My due date is officially nine days away. These next few weeks are filled with uncertainty. Here's an update on what's been going on these past few weeks.
With about a month left in the third trimester, my abilities and energy had gone downhill fast! Breathing, walking, standing, sitting, eating, etc were very difficult! I was able to get a doctors note and have alternative duties at work: instead of working Tues-Fri, 8-5 as a Toddler Teacher, I started working M-F, 12-6 as a Preschool Float/Office Helper. It helped tremendously!!! For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was actually doing something helpful at work and it made me very happy. For about two weeks I felt the best I'd ever felt my whole pregnancy. I thought "these last few weeks are gonna be a breeze!"
Ha! No.
About two weeks ago I started having significant pain in my pelvis when I was walking, sitting, standing, basically moving. Reading up on preggo stuff and talking to my Dr. gave me the simple explanation that the baby had dropped; a totally normal thing. Hurt like heck though!
*Disclaimer: Not going to get graphic, but some people might find things I will say to be TMI. I'm kind of an open book so I don't know where that TMI point is, so I guess if you feel like reading on...go for it.*
The pain started to get worse every day. It started out feeling like I'd ridden a horse and was really sore from it, but the pain wouldn't go away or lessen no matter what I did. Again: this is a pretty normal thing. not every pregnant woman goes through it, but it's nothing to worry about at this point. I go to the doctor every week and have my cervix checked and the doctor had definitely acknowledged that baby had dropped and his head was so low it was very difficult to examine me. I was hoping that meant labor was imminent but she said I was only 1 cm and 50% effaced (basically nothing).
This past Sunday, I woke up in the night for one of my zillion trips to the bathroom and I could barely walk. I ended up staying home from church because I was in so much pain and sitting, standing, and walking were out of the question. I got ready for the day still and went out to lunch with my family. After lunch, Kati (my sister) and I went over to the mall to walk. Kati said I needed to keep walking or I'd never go into labor. I thought she was right because that's the advice you always hear and I figured maybe walking would loosen up my muscles/joints. I was wrong! It only made things worse. The rest of Sunday was excruciating pain.
Monday morning involved another doctors appointment. I was dreading going because the last exam hurt so bad and I was told that baby wasn't coming anytime soon so I was discouraged, frustrated, and just over being pregnant and in so much pain. I wore a dress to my appointment because pants were too much of an obstacle for me at this point! I figured the doc would tell me the same thing she did at my last appointment (the Thursday before) "that's normal, no changes, baby will be late, bye!"
She asked how I was feeling and I told her that I thought what I was doing couldn't officially be classified as 'walking' anymore. I told her about how much pain I was in and how I'd tried walking it off but it only made things worse. She said, "If you're hurting like this, the LAST thing you should do is be walking!" She understood my reasoning that I thought if I didn't keep walking, baby wouldn't come. She's said that most people think that but it wasn't true, especially in my case: pain means stop! The doctor then proceeded to every one's favorite part: the cervical exam. As difficult as it was last time, it was tons worse this time. She said that baby had definitely dropped even more since Thursday. It took her three times to try and see if there had been any changes. She determined that nothing had changed. If I was more dilated or effaced, she would have had us pick a date to be induced during the week. She said she wanted to see me back first thing in the morning on Friday to check for changes and possibly be induced or pick a day the following week because I'm in so much pain. She said I had the most difficult cervix she's ever had to examine. I asked her if I get a medal for that.
I had brought in paperwork that we'd just gotten in the mail for my maternity leave at work (which I was supposed to officially start, unless baby came earlier, on the 22nd of February). Drew filled it out so I didn't even look at it (I thought it was insurance stuff) and he handed it to the doctor. She said, "If it's alright with you, I'm going to write on here that your maternity leave start today." I looked at Drew and he said "that's fine!" Knowing how I can't even functionally walk, I agreed.
Work was very nice, caring, and supportive so that helped me feel a little better, but I'm definitely struggling with feeling like a failure.
I feel so guilty that I'm on maternity leave two full weeks earlier than I'd planned. That's one whole paycheck that we don't get. I feel like a failure as a pregnant person: like somehow I should be able to control my body so that I could be functioning better. The doctor has always said baby is doing perfect (I'm so thankful for that!!!!! I'd rather take the pain than give it to him!!!!), but I'm so paranoid that if his big ol' head is hurting me this badly, than my bones must be crushing him and causing damage (I know this is ridiculous: as if God hadn't thought of this when He was designing women to carry babies).
So that's where things are. I'm at home with options of sitting on a yoga ball, taking warm baths, and possibly going swimming....no walking! I wish Netflix had better selection...
Prayer items right now: I'm scared to get induced! I've just always heard that pitocin makes contractions so much worse and paired with an epidural, it can end up in a long labor and possibly an emergency c-section. I know God has had this whole thing planned from even before we conceived- I need to let go of my worries. I'm praying my body will decide to go into labor on it's own before Friday. I think I'll feel a little less guilty about being on maternity leave so early if that happens.
I'm trying to keep focused on God at this time. I know how blessed we are and this pain will pass. So many people I know and love have gone through so much worse. I so don't think what I'm going through is the end of the world or anything even close! It's just sprinkles on top of a pre-baby jitters ice cream sunday.
Pray for Drew. He's amazing and supportive. I just can't see how he couldn't be stressed at this time. Financially especially. Pray that Maverick Pet Foods keeps picking up. God has done some cool things in that area recently...it's been awesome to see! Our ultimate goal is for Maverick to not only cover my salary, but his Biomat salary as well. God willing, that is!
Anyway, still pregnant and having trouble boarding any trains-of-thought so I'll wrap this up.
Next time you hear from me, I'll probably be a mommy :). So crazy exciting!
Love to all,
Lauren
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