The Aftermath

A friend of mine suggested I start a fashion and beauty blog. I was BEYOND flattered, but seeing as how I only post like, once a year....I'm not sure how helpful I would be! End of introduction.


Wow, the last blog was about me giving birth! That seems so long ago....like it didn't actually happen or something! Anyway, here's what's been going...

Shortly after Jude was born, Drew informed me that we would be able to have me be a stay at home mom! Eight months later- I am now convinced it was the best decision ever. Don't get me wrong; I've always enjoyed being home with Jude (I occasionally get cabin fever, but that's only natural I think), but once you leave the 9-5 (or in a childcare setting, 6-5) to stay home full time, it's a bit 'mind-bottling' (like when things are so crazy, your mind feels like its trapped in a bottle ;D). Mommy hormones don't help the situation either.

When I first began my S.A.H.M journey, it was very easy to feel worthless. I watch this child sleep all day, I don't bring in any money, I am not beneficial to my family because I am now lazy. I struggled with the decision! Mostly from a financial standpoint. Like somehow my worth as a person had been wrapped up in the extravagant paycheck I was receiving as a childcare provider (haha, wink). My mom told me she'd read an article that broke down what one would have to pay for each of the services a mom provides for her children....and it was higher than most people could ever afford. Then I asked Drew if we did the right thing in having me stay home and he said, "Absolutely. And I think the evidence is how great Jude is." That made me cry! Jude is an amazing kid. He's always had the best personality and temperament and I do not take credit for that, but when Drew basically credited me for Judes awesomeness, that touched my heart. Over these past eight months, it has been confirmed to me over and over in tiny ways that this is where I belong and I wouldn't want it any other way:). Boy does it jostle your confidence at first, though!!

Ah confidence. That's another thing. So here are the facts: I had a baby. I gained weight. I do not have a personal trainer (unless you count my bff Amanda, who tolerates me tagging along to the gym with her :P) nor do I have a nanny. I am not, nor will I ever be Kate Middleton stick figure sized. You think that's funny, you don't like it, "What's MY excuse??" Suck it.

 I'll admit it, body after baby isn't easy to deal with at times! I am trying to work on myself but I haven't reached my goals yet and that's ok. (Gotta work to convince myself occasionally that 'its ok!!!') As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and weight problems in the past, I think the mental part of the struggle is more challenging at times. I am very proud to be a mother! It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Period. I want to be the best that I can be for my son. I think that's the thing to focus on. Instead of "I want to fit into this dress" or "I need to look hot in a bikini" I need to focus on "How can I instill healthful habits into my life so that I can pass them along to Jude so he doesn't have to worry or struggle with the same things that Drew and I have struggled with?"  Haha, the lighter side of this is that I have to teach Jude AND Drew about vegetables (i.e. A POTATO IS NOT A VEGETABLE).  Anyway, we've been doing a lot of "clean eating" and I'm convinced that is the way to do it, for our family, at least. Not "dieting", but choosing to live in a certain way. Jude doesn't need a super skinny mommy (even though I'll admit I would like to fit that title just a little!!!), Jude needs a healthy mommy.

Society complicates this :/. Don't even get me started on that "What's your excuse?" chick who was A PERSONAL TRAINER, but she proves a point: Society states that looking like anything but a fitness model after baby isn't just unacceptable, its repulsive and undesirable. I know, I know. I'm heading down the road to the 'positive body image/real women have curves' soapbox, but seriously: we can't all look like that. And. That. Is. Okay.  I want to be strong, confident, and healthy. Most importantly, I want to be a great mommy.

I have no clue who (if anyone,lol) actually reads this blog but if anyone is struggling with anything of this sort, hit me up. Maybe we can help each other:).

Anyway, I do want to start blogging more often! Sometimes it helps me just to get my words out. Thanks for reading :)

Lauren

P.S. This is what I dressed up as last Halloween: Pregnant but also Brand from "The Goonies". Haha. Happy Fall!

Ready...Set....PUSH!

Clearly this post will be chronicling my labor and delivery experience. It will not get graphic, so fret not.

So where were we?

My last post talked about how I had to start maternity leave two weeks earlier than expected and the worries that resulted...God provided and we're doing well.

So baby just kept dropping lower and lower during my maternity-leave-without-baby. I spent two weeks in bed, couldn't walk, watching "Roseanne" marathons on T.V. The pain was bad but the worst part was the boredom. Hardly anything to complain about though! I'm sure that'd sound like a vacation to some people :). Anyway, I learned a lot about parenting from Roseanne.

