My due date is officially nine days away. These next few weeks are filled with uncertainty. Here's an update on what's been going on these past few weeks.
With about a month left in the third trimester, my abilities and energy had gone downhill fast! Breathing, walking, standing, sitting, eating, etc were very difficult! I was able to get a doctors note and have alternative duties at work: instead of working Tues-Fri, 8-5 as a Toddler Teacher, I started working M-F, 12-6 as a Preschool Float/Office Helper. It helped tremendously!!! For the first time in a very long time I felt like I was actually doing something helpful at work and it made me very happy. For about two weeks I felt the best I'd ever felt my whole pregnancy. I thought "these last few weeks are gonna be a breeze!"
Ha! No.
About two weeks ago I started having significant pain in my pelvis when I was walking, sitting, standing, basically moving. Reading up on preggo stuff and talking to my Dr. gave me the simple explanation that the baby had dropped; a totally normal thing. Hurt like heck though!
*Disclaimer: Not going to get graphic, but some people might find things I will say to be TMI. I'm kind of an open book so I don't know where that TMI point is, so I guess if you feel like reading on...go for it.*
The pain started to get worse every day. It started out feeling like I'd ridden a horse and was really sore from it, but the pain wouldn't go away or lessen no matter what I did. Again: this is a pretty normal thing. not every pregnant woman goes through it, but it's nothing to worry about at this point. I go to the doctor every week and have my cervix checked and the doctor had definitely acknowledged that baby had dropped and his head was so low it was very difficult to examine me. I was hoping that meant labor was imminent but she said I was only 1 cm and 50% effaced (basically nothing).
This past Sunday, I woke up in the night for one of my zillion trips to the bathroom and I could barely walk. I ended up staying home from church because I was in so much pain and sitting, standing, and walking were out of the question. I got ready for the day still and went out to lunch with my family. After lunch, Kati (my sister) and I went over to the mall to walk. Kati said I needed to keep walking or I'd never go into labor. I thought she was right because that's the advice you always hear and I figured maybe walking would loosen up my muscles/joints. I was wrong! It only made things worse. The rest of Sunday was excruciating pain.
Monday morning involved another doctors appointment. I was dreading going because the last exam hurt so bad and I was told that baby wasn't coming anytime soon so I was discouraged, frustrated, and just over being pregnant and in so much pain. I wore a dress to my appointment because pants were too much of an obstacle for me at this point! I figured the doc would tell me the same thing she did at my last appointment (the Thursday before) "that's normal, no changes, baby will be late, bye!"
She asked how I was feeling and I told her that I thought what I was doing couldn't officially be classified as 'walking' anymore. I told her about how much pain I was in and how I'd tried walking it off but it only made things worse. She said, "If you're hurting like this, the LAST thing you should do is be walking!" She understood my reasoning that I thought if I didn't keep walking, baby wouldn't come. She's said that most people think that but it wasn't true, especially in my case: pain means stop! The doctor then proceeded to every one's favorite part: the cervical exam. As difficult as it was last time, it was tons worse this time. She said that baby had definitely dropped even more since Thursday. It took her three times to try and see if there had been any changes. She determined that nothing had changed. If I was more dilated or effaced, she would have had us pick a date to be induced during the week. She said she wanted to see me back first thing in the morning on Friday to check for changes and possibly be induced or pick a day the following week because I'm in so much pain. She said I had the most difficult cervix she's ever had to examine. I asked her if I get a medal for that.
I had brought in paperwork that we'd just gotten in the mail for my maternity leave at work (which I was supposed to officially start, unless baby came earlier, on the 22nd of February). Drew filled it out so I didn't even look at it (I thought it was insurance stuff) and he handed it to the doctor. She said, "If it's alright with you, I'm going to write on here that your maternity leave start today." I looked at Drew and he said "that's fine!" Knowing how I can't even functionally walk, I agreed.
Work was very nice, caring, and supportive so that helped me feel a little better, but I'm definitely struggling with feeling like a failure.
I feel so guilty that I'm on maternity leave two full weeks earlier than I'd planned. That's one whole paycheck that we don't get. I feel like a failure as a pregnant person: like somehow I should be able to control my body so that I could be functioning better. The doctor has always said baby is doing perfect (I'm so thankful for that!!!!! I'd rather take the pain than give it to him!!!!), but I'm so paranoid that if his big ol' head is hurting me this badly, than my bones must be crushing him and causing damage (I know this is ridiculous: as if God hadn't thought of this when He was designing women to carry babies).
So that's where things are. I'm at home with options of sitting on a yoga ball, taking warm baths, and possibly going swimming....no walking! I wish Netflix had better selection...
Prayer items right now: I'm scared to get induced! I've just always heard that pitocin makes contractions so much worse and paired with an epidural, it can end up in a long labor and possibly an emergency c-section. I know God has had this whole thing planned from even before we conceived- I need to let go of my worries. I'm praying my body will decide to go into labor on it's own before Friday. I think I'll feel a little less guilty about being on maternity leave so early if that happens.
I'm trying to keep focused on God at this time. I know how blessed we are and this pain will pass. So many people I know and love have gone through so much worse. I so don't think what I'm going through is the end of the world or anything even close! It's just sprinkles on top of a pre-baby jitters ice cream sunday.
