Wow, the last blog was about me giving birth! That seems so long ago....like it didn't actually happen or something! Anyway, here's what's been going...
Shortly after Jude was born, Drew informed me that we would be able to have me be a stay at home mom! Eight months later- I am now convinced it was the best decision ever. Don't get me wrong; I've always enjoyed being home with Jude (I occasionally get cabin fever, but that's only natural I think), but once you leave the 9-5 (or in a childcare setting, 6-5) to stay home full time, it's a bit 'mind-bottling' (like when things are so crazy, your mind feels like its trapped in a bottle ;D). Mommy hormones don't help the situation either.
When I first began my S.A.H.M journey, it was very easy to feel worthless. I watch this child sleep all day, I don't bring in any money, I am not beneficial to my family because I am now lazy. I struggled with the decision! Mostly from a financial standpoint. Like somehow my worth as a person had been wrapped up in the extravagant paycheck I was receiving as a childcare provider (haha, wink). My mom told me she'd read an article that broke down what one would have to pay for each of the services a mom provides for her children....and it was higher than most people could ever afford. Then I asked Drew if we did the right thing in having me stay home and he said, "Absolutely. And I think the evidence is how great Jude is." That made me cry! Jude is an amazing kid. He's always had the best personality and temperament and I do not take credit for that, but when Drew basically credited me for Judes awesomeness, that touched my heart. Over these past eight months, it has been confirmed to me over and over in tiny ways that this is where I belong and I wouldn't want it any other way:). Boy does it jostle your confidence at first, though!!
Ah confidence. That's another thing. So here are the facts: I had a baby. I gained weight. I do not have a personal trainer (unless you count my bff Amanda, who tolerates me tagging along to the gym with her :P) nor do I have a nanny. I am not, nor will I ever be Kate Middleton stick figure sized. You think that's funny, you don't like it, "What's MY excuse??" Suck it.
I'll admit it, body after baby isn't easy to deal with at times! I am trying to work on myself but I haven't reached my goals yet and that's ok. (Gotta work to convince myself occasionally that 'its ok!!!') As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and weight problems in the past, I think the mental part of the struggle is more challenging at times. I am very proud to be a mother! It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Period. I want to be the best that I can be for my son. I think that's the thing to focus on. Instead of "I want to fit into this dress" or "I need to look hot in a bikini" I need to focus on "How can I instill healthful habits into my life so that I can pass them along to Jude so he doesn't have to worry or struggle with the same things that Drew and I have struggled with?" Haha, the lighter side of this is that I have to teach Jude AND Drew about vegetables (i.e. A POTATO IS NOT A VEGETABLE). Anyway, we've been doing a lot of "clean eating" and I'm convinced that is the way to do it, for our family, at least. Not "dieting", but choosing to live in a certain way. Jude doesn't need a super skinny mommy (even though I'll admit I would like to fit that title just a little!!!), Jude needs a healthy mommy.
Society complicates this :/. Don't even get me started on that "What's your excuse?" chick who was A PERSONAL TRAINER, but she proves a point: Society states that looking like anything but a fitness model after baby isn't just unacceptable, its repulsive and undesirable. I know, I know. I'm heading down the road to the 'positive body image/real women have curves' soapbox, but seriously: we can't all look like that. And. That. Is. Okay. I want to be strong, confident, and healthy. Most importantly, I want to be a great mommy.
I have no clue who (if anyone,lol) actually reads this blog but if anyone is struggling with anything of this sort, hit me up. Maybe we can help each other:).
Anyway, I do want to start blogging more often! Sometimes it helps me just to get my words out. Thanks for reading :)
Lauren
P.S. This is what I dressed up as last Halloween: Pregnant but also Brand from "The Goonies". Haha. Happy Fall!
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