When I wasn't in bed, I was traveling to the doctor to see if I was anymore dilated/effaced. The answer was always 'no' and the pain just kept getting worse. My doctor told me to try some Evening Primrose Oil capsules on a Friday appointment and we'd see if I'd progressed any by my Monday appointment...if I had progressed, she'd have us induced on that following Friday. If I hadn't progressed, she'd let me go a week past my due date---AAAHHH! I knew I couldn't take that! I took that EPO like it was going out of style. That Monday we got the good news that there was indeed progress! Praise the Lord!!! The doc also gave us the news that instead of being induced that Friday, we'd be induced that Thursday (our actual due date)! We got all geared up to be back at the hospital at 6am, Thursday, February 21.

This left me with three whole days to f-r-e-a-k o-u-t. The most common stories (on google, that is, haha) of being induced involve labor lasting two days, pitocin contractions being waaaay stronger than normal ones, pitocin competing with epidural leading to an emergency c-section. Basically everything that scared me and plagued my mind. What was this going to feel like? I've never given birth before!!! Did I have everything ready? What else do I need? How long will this take? What if I can't get an epidural? What if something goes wrong and baby gets hurt? What if I'm not a good mom? What if I literally get split completely in half like a wishbone??? (Ok that one is a little much...) Anyway...point being: Me=spazzing.

Thursday morning alarm goes off at 4:00am. Past the point of no return... that was the weirdest morning of getting ready I've ever had. Being scared like something bad was going to happen, but being excited because the result was going to be the most wonderful thing ever. We loaded up the car and were on our way. "Snowmageddon" was supposed to happen later that day, but at 5:30am, there wasn't a snowflake around. We drove past a Walmart and I couldn't believe how packed the parking lot was! Snow paranoia had set in the whole city, I guess. (Later on in the day we'd see out the window that everything was completely covered in a beautiful blanket of pure white snow. Loved it.)

We got to the hospital, checked in, and were escorted to our L&D room. Everything was so...weird. It was completely dead at the hospital (we were only one of three women who were giving birth there that day) so we immediately had three nurses jumping to help us get all settled in. They were the night shift L&D nurses and they'd be off soon and boy was I thankful. One of the nurses was so rude and treated me like I was an idiot. She checked my cervix and rolled her eyes and sighed and told me that I was going to be there for a while. Yeah....a real peach. I was thrilled when she left.

The one nurse that stayed until the day nurse came was really nice. She got me hooked up to my I.V. and started the pitocin. Then my day L&D nurse came in and she was the best possible nurse I could have had. Her name was Dana and she was fabulous. She laughed with us, talked with us, and made the whole process so much less scary.

By 8:00am my doctor came in to break my water. I thought that'd hurt really bad but it didn't at all. It was extremely weird though! There's just something about seemingly 'wetting the bed' that makes you feel like a jerk or something. My doctor encouraged me after she examined my progress by letting me know that I was further along than she'd expected and would probably have the baby around 5:00pm that night. I was so happy I wasn't going to be in labor for days!

After a while, Dana said it was time to walk some laps in the hallway to make my contractions stronger. First lap around the hallways: ouch...so that's what a baaaad contraction feels like. Second lap: holy crap...I stopped back in the room and told Dana they were getting really bad. She said, "Great!!! Keep walking!" Third lap: couldn't take it anymore! Went back to the room, Dana checked to see how dilated I was and pronounced me eligible for an epidural :)! Yay! She got the anesthesiologist and I got juiced up (getting the epidural was one of the most painful events, but still not terrible). The contraction pain almost immediately went away and I was feeling good. Drew, Mom, Dana, and I talked and joked and had a grand old time. Drew and Mom went to get something to eat and Dana told me I should really take a nap. I'd only gotten about 4 hours of sleep the night before but I still felt great. I shut my eyes, Dana went on break, and another nurse came to fill in. I didn't have much shut-eye because I started feeling my contractions on my right side again.

When Dana, Drew, and Mom came back (by this time, Kati had come as well), my pain had gotten pretty bad and they called in the anesthesiologist again to give me a 'boost'. It didn't really work and Dana said that she was going to check my cervix again because that was a sign that things were progressing fast. Yup! Before I knew it she said I was at 10 cm! She called my doctor and she couldn't believe it! She came in to see me and said "You are a rockstar!" So here I am, ready to push... ah here it goes.