Pray for Drew. He's amazing and supportive. I just can't see how he couldn't be stressed at this time. Financially especially. Pray that Maverick Pet Foods keeps picking up. God has done some cool things in that area recently...it's been awesome to see! Our ultimate goal is for Maverick to not only cover my salary, but his Biomat salary as well. God willing, that is!
Anyway, still pregnant and having trouble boarding any trains-of-thought so I'll wrap this up.
Next time you hear from me, I'll probably be a mommy :). So crazy exciting!
Love to all,
Lauren
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Gonna make it....gonna make it...
Six more weeks....six more weeks....six more weeks....
Time has really flown by! I definitely cannot complain about that! He'll be here before I know it! So much time and so little to do....strike that:reverse it.
I don't feel completely prepared....at all. Although I still have my big baby shower at the end of this month...that should help. At this point its just silly things I don't have that are making me feel like I'm somehow a 'bad mom' already.
The nursery theme is music with a strong emphasis on The Beatles. I thought it'd be easier to find Beatles decor, but it isn't. Sure I could order things online but I figured that stores around town would have something...anything. Basically the only things I found were several variations of the Abbey Road album cover (which I already have). Sadly enough I found that it'd be a lot easier to decorate the nursery if the theme was Jersey Shore. Seriously.
I think a contributing factor to the difficulty of decorating is the fact that when you get pregnant, your mind slowly starts to deteriorate. I can't focus on or remember anything anymore! It's so hard to concentrate! I literally just spaced out for a minute between typing those last two sentences.
Yay! My husband just brought me some cookies. Moving on...
Pregnancy does crazy crazy things to your body! Yknow...besides stretching it out to circus freak proportions. I haven't been crazy emotional/sensitive for most of the pregnancy.... just recently. It's harder to process stuff so I get stressed out easily. I also cry at the drop of a hat...most of the time completely aware that I'm out of my mind for crying! That is one thing I am all too aware of: I'm crazy.
The most absurd pregnancy-caused-thing that happened to me is something no one warned me about: apparently because of changes in hormones, some women develop moles or skin tags. Because I did not know this, when I discovered a couple of new moles, my pregnant mind told me, "You have skin cancer and are going to die soon. You will not see your son grow up. You only have a short time left with Drew." Naturally-burst into tears. This is the one time googling medical symptoms helped me rather than pushed me further down the crazy cancer rabbit hole.
Oh, google. You have shown me some crazy women.
Case in point: As a pregnant woman who is stretched to capacity in the belly region, I, like every other 8 1/2 month pregnant woman, have an itchy belly! It's only exacerbated by the fact that it is winter and hot showers feel amazing (recipe for dry skin!). I'd been using various ultra-moisturizing lotions and vitamin e oil to help, but it had just gotten worse in the past few days so I decided to google 'how to soothe an itchy pregnant belly' in hopes of some intelligent life enlightening me of some fabulous lotion that I could pick up at Target that would solve all of my itchy woes. What I got? One ticket to crazy town.
Seriously: I search 'moles and pregnancy' and I get nothing but rational "oh that is totally normal and nothing to worry about" answers. I search for relief for an itchy belly and I get flooded with crazy women stating that it is most likely intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy which basically means that my liver is failing and it will harm the baby and to go to the doctor immediately!!!! Um...so no lotion? One woman even stated that other symptoms of this condition are fatigue and nausea. Um... you mean...pregnancy? I'm not trying to downplay this condition and say it's made up or stupid, but women on message boards are not to be trusted. I literally think they all want you to die. Oh well, it gave me a good laugh.
Here is a list of things I'm greatly looking forward to:
-Being able to breathe again!
-Not being tied down to so many meds
-Eating normally (i.e. not having to eat every hour or I feel like I'll die, eating more healthfully)
-Decreased middle of the night bathroom trips (seriously...sometimes its six in one night)
-Putting on my own shoes again
-Normal skin
-Fitting into 'normal' clothes
-Doing away with swelling and soreness
-Eating deli meat and drinking Diet Coke and Red Bull
-and the #1 thing: meeting my son :)
I'm pretty lazy with these posts so the next one might be after he's born. Hopefully it'll be before he turns 1. Who knows!
If you think of it, I'd appreciate prayer with any of the above and also with my job. It's become increasingly harder and often impossible to perform at work like I should and is needed of me. They're supposed to alter my responsibilities but we are not sure what that will look like. Also pray for wisdom as to what to do after maternity leave. Thank you!
Six more weeks....
Lauren
Time has really flown by! I definitely cannot complain about that! He'll be here before I know it! So much time and so little to do....strike that:reverse it.
I don't feel completely prepared....at all. Although I still have my big baby shower at the end of this month...that should help. At this point its just silly things I don't have that are making me feel like I'm somehow a 'bad mom' already.
The nursery theme is music with a strong emphasis on The Beatles. I thought it'd be easier to find Beatles decor, but it isn't. Sure I could order things online but I figured that stores around town would have something...anything. Basically the only things I found were several variations of the Abbey Road album cover (which I already have). Sadly enough I found that it'd be a lot easier to decorate the nursery if the theme was Jersey Shore. Seriously.
