Gypsy Life

Well my last post ended with, "see you in six months" so I'm only a teeny bit late I guess.

I'm going to be brutally honest...I'm really struggling right now so this post might not be terribly cheery. Here's what has been going on as of late.

It all started in mid-August. Drew's job threw us a total curve ball: please move again. Less than a year after we asked you to move the last time. To a brand-new city that you've never set foot in before. And we're totally going to screw you out of a good relocation package by the way. Enjoy!

So off we went! It was overwhelming and left my mind flooded with questions and emotions.

Why?
Is this really what we're supposed to do?
How is Jude going to handle this?
Was Drew's job actually going to be as great as was promised this time?
How long is this move for?
Where on earth are we going to end up next?
What did Fort Smith mean???

I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I do feel like this move was what God wanted for our family and He's definitely provided for us. Also, Jude has been really resilient and is seemingly adapting well to all of the changes. I was able to find him a new school (although I GREATLY miss his old one in Fort Smith) and a fantastic speech therapist, so I'm incredibly thankful for that! The other questions are a bit harder to deal with....

Drew's job is why we move. Where he goes, I go. Arkansas was supposed to be a wonderful job opportunity for him and it was absolutely not. It was hard for me to see him go through what he did... I mean, unfortunately it's not abnormal to have Drew come home from work looking like a dementor sucked out his soul...but this was supposed to be different. Why were we there if it was only causing more grief? It got so bad that we just knew in our heads and hearts that something big was going to change soon.....and along came Oklahoma. So far it seems like he's happier at his job here. I just hope that continues and even improves more with time! I hate seeing him unhappy.

Our contract in Arkansas was for 18 months. We were there just shy of 12 months. Most people ask how long we will be in Oklahoma...the simple answer is we are in another 18 month contract so we could be here anywhere from another month to another twenty years. Simple enough. Where next? Who knows. If it's up to us: Omaha. Hands down. We want Jude to grow up around family. We are so blessed with a great support system/family in Omaha and we miss it dearly. Sometimes it's hard to be content in our current situation because of what we've had before. We are by no means suffering, but we are basically gypsies that would like a place to finally call home...and to actually LIVE THERE.

When we were preparing to move to Arkansas, I was full of hope and faith that God had something huge planned for us. I dreamed of the awesome new friends I'd make and the people I'd help by being a great friend/listener/encourager/helper/whatever. Maybe I expected too much, but I was severely let down. Don't get me wrong: I definitely met some wonderful friends who I hope remain a big part of my life forever, but I also met some people I wish I hadn't haha. I look back on our time and think, "I don't get it?" What was it for? A test? A trial? I wanted to make an impact, and to be honest, I left feeling like I didn't matter at all. I don't understand all of the 'whys' of Fort Smith yet and maybe I never will. I cling to one thing though that honestly made all of the pain I went through worth it:

I had dinner with one of my best friends in Arkansas and we bawled our eyes out in that back booth of a diner expressing our feelings about my time here. She knew how worthless I felt and gave me the best compliment I think I've ever received in my entire life. She said I'd helped her get through hard times that she didn't think she could have survived without me. She said I helped make her strong. She said I taught her to stand up for herself.
She was probably the first person I knew that genuinely made me feel worth something. I'm not saying these things to toot my own horn, but those words meant more to me that she'll probably ever know. Words said crying over a big bowl of green bean fries :).

So now we're here in Edmond, Oklahoma. The area is about the size of Omaha but it just feels so big right now. We're starting over.........again. I poured my whole self into Fort Smith, AR trying to make it feel like home. Right now, its hard to muster up the energy to do it all over again...especially since I have no idea how long we'll be here. It's hard to live in a place and feel so invisible. Things take time, I know. It took me living in Arkansas for about seven months before I found "my people." Praying to find some good people here as well. I know I'm an odd person, but somehow I just feel even more out of place here right off the bat. It's a much larger city..."my people" may be harder to find. We are EXTREMELY  blessed to know some wonderful families that live in the area already. That's more than we had starting out in Arkansas! I think what will make a huge difference is when we find our church/small group "home" here. The trick is coming up with enough emotional energy to do so.

Sorry if this was negative. I don't really need clichés right now, just prayer and encouragement. I'm sure my next post will tell of great improvements to our lives here in Oklahoma. I know there's all the potential in the world.

Thanks for reading.
Lauren

In like a Lion

It's March! We are officially in our sixth month of living in Arkansas.

18 months:

1/3 down

2/3 to go

All of the sudden the weather decided to be a bit crap (the one thing Arkansas had going for them ;D), but it'll pass and I'm sure we'll soon be in sweltering heat. I'm so ready to take advantage of our pool!!!

Things are improving, slowly but surely. At this rate I'll be blissfully happy by the time we are called to leave. That's how life works, right? Haha. 