Sidenote: In mental preparation for giving birth, I'd decided that logically, it made sense to push your brains out to make things go really fast and to potentially avoid becoming a human wishbone. I decided I was going to be the best pusher they'd ever seen.

Started pushing about 1:45pm and whereas I had the epidural and wasn't feeling as much as I could have, I think I felt more than I should have. A coworker of mine said when her sister gave birth all natural, she concentrated on keeping loose and relaxed during contractions: that didn't work for me. I tried staying loose, gripping something really tight, and nothing worked. The thing that did work for me? Making ridiculous 'strong man competition' faces. I knew I looked stupid but it helped me! Drew said it was all he could do to not laugh at me. Whatevs. Haha.

Here I am, pushing as hard as I can, Drew holding my leg on one side, Dana on the other. There are two awkward spotlights pointed towards the 'action' and they made me way too hot so I asked Kati if she'd please fan me. It felt like an absurd diva demand but she was like, "Of course!" and I was in pain. So there.

Pushing that baby head past my pelvic bone almost killed me. Pretty soon though, the doctor said, "Just one more push!" and he was out! He came out wiggling his head with excellent neck control and the doctor said that was why I was in so much pain leading up to labor, haha.

Before I knew it, I had my beautiful son in my arms. He didn't look all gross like some of the babies 'fresh out' looked on television, he was pretty clean! I counted his little fingers and toes. He was perfect. He was wonderful. He was finally out!

Jude Rain Schneider was born at 3:13 pm, February 21, 2013. 20.5 inches long, 8 lbs 2 oz. 100% the best thing that has ever happened to us.

 

(Jude at 9 days old)

 

 

He's so good. Too good. So good that I worry that he's too good....waiting for the 'catch'. My friend told me that my pregnancy was the catch. Haha.

 

 

Now my life is all about him and I couldn't love it more. Yes, I worry a lot...probably more than I should- "Is he breathing???" (I ask that way too much I'm sure. I've lost a lot of sleep staring at him making sure he was breathing. It probably doesn't help that before you leave the hospital they make you watch the scariest video ever on SIDS.)

 

Things are going very well so far. Just getting used to life with Jude, breastfeeding, and hopefully not having to go back to work! That is something you can pray for us about.  Drew was able to have two weeks off for his paternity leave. He goes back to work tomorrow :(. I'll probably be a crying mess. It's been so nice having so much help! He's seriously the best dad ever. He gets up with Jude in the middle of the night more often than most dad's do I'm sure!

 

I can't imagine life without Jude now. I can't believe I lived without him! We've never felt so 'whole' than we do now as parents. God has blessed us with exactly the best child ever for us. We are so thankful.

 

 

I'm looking forward to Jude being able to see us clearly and smile at us :). He smiles a lot already so I'm hoping those won't be in short supply! (He gets that from his mommy :D)

 

I'm dreading when he's older and tells me he hates me for the first time. I'm pretty sure that'll kill me.

 

The memory of how horrible my pregnancy was has definitely faded. I don't think you ever forget completely. I personally just don't care how bad it was anymore. It was well worth it. I do occasionally miss him being in my tummy. The first time I laid in bed at home and rolled over on my stomach I about cried. "He used to be in there and I couldn't do this before!" I watch him wiggle so much and I remember what it felt like inside of me. I hope I never forget that feeling. I treasure everything about this experience now.

 

Anyway, Jude needs mommy right now so I'd better wrap this up. It was extra lengthy this time for my own benefit of remembering and documenting details.

 



Love, Lauren

It's the final countdown...

My due date is officially nine days away. These next few weeks are filled with uncertainty. Here's an update on what's been going on these past few weeks.


With about a month left in the third trimester, my abilities and energy had gone downhill fast! Breathing, walking, standing, sitting, eating, etc were very difficult! I was able to get a doctors note and have alternative duties at work: instead of working Tues-Fri, 8-5 as a Toddler Teacher, I started working M-F, 12-6 as a Preschool Float/Office Helper. It helped tremendously!!! For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was actually doing something helpful at work and it made me very happy. For about two weeks I felt the best I'd ever felt my whole pregnancy. I thought "these last few weeks are gonna be a breeze!"

Ha! No.

About two weeks ago I started having significant pain in my pelvis when I was walking, sitting, standing, basically moving. Reading up on preggo stuff and talking to my Dr. gave me the simple explanation that the baby had dropped; a totally normal thing. Hurt like heck though!

*Disclaimer: Not going to get graphic, but some people might find things I will say to be TMI. I'm kind of an open book so I don't know where that TMI point is, so I guess if you feel like reading on...go for it.*

The pain started to get worse every day. It started out feeling like I'd ridden a horse and was really sore from it, but the pain wouldn't go away or lessen no matter what I did. Again: this is a pretty normal thing. not every pregnant woman goes through it, but it's nothing to worry about at this point. I go to the doctor every week and have my cervix checked and the doctor had definitely acknowledged that baby had dropped and his head was so low it was very difficult to examine me. I was hoping that meant labor was imminent but she said I was only 1 cm and 50% effaced (basically nothing).

This past Sunday, I woke up in the night for one of my zillion trips to the bathroom and I could barely walk. I ended up staying home from church because I was in so much pain and sitting, standing, and walking were out of the question. I got ready for the day still and went out to lunch with my family. After lunch, Kati (my sister) and I went over to the mall to walk. Kati said I needed to keep walking or I'd never go into labor. I thought she was right because that's the advice you always hear and I figured maybe walking would loosen up my muscles/joints. I was wrong! It only made things worse. The rest of Sunday was excruciating pain.

Monday morning involved another doctors appointment. I was dreading going because the last exam hurt so bad and I was told that baby wasn't coming anytime soon so I was discouraged, frustrated, and just over being pregnant and in so much pain. I wore a dress to my appointment because pants were too much of an obstacle for me at this point! I figured the doc would tell me the same thing she did at my last appointment (the Thursday before) "that's normal, no changes, baby will be late, bye!"

She asked how I was feeling and I told her that I thought what I was doing couldn't officially be classified as 'walking' anymore. I told her about how much pain I was in and how I'd tried walking it off but it only made things worse. She said, "If you're hurting like this, the LAST thing you should do is be walking!" She understood my reasoning that I thought if I didn't keep walking, baby wouldn't come. She's said that most people think that but it wasn't true, especially in my case: pain means stop! The doctor then proceeded to every one's favorite part: the cervical exam. As difficult as it was last time, it was tons worse this time. She said that baby had definitely dropped even more since Thursday. It took her three times to try and see if there had been any changes. She determined that nothing had changed. If I was more dilated or effaced, she would have had us pick a date to be induced during the week. She said she wanted to see me back first thing in the morning on Friday to check for changes and possibly be induced or pick a day the following week because I'm in so much pain. She said I had the most difficult cervix she's ever had to examine. I asked her if I get a medal for that.

 I had brought in paperwork that we'd just gotten in the mail for my maternity leave at work (which I was supposed to officially start, unless baby came earlier, on the 22nd of February). Drew filled it out so I didn't even look at it (I thought it was insurance stuff) and he handed it to the doctor. She said, "If it's alright with you, I'm going to write on here that your maternity leave start today." I looked at Drew and he said "that's fine!" Knowing how I can't even functionally walk, I agreed.

Work was very nice, caring, and supportive so that helped me feel a little better, but I'm definitely struggling with feeling like a failure.

I feel so guilty that I'm on maternity leave two full weeks earlier than I'd planned. That's one whole paycheck that we don't get. I feel like a failure as a pregnant person: like somehow I should be able to control my body so that I could be functioning better. The doctor has always said baby is doing perfect (I'm so thankful for that!!!!! I'd rather take the pain than give it to him!!!!), but I'm so paranoid that if his big ol' head is hurting me this badly, than my bones must be crushing him and causing damage (I know this is ridiculous: as if God hadn't thought of this when He was designing women to carry babies).

So that's where things are. I'm at home with options of sitting on a yoga ball, taking warm baths, and possibly going swimming....no walking! I wish Netflix had better selection...

Prayer items right now: I'm scared to get induced! I've just always heard that pitocin makes contractions so much worse and paired with an epidural, it can end up in a long labor and possibly an emergency c-section. I know God has had this whole thing planned from even before we conceived- I need to let go of my worries. I'm praying my body will decide to go into labor on it's own before Friday. I think I'll feel a little less guilty about being on maternity leave so early if that happens.

I'm trying to keep focused on God at this time. I know how blessed we are and this pain will pass. So many people I know and love have gone through so much worse. I so don't think what I'm going through is the end of the world or anything even close! It's just sprinkles on top of a pre-baby jitters ice cream sunday.

Pray for Drew. He's amazing and supportive. I just can't see how he couldn't be stressed at this time. Financially especially. Pray that Maverick Pet Foods keeps picking up. God has done some cool things in that area recently...it's been awesome to see! Our ultimate goal is for Maverick to not only cover my salary, but his Biomat salary as well. God willing, that is!

Anyway, still pregnant and having trouble boarding any trains-of-thought so I'll wrap this up.

Next time you hear from me, I'll probably be a mommy :). So crazy exciting!

Love to all,
Lauren

Gonna make it....gonna make it...

Six more weeks....six more weeks....six more weeks....

Time has really flown by! I definitely cannot complain about that! He'll be here before I know it! So much time and so little to do....strike that:reverse it.

I don't feel completely prepared....at all. Although I still have my big baby shower at the end of this month...that should help. At this point its just silly things I don't have that are making me feel like I'm somehow a 'bad mom' already.

The nursery theme is music with a strong emphasis on The Beatles. I thought it'd be easier to find Beatles decor, but it isn't. Sure I could order things online but I figured that stores around town would have something...anything. Basically the only things I found were several variations of the Abbey Road album cover (which I already have). Sadly enough I found that it'd be a lot easier to decorate the nursery if the theme was Jersey Shore. Seriously.

I think a contributing factor to the difficulty of decorating is the fact that when you get pregnant, your mind slowly starts to deteriorate. I can't focus on or remember anything anymore! It's so hard to concentrate! I literally just spaced out for a minute between typing those last two sentences.

Yay! My husband just brought me some cookies. Moving on...

Pregnancy does crazy crazy things to your body! Yknow...besides stretching it out to circus freak proportions. I haven't been crazy emotional/sensitive for most of the pregnancy.... just recently. It's harder to process stuff so I get stressed out easily. I also cry at the drop of a hat...most of the time completely aware that I'm out of my mind for crying! That is one thing I am all too aware of: I'm crazy.

The most absurd pregnancy-caused-thing that happened to me is something no one warned me about: apparently because of changes in hormones, some women develop moles or skin tags. Because I did not know this, when I discovered a couple of new moles, my pregnant mind told me, "You have skin cancer and are going to die soon. You will not see your son grow up. You only have a short time left with Drew." Naturally-burst into tears. This is the one time googling medical symptoms helped me rather than pushed me further down the crazy cancer rabbit hole.

Oh, google. You have shown me some crazy women.

Case in point: As a pregnant woman who is stretched to capacity in the belly region, I, like every other 8 1/2 month pregnant woman, have an itchy belly! It's only exacerbated by the fact that it is winter and hot showers feel amazing (recipe for dry skin!). I'd been using various ultra-moisturizing lotions and vitamin e oil to help, but it had just gotten worse in the past few days so I decided to google 'how to soothe an itchy pregnant belly' in hopes of some intelligent life enlightening me of some fabulous lotion that I could pick up at Target that would solve all of my itchy woes. What I got? One ticket to crazy town.

Seriously: I search 'moles and pregnancy' and I get nothing but rational "oh that is totally normal and nothing to worry about" answers. I search for relief for an itchy belly and I get flooded with crazy women stating that it is most likely intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy which basically means that my liver is failing and it will harm the baby and to go to the doctor immediately!!!! Um...so no lotion? One woman even stated that other symptoms of this condition are fatigue and nausea. Um... you mean...pregnancy?  I'm not trying to downplay this condition and say it's made up or stupid, but women on message boards are not to be trusted. I literally think they all want you to die. Oh well, it gave me a good laugh.

Here is a list of things I'm greatly looking forward to:
-Being able to breathe again!
-Not being tied down to so many meds
-Eating normally (i.e. not having to eat every hour or I feel like I'll die, eating more healthfully)
-Decreased middle of the night bathroom trips (seriously...sometimes its six in one night)
-Putting on my own shoes again
-Normal skin
-Fitting into 'normal' clothes
-Doing away with swelling and soreness
-Eating deli meat and drinking Diet Coke and Red Bull
-and the #1 thing: meeting my son :)

I'm pretty lazy with these posts so the next one might be after he's born. Hopefully it'll be before he turns 1. Who knows!

If you think of it, I'd appreciate prayer with any of the above and also with my job. It's become increasingly harder and often impossible to perform at work like I should and is needed of me. They're supposed to alter my responsibilities but we are not sure what that will look like. Also pray for wisdom as to what to do after maternity leave. Thank you!

Six more weeks....

Lauren