I think a contributing factor to the difficulty of decorating is the fact that when you get pregnant, your mind slowly starts to deteriorate. I can't focus on or remember anything anymore! It's so hard to concentrate! I literally just spaced out for a minute between typing those last two sentences.
Yay! My husband just brought me some cookies. Moving on...
Pregnancy does crazy crazy things to your body! Yknow...besides stretching it out to circus freak proportions. I haven't been crazy emotional/sensitive for most of the pregnancy.... just recently. It's harder to process stuff so I get stressed out easily. I also cry at the drop of a hat...most of the time completely aware that I'm out of my mind for crying! That is one thing I am all too aware of: I'm crazy.
The most absurd pregnancy-caused-thing that happened to me is something no one warned me about: apparently because of changes in hormones, some women develop moles or skin tags. Because I did not know this, when I discovered a couple of new moles, my pregnant mind told me, "You have skin cancer and are going to die soon. You will not see your son grow up. You only have a short time left with Drew." Naturally-burst into tears. This is the one time googling medical symptoms helped me rather than pushed me further down the crazy cancer rabbit hole.
Oh, google. You have shown me some crazy women.
Case in point: As a pregnant woman who is stretched to capacity in the belly region, I, like every other 8 1/2 month pregnant woman, have an itchy belly! It's only exacerbated by the fact that it is winter and hot showers feel amazing (recipe for dry skin!). I'd been using various ultra-moisturizing lotions and vitamin e oil to help, but it had just gotten worse in the past few days so I decided to google 'how to soothe an itchy pregnant belly' in hopes of some intelligent life enlightening me of some fabulous lotion that I could pick up at Target that would solve all of my itchy woes. What I got? One ticket to crazy town.
Seriously: I search 'moles and pregnancy' and I get nothing but rational "oh that is totally normal and nothing to worry about" answers. I search for relief for an itchy belly and I get flooded with crazy women stating that it is most likely intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy which basically means that my liver is failing and it will harm the baby and to go to the doctor immediately!!!! Um...so no lotion? One woman even stated that other symptoms of this condition are fatigue and nausea. Um... you mean...pregnancy? I'm not trying to downplay this condition and say it's made up or stupid, but women on message boards are not to be trusted. I literally think they all want you to die. Oh well, it gave me a good laugh.
Here is a list of things I'm greatly looking forward to:
-Being able to breathe again!
-Not being tied down to so many meds
-Eating normally (i.e. not having to eat every hour or I feel like I'll die, eating more healthfully)
-Decreased middle of the night bathroom trips (seriously...sometimes its six in one night)
-Putting on my own shoes again
-Normal skin
-Fitting into 'normal' clothes
-Doing away with swelling and soreness
-Eating deli meat and drinking Diet Coke and Red Bull
-and the #1 thing: meeting my son :)
I'm pretty lazy with these posts so the next one might be after he's born. Hopefully it'll be before he turns 1. Who knows!
If you think of it, I'd appreciate prayer with any of the above and also with my job. It's become increasingly harder and often impossible to perform at work like I should and is needed of me. They're supposed to alter my responsibilities but we are not sure what that will look like. Also pray for wisdom as to what to do after maternity leave. Thank you!
Six more weeks....
Lauren
Saturday, November 17, 2012
This kid owes me epic mothers day gifts.
Kati (my sister) has already said that my kid is never gonna hear the end of how miserable this pregnancy was. Pretty much.
I figure since the second trimester is officially over this coming Thursday, I should post an update.
The morning sickness has gotten much better. I only throw up a few times a week as opposed to a few times a day and I no longer have to take Zofran (yay!!!). The trial of this trimester began when I fell at work. I twisted my lower back and did some muscle/nerve damage which the doctor said as the baby grows, it will get worse. Boy it did! I'm on lifting restriction at work and most days I walk like Frankenstein when I get home. I did discover that wearing crap shoes helps! I have bad joints anyway and the shoes I was wearing were too good; they would help my feet and knees not hurt but send the pain straight to my back. I started wearing bad shoes which pretty much eliminates back pain but kills my knees and feet. I've decided that the latter is the lesser of the evils. Now that I've created an extremely fascinating paragraph, lets move on.
My belly is huge! I can't believe that it's only going to get bigger and bigger without bursting. I'm now on a regimen of vitamin e oil on my belly every night so I hopefully avoid looking like my skin contains lightning. If it happens it happens though! Sidenote: this baby is going to be a karate master.
The most exciting news of the trimester is that baby Schneider is a BOY! We have a name picked out and we're not telling. Na na na boo boo. You'll only have to wait about three more months to find out :). I can't wait to see the little man. I can only predict that he is a werewolf based on my reflux.
In non-baby-life news here's what's been going on and what is to come:
-Drew and I had the opportunity to spend a week in Vero Beach, Florida this past October. It. Was. Heaven.
-Drew has started working for Natures Kitchen dog foods. He is doing an amazing job and I am very proud of him! The goal is for this to take over for both of our full time jobs (it definitely has the potential!!!)
-In late October, we had to say goodbye to the best pet I've ever had. Hot Rod stopped eating suddenly and it killed his liver so we had to put him to sleep. He was only four. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. He seriously was the BEST. Haven't stopped missing him.
-Since Hot Rod passed, we adopted two kittens that we named Sherlock and Watson. They will never replace Hot Rod, but they're very sweet and crazy!
Coming up:
-We'll be spending our Thanksgiving in Michigan with Drew's family! I'm very much looking forward to getting there....not so much about the ten hour drive! My natural tendency towards car sickness is only exacerbated by pregnancy. I'm also toying with the idea of participating in Black Friday this year ONLY for the purpose of buying stuff for the baby. Pray for us!
-I'm so ready for Christmas and pretty snow! Not looking forward to driving in it... just looking at it. I'm hoping our family friend Kayo will fly in from Japan to spend the holiday with us again. She's a good time :).
-I will be turning 26 in January...I have a feeling I'll be a little more 'beached whale-y' and will not want to celebrate....but I'll still want cupcakes. Lots of cupcakes.
-February....baby time.
I am so thankful for the blessings God has given us this past year. I've seen miracles happen. God is good.
See you in the third trimester!
Lauren
I figure since the second trimester is officially over this coming Thursday, I should post an update.
The morning sickness has gotten much better. I only throw up a few times a week as opposed to a few times a day and I no longer have to take Zofran (yay!!!). The trial of this trimester began when I fell at work. I twisted my lower back and did some muscle/nerve damage which the doctor said as the baby grows, it will get worse. Boy it did! I'm on lifting restriction at work and most days I walk like Frankenstein when I get home. I did discover that wearing crap shoes helps! I have bad joints anyway and the shoes I was wearing were too good; they would help my feet and knees not hurt but send the pain straight to my back. I started wearing bad shoes which pretty much eliminates back pain but kills my knees and feet. I've decided that the latter is the lesser of the evils. Now that I've created an extremely fascinating paragraph, lets move on.
My belly is huge! I can't believe that it's only going to get bigger and bigger without bursting. I'm now on a regimen of vitamin e oil on my belly every night so I hopefully avoid looking like my skin contains lightning. If it happens it happens though! Sidenote: this baby is going to be a karate master.
The most exciting news of the trimester is that baby Schneider is a BOY! We have a name picked out and we're not telling. Na na na boo boo. You'll only have to wait about three more months to find out :). I can't wait to see the little man. I can only predict that he is a werewolf based on my reflux.
In non-baby-life news here's what's been going on and what is to come:
-Drew and I had the opportunity to spend a week in Vero Beach, Florida this past October. It. Was. Heaven.
-Drew has started working for Natures Kitchen dog foods. He is doing an amazing job and I am very proud of him! The goal is for this to take over for both of our full time jobs (it definitely has the potential!!!)
-In late October, we had to say goodbye to the best pet I've ever had. Hot Rod stopped eating suddenly and it killed his liver so we had to put him to sleep. He was only four. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. He seriously was the BEST. Haven't stopped missing him.
-Since Hot Rod passed, we adopted two kittens that we named Sherlock and Watson. They will never replace Hot Rod, but they're very sweet and crazy!
Coming up:
-We'll be spending our Thanksgiving in Michigan with Drew's family! I'm very much looking forward to getting there....not so much about the ten hour drive! My natural tendency towards car sickness is only exacerbated by pregnancy. I'm also toying with the idea of participating in Black Friday this year ONLY for the purpose of buying stuff for the baby. Pray for us!
-I'm so ready for Christmas and pretty snow! Not looking forward to driving in it... just looking at it. I'm hoping our family friend Kayo will fly in from Japan to spend the holiday with us again. She's a good time :).
-I will be turning 26 in January...I have a feeling I'll be a little more 'beached whale-y' and will not want to celebrate....but I'll still want cupcakes. Lots of cupcakes.
-February....baby time.
I am so thankful for the blessings God has given us this past year. I've seen miracles happen. God is good.
See you in the third trimester!
Lauren
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Purple Preggie Pops are NOT grape.
In true Lauren fashion, here is a new post over a year later than the last post was posted.
We're having a baby! Who'd have thought, eh? I kinda didn't... anyways....
At the moment, I'm 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant and completely miserable. The first few weeks after we found out I felt pretty good. Hit-by-a-bus tired, but good. Then came week six.
Nausea set in like I never thought possible. I just kept saying to myself, everyone has this, it'll pass, just tough it out and you'll be fine. Well contrary to what I was told was possible, it just kept getting worse. I was having to run out of my classroom at work to go throw up, etc. I tried everything; vitamin B6 (made it worse), only eating bland carbs (hate myself!), ginger ale (swamp mouth aftertaste), and last but not least, preggie pops. Preggie pops are special suckers designed with all sorts of nutrients and witchcraft that are supposed to cure your morning sickness. Oh I dare not even go into detail as to what these horrid things did to my already weak and confused body. I should have known when I first put one in my mouth that this was not a good idea when I discovered that my go-to flavor, purple, was not grape, but was, in fact, LAVENDER. It tasted like lawn clippings and basil.
After not being able to function and eventually not being able to keep down food or even water, resulting in missing work and slipping into death, my doctor put me on Zofran. It worked WONDERS..... for about a week. I'm still on it but lately I've had to starting face-visiting the toilet again.