Jude is two now!!! Can you believe it? He is going to daycare two days a week and that has been awesome for both of us! I'm really hoping that being around other children more frequently will help Jude's vocabulary. He doesn't speak much. He prefers signing apparently, which isn't working for us anymore seeing as how I've exhausted all of my signing knowledge on him and the words "more", "please", and "all done" won't get him too far in life. We've already noticed an improvement in his speech since he started daycare a month ago. I'm sure once he starts I'll be wishing he'd be quiet just for even a minute. Again, that's how life works, right?

Drew is quite busy with his jobs at Biomat and Maverick. His workload is substantial but his schedule, for the most part, has never been better. Until we moved, it was HIGHLY unusual for Drew to have dinner at home. Now he's home almost every night. Love it! Not surprisingly, the center in AR has thrived under Drew's leadership. Duh! My man can do anything. So proud of him. 

Then there's little old me. 

I've never tried so many different things in my entire life. If there's a meeting/church group - I go to it. If there's a party - I'm usually there. I've joined MOPS, I teach cubbies, and I try to get involved in any church activities I can. I'm finding that I really enjoy it! As a textbook introvert, it can get exhausting, but I think God is helping to sustain me! 

The process of 'fitting in' isn't easy. I'm not interested in changing who I am for anyone except God. 

I like me (most of me haha) and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's the 'refining process' that is a challenge. In trying 'everything' it's only natural to have a bad 'fit' or experience. Boy is that true. I must exhude 'crazy' because that just seems to be the thing that finds me. I've got story after story of things I've experienced that are nothing short of soap opera drama. It's to the point that I just have to laugh. 

It can be tough at times. Making new friends, finding out people weren't who you thought they were, hoping the people you've left behind aren't forgetting you. Like I said, it's a refining process. 

Pressure makes diamonds. Quality stays. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know people better and hopefully forming some strong, lasting relationships. I definitely feel like God is placing certain people in my life for this. 

In times of disappointment and frustration I remind myself that every person in my life was put there by God for whatever reason.....and I'm in their lives for His purpose, too. I've come to the realization that instead of worrying so much about what to do/say/be, I need to just pray that I'm whatever God wants me to be in people's lives. 

If you know me well, you know I'm a skosh 'different'. That wasn't an accident. God made me that way because He has a purpose for my life. That's what I want. His purpose. 

That's how life should work, right?

Talk to you in six months. 

Lauren

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Well, I think this is officially the week that everyone has already bailed on their New Years resolutions. 

You know I'm right. Calendar production companies should just go ahead and write that on in. 

Typically I don't make New Years resolutions because I know me: probably not gonna follow thru. 

It's like a diet. I don't believe in diets. I believe in lifestyle changes. Think of it this way: changing something so drastically to accomplish a 'small' goal you may have might be a quick way to reach the goal, but if you can't live with the changes forever, you will ultimately be unsuccessful in your journey. 

Also, pick something that actually matters to you. Yeah it might be nice for some to look great in a bikini, but will that matter to you in 20, 40, or 60 years? 

(Totally not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. And if you're rocking your bikini, good for you!!! Just saying, that's not me.)

Last week in our Sunday school class, our teacher spoke on a topic that really hit home to me and I decided I officially needed to make a lifestyle change now more than ever. 

He spoke on love vs. hate. 

Is it easier to love or hate? 

I know my answer. Now for my confession:

I hate Ft. Smith, Arkansas. 

Let me get out my negative rant first:

We were happy in Omaha. We loved it there. My family is there. Our friends are there. I felt loved and needed there. THERE WAS STUFF TO DO!!!

Southern charm is definitely a thing, but it's fake. It's extremely difficult to get past the friendly veneer to the genuine person sometimes. Ft. Smith is a tough town if you're the new kid. People have their established groups. Not much room for new or different. This isn't true of everyone, but a decent majority. 

My first experiences here were very negative and hurtful.  I'm wounded and quite frankly, I'd like to just give up on trying. 

How is that better though?

My second confession might be more shocking than the first:

I haven't regretted moving here for a second. 

We knew for a fact that God wanted us to move here, so we did. I cling to that every day. 

If God wanted us here, it wasn't random. He has a purpose for us here. 

Call me crazy but I think it's safe to say that God didn't intend for me to just keep my living room couch company all day. 

That means I've gotta try... which means I've gotta love. 

It's my choice. I can see this for what it is- an opportunity- and choose to NOT waste it. 

I will make a conscious effort every day to "put on love" ( Col. 3:14) even if it means I might get hurt again. People always disappoint. God doesn't. I'm listening to Him now. 

I will try to get plugged in to groups at church that I enjoy and hopefully, while growing closer to God, make some great friends in the process. 

I actually have a lot of love to give. Now I'm going to. 

I don't enjoy this negativity I've felt here! I love to love, give, serve, and help!!! 

I'm praying for more opportunities to do those things :). 

In summation, my life change goal is this: 

LOVE Ft. Smith. 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren