me but pikos are a fashion staple in the south! I bought a couple. They're nice! I think we should start that being 'a thing' up north.

I still get down every once in a while. I am blessed to have many people and places to miss in Omaha. I'll be honest, it doesn't feel like 'home' here yet. In my experience though, that feeling sort of sneaks up on you and you don't even realize it until it's time to leave. That's my hope. That not only will we be moving back to Omaha after these 18 months, but that we will have many places and loved ones to miss when we do. 

If God brings you to it, He'll help you thru it. I know He wants better things for us than we can even fathom. It'll be interesting and exciting to see what that looks like.

If I may, a few things that we could use prayer for:

1. Me possibly getting a part time job. (Just for something to do! This would obviously effect Jude a great deal so he obviously is the number one thing to consider in this decision.)

2. Friends for all of us.

3. Comfort in times of stress and loneliness (and when we're feeling super homesick).

4. Continued success in Drew's career.

5. Opportunities for God to use us here in FSM.

6. Jude's tummy issues.

7. Holiday travels.


Thank you so much.

Lastly, here is my message to Omaha:

Love y'all

 

(haha)

 

Lauren

Hey Jude

Dear Jude,

First off, let me be terribly cliché and say that time went way too fast. I cannot believe that it is your first birthday already! By the way, you are officially grounded because when you were a week old, I told you that you were not allowed to grow up. You were supposed to stay little. It was the very first time you disobeyed me ;). You've gotten so big! I'll never forget the day you were born. It was the happiest day of my life.

Second, I just want you to know how much you were and are wanted. For a few years, your dad and I weren't sure we would be able to have children. The thought of it was probably one of the deepest hurts I knew. It was a struggle every day, week, month, year. I am not ashamed to say that we ended up getting some medical help...and miraculously, it worked the very first try. The overwhelming joy I felt when I found out we were pregnant with you is unlike anything in the world. From the moment I knew you existed, I was extremely proud of you. The next nine months were horrible, haha. I had every negative pregnancy side effect in the book! To be honest I miss being pregnant at times though. Feeling you move and kick and hiccup inside of me was the most special and beautiful thing ever. I would drink orange juice every day to make you wiggle even more! It was comforting to me. I knew you were okay if you were wiggling. By the time you are able to read and understand this, you may find it funny to know that I was crazy and a worrier even before you were born...something I'm sure you're all too familiar with now. I think the fact that I didn't even know if you were possible for me made you all the more precious. When the time came for you to make your entrance into the world, I was so nervous! First of all because I didn't know how I could do it! I'd never given birth before and I really didn't have a choice in the matter, haha...you were coming ready or not! Second of all because I was worried I wouldn't be good enough for you. As you also know honey, I'm far from perfect. And as bad as I want it, I can never be perfect enough for you. Looking back I'd have to say I was more than prepared for you in the most important way (aside from having a proper car seat because without that, the hospital wouldn't have let us take you home!) : I loved you with all that I had. And as much as I think each day that I couldn't possibly love you more... I do. More each day. Forever and beyond.

Third, I want you to know how special you are. Every good parent thinks their child is wonderful....and I'm the most correct of all in thinking it :). I'm not trying to say that some parents don't love or appreciate their children as much as others, but I do think that I love and appreciate you in a different way because I, like many other moms, know a devastating time 'without'. This is a fact: You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Your dad and I waited for you...not knowing if you would even come. God gives you exactly what you need exactly when you need it. Want to know what I think? God knew it was the perfect time for us to have a baby and so He went to my Grandma Phillips and Grandma Simmerman (who are both in Heaven) and told them to pick out the best baby for me...and they picked you:). You're everything I could have wanted and more. You're not perfect... you can have quite the attitude sometimes (hereditary), but I would never wish for any other child in your place. From a small age we could already tell that you were very smart and very strong! You've always been so vocal and chatty with the best sense of humor and comedic timing:). I'm so excited to see you grow and develop your amazing personality even more. You are so much fun to be around! Jude, we're soul mates... and I couldn't be happier about that.

Lastly, I want to say thank you. Thank you for so much more than I can even express right now. Thank you for the joy and laughter you brought into my life. Thank you for giving me a feeling of belonging and purpose. You are a gift from God and I feel it wholeheartedly. Thank you for making me feel complete (that's not to say I don't want you to have brothers or sisters someday, but I just never felt completely myself until you came along). Thank you for bringing me closer to God. When you become a parent a long LONG time from now, you'll understand :).

In closing I just want to say that I wish so much for you. So much joy and adventure! I want you to know that I'm always here for you whenever you need me. Even if you mess up. We all mess up, honey! There's nothing you can do that will stop me loving you. I want you to know that I'm here to support you. I apologize in advance because I'm also here to unintentionally embarrass you. I will help you in any way that I can. You can always talk to me about anything. I wish for you to have a heart and a love for others. I wish for you to show the world what a good example of a Christian should be. I wish for you to be strong because times will get hard. I wish for you to have a good work ethic and to do your best in everything you do (A+ or C+; no matter what your best looks like). I wish for you to love music like I do (I think that you already do!). In short, I wish for you to have a long happy and healthy life with good friends, prosperity, a love for God, and a wonderful wife and children someday (but you're sooo not allowed to move far away from me!).

Baby, you're just everything.
I love you,
Mommy