Half of the people I talk to say I just have to stick it out a few more weeks and it'll all go away and I'll feel amazing. The other half say they or someone they knew were sick like this the entire nine months. Surely I'll be dead by then.
Don't get me wrong: I'm very thankful and feel extremely blessed that God chose to give us a child. This is something that has been prayed for, many times with lots of tears, for quite some time. I know that in seven more months, this will be just a faint memory and I will be so thankful that I went thru it. Right now, I'm just discouraged.
Discouraged that the zofran isn't seeming to work like it did when I started taking it. Discouraged that I feel like a failure as a wife (I go to work and use all of my energy and I get home around 5:30 and go right to bed, feeling like I'm dying). Discouraged about work (help?? ANYONE???). Discouraged that I just don't seem to have the energy to enjoy anything lately. Discouraged that I need new clothes for my growing (fatty fat fat) body but I don't have the time or energy (or lets face it, money!) to go to the store and buy some!
It's so silly sometimes though. I'm pregnant, not dying of cancer. This is a positive thing. I'm just inundated with extreme negativity all the time. I know that hormones are kicking my butt, too, and that how you feel about circumstances is your own choice, but sometimes it seems as though people are deliberately trying to make things harder for me!
I guess what would be helpful right now is just prayer. Lots of prayer. Prayer for strength, energy, joy, peace, good friends being 'louder' to me than the rude, selfish people, encouragement, and my 'impossible' prayer request....a change at work. Either a new job or a positive change that would make life more "I can do this!" and less "I'm gonna die!"
God is good and I know that He gives me strength according to each days trials and I've definitely seen that in my life. God has done amazing things in my life in 2012 and I know great things are yet to come.
On a happy note, we have names picked out! Haha. Not telling:). I'm just weirdly thankful that our baby, no matter what 'it' is, has a name. We will hopefully find out late September/early October! I'm leaning towards wanting a girl just because our family doesn't have a girl grandchild yet and it would be fun. I will be ecstatic with either, though :D. I just want healthy!!!
Well, that's all for now. First trimester post; done.
Thank you.
Lauren (& Baby)
We're having a baby! Who'd have thought, eh? I kinda didn't... anyways....
At the moment, I'm 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant and completely miserable. The first few weeks after we found out I felt pretty good. Hit-by-a-bus tired, but good. Then came week six.
Nausea set in like I never thought possible. I just kept saying to myself, everyone has this, it'll pass, just tough it out and you'll be fine. Well contrary to what I was told was possible, it just kept getting worse. I was having to run out of my classroom at work to go throw up, etc. I tried everything; vitamin B6 (made it worse), only eating bland carbs (hate myself!), ginger ale (swamp mouth aftertaste), and last but not least, preggie pops. Preggie pops are special suckers designed with all sorts of nutrients and witchcraft that are supposed to cure your morning sickness. Oh I dare not even go into detail as to what these horrid things did to my already weak and confused body. I should have known when I first put one in my mouth that this was not a good idea when I discovered that my go-to flavor, purple, was not grape, but was, in fact, LAVENDER. It tasted like lawn clippings and basil.
After not being able to function and eventually not being able to keep down food or even water, resulting in missing work and slipping into death, my doctor put me on Zofran. It worked WONDERS..... for about a week. I'm still on it but lately I've had to starting face-visiting the toilet again.
Half of the people I talk to say I just have to stick it out a few more weeks and it'll all go away and I'll feel amazing. The other half say they or someone they knew were sick like this the entire nine months. Surely I'll be dead by then.
Don't get me wrong: I'm very thankful and feel extremely blessed that God chose to give us a child. This is something that has been prayed for, many times with lots of tears, for quite some time. I know that in seven more months, this will be just a faint memory and I will be so thankful that I went thru it. Right now, I'm just discouraged.
Discouraged that the zofran isn't seeming to work like it did when I started taking it. Discouraged that I feel like a failure as a wife (I go to work and use all of my energy and I get home around 5:30 and go right to bed, feeling like I'm dying). Discouraged about work (help?? ANYONE???). Discouraged that I just don't seem to have the energy to enjoy anything lately. Discouraged that I need new clothes for my growing (fatty fat fat) body but I don't have the time or energy (or lets face it, money!) to go to the store and buy some!
It's so silly sometimes though. I'm pregnant, not dying of cancer. This is a positive thing. I'm just inundated with extreme negativity all the time. I know that hormones are kicking my butt, too, and that how you feel about circumstances is your own choice, but sometimes it seems as though people are deliberately trying to make things harder for me!
I guess what would be helpful right now is just prayer. Lots of prayer. Prayer for strength, energy, joy, peace, good friends being 'louder' to me than the rude, selfish people, encouragement, and my 'impossible' prayer request....a change at work. Either a new job or a positive change that would make life more "I can do this!" and less "I'm gonna die!"
God is good and I know that He gives me strength according to each days trials and I've definitely seen that in my life. God has done amazing things in my life in 2012 and I know great things are yet to come.
On a happy note, we have names picked out! Haha. Not telling:). I'm just weirdly thankful that our baby, no matter what 'it' is, has a name. We will hopefully find out late September/early October! I'm leaning towards wanting a girl just because our family doesn't have a girl grandchild yet and it would be fun. I will be ecstatic with either, though :D. I just want healthy!!!
Well, that's all for now. First trimester post; done.
Thank you.
Lauren (& Baby)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Turn that frown upside down. Right now. Do it.
The second Drew and I moved to Des Moines, I wanted out. Omaha was my homaha...nowhere else. I lived there almost four years, but my head was always in Omaha.
It seemed like a dream come true to have the opportunity to move back, but it's been terrible.
I had it good in Des Moines but I wasn't looking around, I was looking over to the other side of the fence.
In my head and heart, I know that God moved us here for a reason.... and that everything that has happened here has been for a reason and will ultimately be used for good. So glad that is truth.
I've been looking lots of places for happiness and, surprise, haven't found it anywhere I looked. Every step I have been taking has ripped my focus and self-esteem to shreds.
I love Beth Moore books. "Get out of that Pit" was my first taste and now I'm trying "Breaking Free". Both books (especially the first) reference being stuck in a pit and the various ways you get into a pit. I am, without a doubt, in a giant self-made pit. The thing that is encouraging though is the books say that the only way you can't leave a pit is if you refuse to leave.
I want the flip out. I'm gonna get out.
My trouble is constantly remembering truths. I always go back to "but I did this! but this happened! no one loves me! I'm a freak here!" So I'm gonna start listing truths right now for my own benefit. Hopefully this will be something that I reference when I'm spazing about how much I hate myself.
1. God loves me; no matter what I've done or will do.
2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
3. God knows what has happened in the past and will use it for His ultimate good.
4. I have a purpose.
5. God doesn't want me to live with a spirit of fear and depression.
6. My worth doesn't come from others.
7. I can only control myself, not others.
8. God has provided me with a wonderful family.
9. God has provided me with wonderful friends, even if they are far away.
10. I don't have to be perfect and please everyone at all times.
11. I have talents; I can sing, paint, draw, and make (most) people laugh (even if it is AT me!).
12. Satan wants me to fail and will do anything to make me fail.
There are more, obviously, but I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment. Such is Lauren.
If you have any to add, lemme know.
Now for a more lighthearted list. Things I want/am hoping for here in Omaha:
1. A movie twin: I've got a quirky sense of humor and I'd love someone to joke around with.
2. A farmers market buddy.
3. A Bible study buddy(ies); not giant, informal group. Close, personal friends.
4. A rocker buddy: someone who likes to jump around at shows like I do.
5. Heck, I just want someone who is genuinely happy to see me every day because of who I am and not what I do. Oh, and someone who doesn't get sick of listening to me talk.
I don't want to waste the opportunities I've been given by God.
Sulking no more.
Lauren out.
It seemed like a dream come true to have the opportunity to move back, but it's been terrible.
I had it good in Des Moines but I wasn't looking around, I was looking over to the other side of the fence.
In my head and heart, I know that God moved us here for a reason.... and that everything that has happened here has been for a reason and will ultimately be used for good. So glad that is truth.
I've been looking lots of places for happiness and, surprise, haven't found it anywhere I looked. Every step I have been taking has ripped my focus and self-esteem to shreds.
I love Beth Moore books. "Get out of that Pit" was my first taste and now I'm trying "Breaking Free". Both books (especially the first) reference being stuck in a pit and the various ways you get into a pit. I am, without a doubt, in a giant self-made pit. The thing that is encouraging though is the books say that the only way you can't leave a pit is if you refuse to leave.
I want the flip out. I'm gonna get out.
My trouble is constantly remembering truths. I always go back to "but I did this! but this happened! no one loves me! I'm a freak here!" So I'm gonna start listing truths right now for my own benefit. Hopefully this will be something that I reference when I'm spazing about how much I hate myself.
1. God loves me; no matter what I've done or will do.
2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
3. God knows what has happened in the past and will use it for His ultimate good.
4. I have a purpose.
5. God doesn't want me to live with a spirit of fear and depression.
6. My worth doesn't come from others.
7. I can only control myself, not others.
8. God has provided me with a wonderful family.
9. God has provided me with wonderful friends, even if they are far away.
10. I don't have to be perfect and please everyone at all times.
11. I have talents; I can sing, paint, draw, and make (most) people laugh (even if it is AT me!).
12. Satan wants me to fail and will do anything to make me fail.
There are more, obviously, but I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment. Such is Lauren.
If you have any to add, lemme know.
Now for a more lighthearted list. Things I want/am hoping for here in Omaha:
1. A movie twin: I've got a quirky sense of humor and I'd love someone to joke around with.
2. A farmers market buddy.
3. A Bible study buddy(ies); not giant, informal group. Close, personal friends.
4. A rocker buddy: someone who likes to jump around at shows like I do.
5. Heck, I just want someone who is genuinely happy to see me every day because of who I am and not what I do. Oh, and someone who doesn't get sick of listening to me talk.
I don't want to waste the opportunities I've been given by God.
Sulking no more.
Lauren out.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Back to the Future
It's amazing how much I've thought, over the years, that if I could only go back in time, I could teach 'past Lauren' a thing or two. "Avoid this, pursue that" type of stuff.
Yeah, I've definitely done some things I'm not proud of at all, but 'past Lauren' reminded me today that there isn't anything that can happen in my life that God won't use for good. She schooled me.
I just got done reading all of my past blog posts. It's so interesting to see how my focus has changed as of late. Well, more like terrible.
My last post discussed the upcoming move back to Omaha. Excited and scared of the uncertainty that awaited us at our new home. Looking back, I wish I was better equipped (emotionally and spiritually) for such a change.
Highs and Lows:
-We have wonderful renters for our house in Des Moines.
-We're way closer to my family.
-Cupcake Island. (If you know it, you understand.)
-Not terribly happy with our living situation.
-I failed to realize that my 'Omaha friends' all moved away.
-I got fat again. (Haha...cupcake island.)
I'm currently working as an infant teacher for Bright Horizons. It is a great job. No job is perfect, but it's a great job. It keeps me quite busy!
I don't do much 'art' anymore for myself. Just not excited or inspired as much anymore.
Drew loves his job so much. He is the best at what he does and he's due to get a big, well-deserved promotion pretty soon. I'm so proud of how hard he works. The downside is that he works A LOT. It's not unusual for him to have a 70 hour work week. Working open to close and beyond. Once he had a 19 hour work day. I can't believe his strength. I'm sure he's so exhausted but he never seems like it! Like a boss.
Unfortunately for us, though, his work schedule leaves me home alone a lot. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me till recently.
Something I probably took for granted in Des Moines were my Christian friends. I'd give anything to have Lisa Nelson Rogan (haha) here every day. What I had, friend-wise, in Des Moines was very rare.
I'd like a Bible study to go to with girls my age. Spiritual connection and growth is what I crave now. I need it.
I lived in Omaha 20 years before Drew and I got married and moved away. Now I'm back and somehow, it seems larger. I feel like a small fish in a big pond. Lost in everything that goes on around me. Unnoticed. It's a day to day struggle to keep swimming. Let's just say that if my life were that "Footprints in the Sand" poem, this scene of my life most definitely has one set of footprints.
Sometimes it feels like I'm back at square one again. I guess the positive side of knowing this is that I know what I have to do. My focus is kaput. My thoughts are trash. My eyes are not on what they should be.
This ends now. I've made mistakes; big and small. Satan knows I don't know how to forgive myself. There is a wonderful song that, lately, has become my 'mantra'.
Jason Gray "I Am New"
Now I won't deny
The worst you could say about me
But I'm not defined
By mistakes that I've made
Because God says of me
I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I'm dearly loved
I am new
That's just a portion.
Every time I start to hate myself all over again, I think "I am new."
Time has gotten away from me again. I've got to go. I wish I could end by saying that I'm doing great now, but I'm still in this struggle. The good news is that the presence of a struggle means there is a fight going on, and God will win. Even while I'm in this, I'm starting to see God's hand in everyday things and people. I love it. It makes me feel like I'm back from the dead.
This is an opportunity for growth.
I don't know who still reads this, but if you'd pray for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
The past is the past. I can't get back to the future without letting go of it. Somehow I feel like getting plutonium for a delorian is easier. Hmm.
Love love love,
Lauren
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Times, They are A-Changin'
The first line of my last post is a little ironic, considering this post comes over a year after it. Anyway, that isn't the point.
In less than a month, I will no longer be an Iowan. The day will soon come, the day I've wished for ever since we moved here, that I will return to my motherland. Omaha, Nebraska, here we come!
It was a sudden opportunity that was thrust upon us, but things are falling into place and I'm glad I don't have to plan a thing. Basically, as of right now, the only 'worry' we've got is renting out our home in Des Moines. It will happen though. Everything else has.
I've known we were going to be moving ever since Wednesday, September 8, at 4:30 p.m. However, the reality of the situation is just starting to hit me.
At first, I cried. I want to live in Omaha. I want to live near my family. I want a better job. I. Want. OUT. But.... all of my best friends are here! I didn't make any friends in college, that fact and some other situations that had occurred in my life led me to believe that I was just thoroughly and completely unlovable and unlikeable. My daycare coworkers proved that wrong. I've never met so many wonderful people that make me feel like I'm wonderful too. People I have REAL fun with. People who make me laugh till I cry. People who I can talk to and will listen and care.
Then there are the children I work with every day. I never leave for the day without getting at least one hundred hugs.
Between my friends and the children, I've given away so many pieces of my heart I won't be returning to Omaha with much of a heart at all. So much love to all my friends.
Tomorrow I am turning in my two weeks notice. The above feelings are still true, I will miss my friends and children very much, but I could not be more excited to only have two weeks left! I wanna party! I feel like Ferris Bueller. I'm gonna hijack a parade. Seriously, let's have a party or two before I'm gone, eh?
Now is where I get sentimental.
I've learned so much in the three years (has it only been three???) I've lived here. I'll not share the obvious adventures of learning to live 'on my own', being married, etc. Just the not so obvious ones.
I already spoke of making friends. I'll admit. I'm a loser! I'm a complete dweeby dork. I never understood why people liked me and understood completely when they decided they didn't like me anymore. This attitude made me feel like Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy" at the restaurant when he illustrates what he does with his 'pets' (clients) by using a dinner roll.(Not gonna explain the reference, go see the movie.)
I've learned that when Satan sees something in your life that you struggle with (i.e. confidence), he grabs hold and pulls with everything he's got. I wasn't thinking on the truth, I was believing lies that I was worthless and no one could possibly ever genuinely like me. God provided me with some of the best friends I've ever had and showed me the truth.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not arrogant. But I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a sinner who has been forgiven and cleansed. I am blessed.
I am talented. My friends at work sparked a passion in me. I was asked if I was artistic and replied "kinda" and the rest is history. I've done art project after art project for work and love making things with my hands. I want to do this. I've started freelance art projects and intend to do it more and more in the future. My heart is in woodburning, painting, drawing, etc. I've been asked if I took art classes. No, I haven't. In high school, I never thought I was good enough. Everyone else at OCA seemed so out of my league. I was embarrassed so I did nothing. Not anymore. I can do this. I'll be taking art classes in Omaha just as soon as my little hands can find some. Anyway, that's the passion, that's the plan.
I can't talk about significant Iowa experiences without mentioning Caitlin. Probably the most significant person I've ever met. If you've ever seen a life and heart changed by God, you know what I mean. We've drifted apart a bit, but I will never forget her, and I will always love her and appreciate how God LET me be blessed enough to be a part of her life. I love you, Caitlin.
That's all for now. I'm sure I'll realize more later.
What adventures and trials await me in Omaha? Tune in to find out.
One thing is always true, wherever/ whenever. God is good and in control.
The line it is drawn, The curse it is cast
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'
And the first one now will later be last
For the times, they are a-changin'.
In less than a month, I will no longer be an Iowan. The day will soon come, the day I've wished for ever since we moved here, that I will return to my motherland. Omaha, Nebraska, here we come!
It was a sudden opportunity that was thrust upon us, but things are falling into place and I'm glad I don't have to plan a thing. Basically, as of right now, the only 'worry' we've got is renting out our home in Des Moines. It will happen though. Everything else has.
I've known we were going to be moving ever since Wednesday, September 8, at 4:30 p.m. However, the reality of the situation is just starting to hit me.
At first, I cried. I want to live in Omaha. I want to live near my family. I want a better job. I. Want. OUT. But.... all of my best friends are here! I didn't make any friends in college, that fact and some other situations that had occurred in my life led me to believe that I was just thoroughly and completely unlovable and unlikeable. My daycare coworkers proved that wrong. I've never met so many wonderful people that make me feel like I'm wonderful too. People I have REAL fun with. People who make me laugh till I cry. People who I can talk to and will listen and care.
Then there are the children I work with every day. I never leave for the day without getting at least one hundred hugs.
Between my friends and the children, I've given away so many pieces of my heart I won't be returning to Omaha with much of a heart at all. So much love to all my friends.
Tomorrow I am turning in my two weeks notice. The above feelings are still true, I will miss my friends and children very much, but I could not be more excited to only have two weeks left! I wanna party! I feel like Ferris Bueller. I'm gonna hijack a parade. Seriously, let's have a party or two before I'm gone, eh?
Now is where I get sentimental.
I've learned so much in the three years (has it only been three???) I've lived here. I'll not share the obvious adventures of learning to live 'on my own', being married, etc. Just the not so obvious ones.
I already spoke of making friends. I'll admit. I'm a loser! I'm a complete dweeby dork. I never understood why people liked me and understood completely when they decided they didn't like me anymore. This attitude made me feel like Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy" at the restaurant when he illustrates what he does with his 'pets' (clients) by using a dinner roll.(Not gonna explain the reference, go see the movie.)
I've learned that when Satan sees something in your life that you struggle with (i.e. confidence), he grabs hold and pulls with everything he's got. I wasn't thinking on the truth, I was believing lies that I was worthless and no one could possibly ever genuinely like me. God provided me with some of the best friends I've ever had and showed me the truth.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not arrogant. But I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a sinner who has been forgiven and cleansed. I am blessed.
I am talented. My friends at work sparked a passion in me. I was asked if I was artistic and replied "kinda" and the rest is history. I've done art project after art project for work and love making things with my hands. I want to do this. I've started freelance art projects and intend to do it more and more in the future. My heart is in woodburning, painting, drawing, etc. I've been asked if I took art classes. No, I haven't. In high school, I never thought I was good enough. Everyone else at OCA seemed so out of my league. I was embarrassed so I did nothing. Not anymore. I can do this. I'll be taking art classes in Omaha just as soon as my little hands can find some. Anyway, that's the passion, that's the plan.
I can't talk about significant Iowa experiences without mentioning Caitlin. Probably the most significant person I've ever met. If you've ever seen a life and heart changed by God, you know what I mean. We've drifted apart a bit, but I will never forget her, and I will always love her and appreciate how God LET me be blessed enough to be a part of her life. I love you, Caitlin.
That's all for now. I'm sure I'll realize more later.
What adventures and trials await me in Omaha? Tune in to find out.
One thing is always true, wherever/ whenever. God is good and in control.
The line it is drawn, The curse it is cast
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'
And the first one now will later be last
For the times, they are a-changin'.
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